Steven Wells Spends 13 Hours With the Big Talker and Other Idiots

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 20, 2009

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Now there's an advert for a pill that will help "ladies" get rid of the "25 pounds of unwanted waste that some experts say is trapped in your body, clinging to your colon wall like spackle or paste."

The people at EverCleanse have done their market research and concluded that the average Big Talker listeners are chockablock with compacted fecal matter.

Score another one for free enterprise.

3:18 p.m.
What the hell's
wrong with Rush Limbaugh? He used to be this big, fat, ugly-American bellowing cartoon elephant monster. Remember when he  used to drown out pro-choice callers with a vacuum cleaner and then tell them they'd been "aborted"?  Hilarious.

Rush Limbaugh

Dude sounds tired. Constipated even. And even more strangely, he seems to be attacking Operation Chaos--the campaign Rush himself started in which Republicans re-register as Democrats and vote Hillary to keep the Dems fighting like Itchy and Scratchy forever and ever AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But now Rush seems to be arguing that Operation Chaos is degrading and unethical, and that Conservatives shouldn't stoop to such debased and demeaning tactics.

So Rush--the biggest cheese in the right-wing bollock-talking monkey house--is ignoring the poor and the weak and the oppressed and all his usual targets and is instead attacking ... Rush. What the hell is going on? Have you stopped taking potentially dangerous doses of prescription painkillers again, Rush? Is that why you're so flat, dull and boring? Is
that why you're so full of self-loathing? For God's sake, man, pop open a tub or two and dig in.

And--I'm sorry to ask this--but is Rush incontinent?

It's just that the segue music (obviously and sadly taken off some  copyright-free generic soft-rock CD) goes on and on and on. This can only  mean that either Rush has to keep rushing to the toilet, or that he's
just not selling any ad space--not even to credit card debt relief schemes or to the manufacturers of pills guaranteed to dissolve the super-thick layer of
compacted fecal matter we've learned coats the bowels of all talk-radio listeners.

Oh, wait. This isn't the Big Talker. This is WNTP 990 AM. Oh no. I must be the only person in the world listening to Dennis Prager. Quick, switch over.

Burble burble burble. Ah, Rush, you buffoon, you chortling reactionary cartoon elephant, you black- and woman-mocking big bundle of cuddly quasi-fascist fun you!

How I've missed you. Let me stroke your formerly drug-snorting trunk. Let me ride on your enormous back as you trample the poor, and trumpet your own greatness to a world that doesn't appreciate or deserve you.

"I'm driving an SUV and burning up as much gas as I can to celebrate Earth Day!" quips a listener. Rush chuckles.

"I'm voting for Obama in the general election," says the same caller. "McCain is going to screw up the country--I'd rather have a Democrat do it."

Rush waves his trunk with glee and agrees.

Rush gets a caller who sounds exactly like Cletus Del Roy Spuckler, aka Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons.

Cletus licks Rush's big gray bottom with a fervor that borders on the sexual. Rush blushes and squirms like a schoolgirl. Cletus says he's a pastor and a
singer-songwriter and a novelist and works six days a week as a telemarketer and that he regards Rush as the font of all wisdom.

Rush comes in the lad's exhausted face (metaphorically speaking) and sends him on his way. The grand poobah of reactionary nonsense is on form today. Hell, he's on form every day. That's why he's King Nelly, and all
the other little Rush wannabes ain't fit to eat the peanuts outta his glowing poo.

Rush laughs out loud about the MOVE bombing of 1985, when 11 African-American Philadelphians--including four children--were burned to death.

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