Philadelphia Weekly

Balcony
1003 Arch St. 215.922.LIVE. www.thetroc.com. $3, includes a drink.

BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1970) (Shown on video): So there's Roger Ebert falling for misconceived pap like A Beautiful Mind, and there's Roger Ebert having once penned lines like, "You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime" and "'Ere this night does wane, you will drink the black sperm of my vengeance." Was there a lobotomy in between there somewhere? Those and a plethora of other equally juicy quotables can be found in this bizarro-world collaboration between the to-be-Pulitzer Prize-winner and art-house-pervert supreme Russ Meyer, the result of which is a satire of Hollywood melodramas that falls somewhere between high camp and the friggin' apocalypse. (One pines for what could have been with the quickly abandoned Meyer-Ebert Sex Pistols movie, Who Killed Bambi?) Be prepared to fall stupidly in love with the flowery Phil Spector equivalent, Z-Man, the subject of a last reel twist that intentionally comes not from left field, but from the parking lot behind it. A- Mon., Dec. 23, 8pm.

Colonial Theater
227 Bridge St., Phoenixville. 610.917.0223. www.thecolonialtheater.com. $4-$6.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) (Shown on film): Sure it is, but not before you become so emotionally wounded that you eventually want to jump off a bridge and subsequently get thrown into an alternate dimension of existential angst. Why everyone thinks this the most warmhearted, saccharine movie ever is inconceivable--watching it is akin to taking a slow elevator to hell (and then right back up in the last couple minutes). And as such, I have no problem whatsoever with it being shown a bunch of times in the span of a couple days (see: the Prince). Show it all year 'round--I won't complain. A Sun., Dec. 22-Tues., Dec. 24, 2pm.

Marathon on the Square
1839 Spruce St. 215.731.0800. www.marathongrill.com. Free.

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997) (Shown on DVD): Isn't that scene with Alfred Molina as a cheerful, crack-smoking rich boy who plays air piano along to "Sister Christian" while a Korean boy sets off little firecrackers the most armchair-wounding piece of celluloid ever? B+ Wed., Dec. 18, 9pm.

Philadelphia Museum of Art
Van Pelt Auditorium, 26th St. and the Pkwy. 215.763.8100. www.philamuseum.org

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR (1973) (Shown on film): Andrew Lloyd Webber's ridiculous rock opera gets a filmic translation worthy of it--that is, with jets zooming across the sky and soldiers milling about with machine guns. Hopefully all the silly controversy over Judas being played by a black man (Carl Anderson, appropriately fierce) has died down by now. B Wed., Dec. 18, 7:10pm. Tickets first-come, first-serve starting at 6:45pm.

THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI (1920) (Shown on film): Not much to say about the most patently German expressionisticness of the whole German expressionism cabal that hasn't been said exactly 5,687,543 times before: The sets are arched! That somnambulist murderer has lots of aesthetically-pleasing black makeup! Where can I buy Dr. Caligari's specs? Even one of the sometimes-overlooked elements (director Robert Wiene was forced by the government to tack on bookends putting our hero in an asylum, changing him from a radical unearthing hidden conspiracies to a mere loon) is a terribly pedestrian comment that any dime-store film history book will tell you. Ditto the idea that the government's interference can be interpreted as a further comment about the wickedness of the state. So I've nothing new to add. Sometimes it's best to fess up and just say it's an otherworldly, stagy masterpiece that you should have no problem catching (again). A Sat., Dec. 21, 2pm. Free with museum admission.

Prince Music Theater
Cinema Lounge, 1412 Chestnut St. 215.569.9700. www.princemusictheater.com. $5-$8.50, unless otherwise noted.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) (Shown on film): See the Colonial Theater entry, except for the following info: The afternoon screening will be introduced by WXPN Kids Corner host Kathy O'Connell. You can get a dollar off admission if you bring a bell to ring, and free eggnog and cider will be provided. Sadly, neither version shown at either venue will include the infamous original ending, where Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed et al. pay a visit to Mr. Potter and throw his malevolent self around the room in a streak of last-minute vengeance. A Mon., Dec. 23, 3pm and 7:30pm.

Vivo Enoteca
110 N. Wayne Ave., Wayne. 610.964.8486. Free.

WHITE CHRISTMAS (1954) (Shown on video): "Christmas would be unthinkable without White Christmas," writes Jim Emerson of amazon.com. Bah humbug. As far as Holiday-related movies go, I'm far too much of an It's a Wonderful Life/Miracle on 34th Street/A Charlie Brown Christmas/The Ref kind of guy to watch ex-army buds Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye spend two spectacularly limp hours trying to put on a Christmas show at a fledgling ski resort that's devoid of snow. As John Cleese once said during a Monty Python sketch, "I know my opinion isn't popular, but I've never been one for popularity." The title song is rather nice, but that's a "duh." C- Tues., Dec. 24, 10pm.