Philadelphia Weekly

NEWS AND OPINION

The Angry Grammarian

By Jeffrey Barg

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted May. 16, 2007

Some friends and I have been having the same argument for years. It revolves around a drink one of our friends made up called a Captain on the Porch. If my friend were to go up to the bar and order one Captain on the Porch for herself and one Captain on the Porch for me, would she ask for "two Captains on the Porch" or "two Captain on the Porches"? Some have offered the compromise "two Captains on Their Respective Porches," but that's just cowardly.

When I first received this email, I dashed off a quick, thoughtless answer--Captains on the Porch, no questions asked--because a) it was a made-up drink the bartender wouldn't know how to make anyway, and b) the question was from an intern. But even made-up grammar problems are serious grammar problems, and moreover, we don't pay our interns, so she ought to get something out of the deal.

Additionally, she went on to describe what a great barroom pickup line it is if you're looking for a nerdy, grammatical type. (And really, who among us isn't?)

There's plenty of precedent. Scotch on the Rocks. Sex on the Beach. Whore on the Hill. Banging the Captain Three Ways on the Comforter. Ewok Buying a Hooker and a Rock of Cocaine Behind a Stripclub on the Vegas Strip. (All actual drink names.)

You'd order two Scotches on the Rocks (scotch, the drink, is what's being doubled), but two Sex on the Beaches (since the full name is the drink). So which model do you follow here? It's a crucial question, as the intern claims this debate "produces emotions and stubbornness that I've seen in arguments only about abortion and Phish."

Frankly, I'm not sure what there is to argue about either abortion or Phish. Grammar, on the other hand, is something worth arguing over.

The answer lies in the drink's etymology. "Captain" is for Captain Morgan-brand rum, not a seafaring shipsman come home. The recipe calls for Captain Morgan, lemon juice, sugar and soda water--so "two Captains on the Porch," comin' right up.

Years-long debate now resolved, the poor unpaid intern will have to come up with a new pickup line. Oh, the woes of interning.

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Send comments, questions and subordinate clauses to jbarg@philadelphiaweekly.com