Steven Wells Spends 13 Hours With the Big Talker and Other Idiots

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 20, 2009

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12:46 p.m.
Oh boy. This is
ever so slightly starting to do my freaking head in. I've spent the last half-hour watching Fox News, listening to Laura Ingraham and cooking and eating a steak with the windows open and scented candles burning so my vegetarian wife doesn't do her freaking nut about the house "stinking of meat" when she gets home from work tonight.

There's a caller screaming in conservative pain on the Big Talker. His kids have been invited on a school trip to watch An Inconvenient Truth, and he says it's discriminatory against kids who have parents who listen to the Big Talker and therefore know that climate change is a lie perpetuated by the eco-fascist baby-eating alien-lizard New World Order conspiracy.

Host Glenn Beck tells him to take his kids to see the movie Expelled instead. Expelled is a documentary about how unfair it is that the discredited religious theory of intelligent design isn't taught in schools instead of science. Hey, can you spell child abuse?

Glenn Beck

And it's child abuse that's got them going over on WNTP 990 AM (although right at the moment Laura's talking to the "seven environmental disasters the liberals don't want you to know about because they helped cause them!" English guy who was on the Big Talker an hour ago ...  or maybe a different one.)

Laura's callers are split between chuckling Republicans who gleefully voted Hillary today as part of Rush Limbaugh's Operation Chaos, and Republicans who claim to be Democrats who've just converted to the Republicans because the Democrats aren't Republican enough.

"Welcome to the light! Welcome to good old-fashioned American common sense!" says Laura. It's good to know there's a specific American common sense, which of course one shouldn't confuse with Italian or Australian or Icelandic common sense.

Another bunch of listeners are obsessed with the raid on the "polygamy ranch in Texas" because, to partly paraphrase Laura: "Today it might be a polygamist ranch they're raiding, tomorrow it might be [legitimate gun owners]."

Well yeah, you can see her point. What with the right to rape your own kids being crucial to the maintenance of a well regulated militia necessary to the security of a free state and all that, the only way you get my pregnant 13-year-old is when you pry her from my cold dead hands.

But right now Laura can't make her mind up if she's Joni Mitchell or a paid mouthpiece for the planet-raping dominant ideology. One second she's ranting about kids being "taught to hate capitalism and the free market because it's destroying the planet," and then, in the same sentence, she admits that hideous gray forest-fucking concrete strip malls full of the same few freaking chain shops is the "free market on crack and on steroids," and a bad thing.

Shut your stupid hippie mouth, you enviro-wacky baby-polar bear-huggin' commie mouthbreather! More steroids! More crack! More capitalism! More Bed, Bath & Beyonds!

Laura's show is peppered with adverts for homeworking schemes, credit card relief and a surefire method guaranteed to turn your rebellious liberal kids into obedient and glassy-eyed Stepford children.

The news--inserted into the verbiage and opinion in easily ignorable ear-bites--is grim. Food shortages, rocketing fuel costs, school shootings, a collapsing stock market, two more Marines dead in Iraq, the coming recession, the failing housing market and--of course--conservative religious types allegedly raping their kids down in Texas.

But apart from those expressing outrage at the feds busting the alleged kiddy-fiddlers, none of Laura's callers wants to talk about any of that. On an earlier show a conservative preacher bemoaned the fact that Catholics and black evangelicals seem to vote for pocketbook issues rather than morals. Jeez, what is wrong with these people? Don't they realize that even though the Republicans are hypocritical and self-loathing sexual deviants and drug addicts who've sold out America, sucked corporate cock until their stomachs had to be pumped, destroyed the family wage, gutted the middle class, pissed all over the environment, run up a gazillion-dollar deficit, totally wrecked the economy, dragged America's name through the mud by legalizing and practicing torture, and got us bogged down in a totally stupid war--at least they're anti-choice and hate gays. Sheesh.

Whoa! Back on the Big Talker, middle-aged rich white man Glenn Beck is doing his nut about how the world persecutes middle-aged rich white men.
"Adolf Hitler was a man!" he shouts. "Barack Obama is a man!" I'm only half listening so I'm not quite sure exactly what the chain of logic is here.
"He's black! I'm afraid of him! I'm a typical white person!"

Glenn then pretends to be Obama's white grandmother, and to be afraid of Obama because she's "a typical white person!"

"I didn't know he was black!"

Glenn is such a skilled voice actor that if I close my eyes I can see Obama's white granny in bed, pulling the bed sheets to her trembling chin as she stares in horror at the big black Obama wolf looming in the doorway of her typical white American cottage bedroom doorway. It's uncanny.

But in the time it took me to type the above paragraph, Glenn has segued seamlessly into an argument about why torture is a good thing. One can imagine grizzled old fascists in Italy, Spain, Germany, Brazil, Chile and Argentina nodding in agreement as they listen on their short-wave radios.

This is the stuff, Glenn. Keep it up, you gibbering nutter.

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