"Prometheus" Is the Best-Looking Stupid Movie of the Year

By Sean Burns
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 8 | Posted Jun. 5, 2012

Share this Story:


Grade: C

And in the beginning, there was silliness.

Ridley Scott’s winking maybe-prequel to Alien—hijacked at the screenplay level with a bunch of notes from nervous executives who were paying too much money for a picture without any franchise backing—is the best-looking stupid movie I have seen all year. It’s sumptuously photographed, and most often inane.

Starring the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Noomi Rapace as a free-thinking scientist who wears a cross around her neck yet still believes that aliens created mankind—a contradiction the movie can hardly be bothered to explore—Prometheus gathers a bunch of doctors and roughnecks on an ill-fated journey to chase down a couple of cave-paintings and find out where life on Earth really began.

It’s all warmed-over Chariots of the Gods gobbledygook, benefiting mostly from yet another killer performance by Michael Fassbender as the ship’s resident android, dying and cutting his hair to look like Peter O’Toole in his oft-watched Lawrence of Arabia and calibrating the performance accordingly. He’s Roy Batty by way of The Man Who Fell to Earth, and Fassbender spends most of the picture teasing secret agendas with unforeseen plans that often just don’t make a goddamn bit of sense.

But neither does the rest of Prometheus. Co-scripted by Lost writer Damon Lindelof, it’s a ginormous cocktease. Here’s where I must confess that I never watched more than two hours of that show, as it mainly struck me as an excuse for my friends to get angry on the Internet. Prometheus probably won’t fare any better, because for all the highfalutin’ creation myths kicked around in the first hour, it eventually settles down into a subpar space-monster movie and never bothers to address a single question. It just becomes a dopey action flick, benefitted by the presence of Charlize Theron as a sassy government operative and The Wire’s Idris Elba as a no-nonsense spaceship captain with a weird thing for Stephen Stills.

Prometheus is a languorously paced picture, inviting you to bask in the strange, oddly antiseptic images and hint-hints about the films to follow. Fitting, then, how it forgets to tell a complete story and ends with a trailer for something more.

Add to favoritesAdd to Favorites PrintPrint Send to friendSend to Friend


Comments 1 - 8 of 8
Report Violation

1. Enoch said... on Jun 8, 2012 at 01:22PM

“You missed the point about the whole...oh you know, where do we come from, why are we here, why did they make us part of the film that resonates with every person on the Planet. The deeper questions that lie there in are what make the film so Mythologically sound. You chose to ignore that though, opting to complain about what you didn't seem to understand. Have you never asked those questions yourself? Creation is not only a myth, but WE as a species are a myth. What made us? What makes us real? You failed to touch on the fine line between Alive and Inanimate as well, which is a big theme in the film. What makes a human human? Why do we have souls. All deep subjects you chose to call a 'cock tease'. Real classy.”

Report Violation

2. NoPantsBaby said... on Jun 9, 2012 at 07:18PM

“Because it is just a cocktease. None of your questions are answered. We don't even see what kind of impact this discovery has on the crew because they are to busy redoing Aliens plot point for plot point in the second half.

Ask yourself this. If you were a scientist. Would you go to a hostile alien world without a single backup ship or contingency plan, take off your helmet on this alien world without even checking for pathogens, would you then get lost in the alien facility when you have automated map drones. then decide to sleep in a chamber full of pulsating oozing eggs, stare at a hissing giant alien cock that is clearly hostile, infect someone else by fucking them, the list goes on.

Prometheus is a movie that pretends to be smart. It's nice and shiny to distract you from how this movie could only have happened if the characters in it were complete idiots.”

Report Violation

3. Jim Powers said... on Jun 11, 2012 at 08:32AM

“He's right Enoch, all characters looked normal, even though they have trisomie-21”

Report Violation

4. mandingo said... on Jun 29, 2012 at 05:05PM

“that movie was a complete waste of time...i mean...rite @ the beggining why did that guy even drink dat poisonous shit if it was meant 2 destroy da humans?”

Report Violation

5. Anonymous said... on Sep 22, 2012 at 02:34AM

“No one will put a such bunch of idiots on a starship with that technology.

That make the movie almost _unrealistic_ and stupid at all.

What a waste of work realizing a shi-fi movie that has good effect and a good idea at the base but with an unrealistic realization regarding the people depicted in the movie.

Next time someone make a space based movie, please make one with astronauts similar to true astronauts. We have an idea on what makes a good astronaut, it should not be a total idiot in first.. as everyone in that movie is.

Stop think also people watching movie are all idiots, we know how someone sent for a space mission has to act.
These are just a bunch of idiots no one had gave the responsibility of a bicycle , too much for them.

We are in the 2012, write screenplay for this decade, not for the previous one and depict people as they should be if selected for a space mission, not to go for a gang-bang with a drunk girl.


Report Violation

6. Kyle Rajasthan said... on Nov 17, 2012 at 05:12PM

“Prometheus. The filmography was awesome. The ship itself brilliant and spectacular. The story. Not so much. I have a hard time believing that if you were going to an alien planet, that had the possibility of being hostile, why do you go in an unarmed ship? Prometheus, as awesome a ship as she is, is completely unarmed. Why? Oh, I know why, it's so we could see that cool Kamakazi run huh? News for you Mr. Scott. Flash does not make a better story. It would have been just as cool if the Prometheus had opened up on the Engineer ship with high powered railgun you know. If Wayland corp can build a ship like that, they would have no problem building a railgun that could take out another ship, or an asteroid or whatever...”

Report Violation

7. Anonymous said... on Jan 20, 2013 at 07:27PM

“I think this film IS the reason the 'Makers' decided that our race was a mistake...”

Report Violation

8. Anonymous said... on Jul 11, 2015 at 08:02PM

“The most objetive review I've seen of a film for years. I can see why Scott wanted a bookend to Alien but he must have been drinking - or thought the irony of allowing politically correct puerile writers to show the reality of what scientists look like when they are not scientists - overcome his usual ability to spot a truly ludicrous script. Not even remotely within the realms of scientific plausibility - how many on-the-fly DNA changes had to be made to produce Ash's 'perfect organism'? A scientist who coos lovingly at an unknown lifeform, another who believes that weapons are not required on a scientific endeavour despite the fact they have no idea of what lifeforms might be present on the planet, an unexplained reboot from Aliens to freeze a human/alien hybrid for return to Earth - why? There are too many holes to go into but at least Scott got a chance to show the ship's bridge the way he couldn't in Alien. Oh well, I don't expect any one to be able to write well these days.”


(HTML and URLs prohibited)