King Solomon's Mines (1985): Just like the cheapie space operas that followed Star Wars, swashbucklers were suddenly everywhere after Harrison Ford cracked that whip. TV saw the first knockoffs, with such short-lived shows as Bring 'Em Back Alive and Tales of the Golden Monkey. But it took four years for infamous shlockmeisters Golun-Globus to dust off H. Rider Haggard's imperialist Allan Quatermain for Richard Chamberlain, with Raiders of the Lost Ark's Jon Rhys-Davies there for extra credit. A young Sharon Stone co-stars.
Firewalker (1986): King Solomon's Mines director J. Lee Thompson (of the original Cape Fear) didn't return for its even more laughable sequel Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold. But he did return to Indy carbon-copy duty with this Aztec-, Mayan-, Egyptian- and Apache-tinged romp, which dared to pair that ass-kicking bigot Chuck Norris with Louis Gossett Jr.
Crocodile Jones: The Son of Indiana Dundee (1990): Very little info exists for this out-of-print Filipino action-comedy. Suffice to say it combines two trends wildly popular at the time, no doubt into a union so unholy it's downright satanic.
The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004): While Nicolas Cage gets to traipse around with the high-profile National Treasure flicks, poor post-ER Noah Wyle gets stuck with this direct-to-video franchise about a lowly librarian hunting down magical artifacts stolen from his apparently magical library. Eerily enough, the second (of three so far) is titled Return to King Solomon's Mines. With Sharon Stone? Alas, no.
Sahara (2005): Adventure novelist Clive Cussler got caught up in legal hell when the filmmakers behind this rollicking $160 million adventure didn't let him in on the thoroughly brainless script. When Cussler made some disparaging remarks before the film tanked, the producers sued back.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008): So what if the Mummy movies had zero impact on George Lucas and Steven Spielberg's retro serials?
"Twice Born" is one too many