"Breaking Dawn": People Really Read this Shit?

By Sean Burns
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 10 | Posted Nov. 25, 2011

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Grade: D  

What the fuck just happened?

Sadly lacking the wherewithal to slog my way through Stephenie Meyer’s sub-literate bestselling phenomenon, this reviewer was entirely unprepared for the gonzo plot turns of this series’ final chapter, which has been cravenly split into two films for reasons of crass commercial calculation and severe artistic demerit.

Having spent the entire past three movies begging to get banged by sensitive, sparkly vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson, acting with his hair again,) Kristen Stewart’s clumsy 18-year-old Bella is finally deflowered in a thunderous anti-climax, but not before saving herself for marriage.

The wedding, which runs about an hour and hogs so much screen time a friend in the next seat asked if it was an intentional homage to The Deer Hunter, is mere foreplay to The Big Event. Which of course, takes place off-screen, discreetly fading to black after her lusty undead husband breaks the headboard.

Bella awakens with the room in tatters, furniture destroyed and pillows shredded. She’s covered in bruises and swears that she “loved it.” Icky, but not as icky as the half-vampire hybrid rapidly hatching in her womb, kicking out Bella’s ribcage from the inside and snapping her spine.

I can’t even begin to parse all the creepy anti-sex, body-horror abortion debate issues bubbling around the ugly subtext, as I was too distracted by the gang of wolves having a psychic strategy discussion just outside the birth chamber, because it looked like an out-take from Up. (I may or may not have shouted “Squirrel!” in a crowded theater.) And all that was before the toothy vampire cesarean.

Perhaps the only way to motor through such madness is by pitching it as camp, a choice that eludes director Bill Condon. Breaking Dawn has been stodgily photographed on what appears to be exactly three cheap soundstage sets. The mania never properly takes hold, as the filmmaker largely sticks to medium shots and slathers every moment with incongruous selections from a hit soundtrack album. There’s also only about three actual scenes, not nearly enough material to justify a 117 minute running time.

And then a werewolf falls in love with a baby. People really read this shit? 

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 10 of 10
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1. Steele said... on Nov 25, 2011 at 12:59PM

“I agree. Could not believe what I was actually watching in this day and age. Very sad state of affairs.”

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2. kevin said... on Nov 25, 2011 at 01:23PM

“first off learn to write something good , you don't like the movie then why you're wasting ur time on it ? this is the reason why twilight is very successsful because everyone care about it especially the haters , people are not stupid to waste their money if the book is bad or the movie , The film has received mostly negative reviews from critics, however, response from fans and other viewers praised the movie and deemed it the best movie in the saga yet.
i guess the critics can go die in a hole because they give 8/10 for Justin gayber's movie and 1/10 for Breaking Dawn
i give Breaking Dawn 9/10 and your article 1/5

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3. Alexis said... on Nov 25, 2011 at 03:07PM

“HEY this movie is for the girls. We have to sit through all the boobs and junk finally a movie that has everything that a girl secretly wants. Shirtless hot guys. Every girl remembers her first love, and the stuff in the book is so true on what goes on in the head of a girl. Guys should try to understand cause if you act like edward you might have less dateless nights :)”

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4. Anonymous said... on Nov 25, 2011 at 05:02PM

“I'm a girl...and am NOTHING like Bella. NEVER thought like Bella...and, oh yes, I have a personality. I read the first book and felt like I lost braincells doing so. If you have to use so many adverbs, please don't write. I feel even more terrible for the young girls that see ANY of this series as good thing. Guilty pleasure for young adults/older women, fine, but not for the tweens!”

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5. Anonymous said... on Nov 26, 2011 at 10:57AM

“"If you have to use so many adverbs, please don't write"

hahaha

what offended this reader so much?
was it a word like "sadly" or "entirely"?
maybe "largely" or "really"?
"finally"?
"discreetly"? it was "discreetly" wasn't it!?

i can TOTALLY feel the outrage of having to read half a dozen adverbs in about half a dozen paragraphs!
oops!
pretend i didn't say "totally"!!!

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6. Anonymous said... on Nov 26, 2011 at 08:30PM

“I as a fan of the film am getting annoyed at the fact that people who don't like the films and books write 'reviews' that are completely bias. I don't mind when people have a valid opinion, but when they go on about the film being sad or poorley filmed they could be further from the truth. If they are so 'boring and dull as some people claim why then do people of all ages and sex go to watch it, and the film is now the 3rd biggest grossing movie ever, so surely it can't be that bad. Plus, fans of the films won't listen to the reviews as the amount it has earned proves.”

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7. Anonymous said... on Nov 26, 2011 at 11:29PM

“" 3rd biggest grossing movie ever"...Really? Where are you getting that? Last I checked the top three in the U.S are Avatar, Titanic, and the Dark Knight. Worldwide would be Avatar, Titanic, and Harry Potter and the Dealthy Hallows Part 2. It's not even in the top three for highest grossing franchises. Check your facts commenter #6. And also, any opinion is a valid opinion. Just because the opinion is different from yours doesnt make it any less valid. That's the whole point of something being an opinion! It's can't be wrong because it's purely subjective. As for the movies being bad, that's a fact. The acting is horrible, the script even worse. And people of all ages and sex definetly do not go watch it. Majority of fans are tween girls and their moms. That's a fact.

Great review though. Totally agree that Breaking Dawn was only split in two to make more money.”

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8. Anonymous said... on Nov 27, 2011 at 11:25PM

“The person who is saying it's the third biggest grossing movie of all time is paying attention to Summit's numbers, and nothing else. I, for one, hope they bump the release of the second one up about 10 months and get this the heck over with. I'm done watching Kristen Stewart try to be an aktor.”

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9. Anonymous said... on Nov 28, 2011 at 08:38AM

“Twilight is for girls and gays, what Fast & Furious is for guys.”

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10. Anonymous said... on Dec 12, 2011 at 08:30AM

“'Fast & The Furious' is for deeply closeted rednecks.”

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