It might be just a case of Stockholm Syndrome after being held hostage for five movies in which barely anything happens, but this final installment of Stephenie Meyer’s crazy stupid love story between gawky Bella Swan and dreamy vampire Edward Cullen left your humble reviewer doubled over in peals of laughter. Of course this series is garbage, but by now it has calcified into winking, self-aware camp that eventually explodes into a craptacular of the highest order.
When we last left off during the criminally distended previous picture, Bella and Edward’s furniture-destroying honeymoon fuckfest resulted in a half-breed fetus that was tearing Mommy apart from the inside. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and thus Bella turned bloodsucker while the central love triangle was resolved by having that glowering werewolf dude fall in love with the baby. No shit.
This time around, the Italian drag-show vampire Vatican, led by a sublimely prissy, giggling Michael Sheen and the diva-tastic Dakota Fanning, are en route to slaughter the hybrid child. An army of hilariously “ethnic” vampires from around the world are recruited to fight alongside the Cullens, and no riotously antiquated racial stereotype is left unturned.
With all the interpersonal story conflicts already resolved, there’s really not much left for these characters to do besides stand around explaining their newfound superpowers in a way that might give Stan Lee and the X-Men guys grounds for a lawsuit.
And then it happens.
Departing from Meyer’s sacred text, director Bill Condon stages a bugfuck free-for-all finale riddled with countless decapitations and non-stop mayhem. Breaking Dawn Part 2 becomes gloriously, ecstatically unhinged in a batshit slaughterhouse, laying waste to characters obviously beloved by the shrieking Twi-hards at my screening. I don’t know how one can possibly say enough about a film in which Fanning is ripped apart by wolves. This movie goes bonkers.
Alas, Condon eventually cheats his way around to honoring the (cough) integrity of the source material and Bella and Edward’s “perfect piece of forever.” But for a little while there, this was the greatest thing I had ever seen.
"Twice Born" is one too many