Each week we’ll be keeping up with the Gang’s lowbrow shenanigans and madcap antics as we recap the latest episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Come join us, won’t you, bitches?
Oh, and: spoiler alert!
Frank isn’t as young as he used to be. He’s never been to the Grand Canyon, and feels an intense desire to gaze upon its wonder before being tossed off this mortal coil.
The Gang Hits the Road!
Outside Paddy’s the guys hitch a U-Haul to the back of Glenn’s Range Rover. Sweet Dee pulls up in a new car. (You’ll remember Charlie and Mac drove her last car into a wall and threw an unpinned-and-thankfully faulty grenade inside it in an attempt to fake their own deaths while on the run from Mac’s vengeful father’s release from prison.) Dee wants to know why she’s not been told about the cross-country jaunt, and the answer is obvious: she will have to pee every 15 feet. “It’s stupid,” says Mac scornfully, the thought of women’s teeny tiny bladders clearly displeasing him.
The prospect of leaving Philly freaks Charlie out, and he won’t be going on the trip. Instead, he’ll hang back with Dee to hold down Paddy’s while Mac, Dennis and Frank ride donkeys deep into the Earth’s ass crack. But Dee wants to go, so Charlie—in no hurry to be left at Paddy’s alone—faces his fear and agrees to leave Philly for the first time in his life.
Something else Charlie has never done: eaten a pear. (“Where do you start?” he asks, perplexed by the fruit’s shape. “The bottom? The top?”) He’s also never had blueberries. Or strawberries. So the Gang decides to swing by the Italian Market before leaving town to help Charlie start knocking these firsts out one by one.
But in the meantime, Jeeee-sus Hopscotchin’ Christ, this guy on a bike is taking up half the lane, slowing Glenn’s Range roll, and forcing the Gang to move at a snail’s pace. Naturally, Mac decides to “fire a beer” at him. Startled, the cyclist will move out of the way. Only Mac misses his spot like a Brad Lidge in training and plunks him in the head. Bottle shatters, cyclist plows into a parked car, his bike sucked up underneath Glenn’s Range.
Back at Paddy’s the Gang is faced with a flat tire and half a mountain bike entwined in their front axle. Road trip is over. Unless…
After hitching Dee’s new car to the U-Haul, the Gang heads to the Italian Market to fix Charlie up with some fruit, despite protests from Frank who thinks it’s out of the way. But Dee has to pee, anyway, so it’s a "kill two birds" type scenario.
You can buy anything in the Italian Market. “These gypsies will sell you their children,” Glenn says. So Dee buys a Soul Asylum cassette. Dennis buys two wicker chairs for the U-Haul, where he intends to sit comfortably while crushing beers and grilling hot dogs on a tiny grill. Frank buys a piss jar for Dee.
Charlie’s first pear doesn’t go so well. It tastes like sand, he says, but that doesn’t stop him from eating the entire thing—core, stem and all.
“Even all the little stickers on it?” Mac asks.
“Yes, the stickers! I eat stickers all the time!” Charlie yells back.
Then they yell some more and follow that with more yelling.
Back in the car, Dee is upset she can’t drink like everyone else. She picks up a teenage runaway hitchhiker, and has him drive. She gets blotto in the passenger seat and begins drunkenly and with feeling singing along to Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” to the troubled chauffeur before hurling her filled-to-the-brim piss jar out the window, where it shatters all over Mac.
They pull over to find smoke billowing out of the back of the U-Haul. Charlie and Dennis have broken apart their wicker chairs and set them on fire to grill hot dogs after their mini-grill fell out the back. They’re unconscious, knocked the fuck out by the noxious fumes given off by a suspected “poison glaze” the chairs are covered in.
As night falls, the Gang power wash the back of the U-Haul at a gas station, find a futon by a garbage dumpster, pile it in the back. Everyone but Charlie decides to sleep in the U-Haul while the young runaway drives.
Morning arrives and the gang realizes they’re not moving. They open the U-Haul door to discover they’re in front of Paddy’s. Dee’s car is missing.
Inside, Charlie is wiping down the bar. He asks the others how their trip to the Grand Canyon went, thinking they’ve gone and come back already.
He began getting anxious about leaving Philly just before crossing the bridge and asked the young runaway to bring him back to Paddy’s, where he drank himself into a blackout.
Dee’s new car has been stolen.
The live-action version of the twisted sitcom was a chance for our city to show the cast in person how much we appreciate that they’ve hitched the most brilliantly funny show since 'Arrested Development' to our town
Welcome to 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,' the darkest, sickest show on television. Or, put another way, the most hilarious show on TV.
In Memoriam: David Brenner