Steven Wells Spends 13 Hours With the Big Talker and Other Idiots

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 20, 2009

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This last item is about how climate change is forcing up the price of hops. It follows a black-actor-hosted advert for a Chevy hybrid that calls the vehicle a "vegetarian." I feel the pain of the Fox News viewer. As much as the talking heads babble on about how climate change is lies cooked up by power-hungry eco-Nazis, Fox News does actually, now and then, have to report news. And that news is packed with information that says: Bush has fucked the planet. We're all gonna die.

My wife crashes into the living room. "For Christ's sake!" she yells in disgust. She's not on board with this project. At all. She attempts to sabotage it by playing NPR's WHYY very loudly.

I try to ignore the real news blasting out of the kitchen and concentrate instead on Fox's "Hero Postal Worker Saves Falling Tot" and a story about a Catholic priest who attached himself to a gazillion hydrogen-filled balloons, floated up into the sky and disappeared.

"Sorry, I just spit," says a blonde Foxtress.

Another blonde woman appears live from Conshohocken where, she tells us, "the weather is nice." A crazy hippie chick with a huge Hillary sign does a mentalist dance in the background.

"Conshohocken is where we go to stay when we visit my son in college, at the Marriott there," drones a steel-haired Foxbot.

I put my Birkenstock-shod foot through the screen in disgust. Okay, that's a lie, I don't. But there better damn well be some foot-through-the-screen-worthy moments of deranged right-wing bigotry today, Fox News, because at the moment you're boring my commie ass off. Joseph Goebbels must be spinning in his grave.

Get your finger out, right-wingers.

10:15 a.m.

Laura Ingraham is on WNTP 990 AM, and she's just asked if Obama using the word "buffet" is elitist. Of course it is. Real Americans--blue collar, red-necked, non-elitist, gun-clutching, duck-slaughtering, God-grasping, forriner-fearin', don't-think-niks--don't say "buffet."

Laura Ingraham

They say "smorgasbord." Which Obama would know if he were a horny-handed, gutter-dwelling prole. Like George W. And the rest of the Republican millionaires who are forever slinging the word "elite" at anyone vaguely left-wing. (It's nationally syndicated TV and radio star and best- selling celebrity author Laura's fave insult).

I love Laura Ingraham--as I type this she's working over the new Hillary Osama/Truman ad like a dog with its favorite chew toy. Laura is feisty, salty, sharp, energetic, self-starting and as hard as painted nails.

Godammit she's virtually a poster child for feminism (now she's taunting an Obama campaign manager about the "hysteria" of Earth Day and dragging in the political corpse of Rev. Wright).

And that's why I love Laura. She's a living, breathing, furiously spitting slap-in-the-fat-white-wobbling-chops of all those right-wingers--including many of her talk-radio co-hosts--who think women should either be in the kitchen or on their backs popping out kids.
And so to our nicknames. If you've followed this blog since it popped screaming out of my savagely stretched mangina this morning, I stupidly set myself the target of inventing 250 insulting and demeaning right-wing talk-radio-style nicknames each for Hillary and Obama.

I cheated. I went online and trawled for existing nicknames. And I learned this: Online Republicans really hate women. No, I mean they really hate them. They hate them the way Eagles fans hate the Dallas Cowboys. They find the female body disgusting--and they're a lot more coy about their woman hatred than they are about their racism.

For sure there are a few rubbish Obama slurs floating out there--Odumbo, Barack Hussein YoMama, Chewbaccobama, the Obamabot, Borat Hussein Osama, the Obaminator, O-Bomb-a and Buttcrack Aroma--but they pale in comparison to the hurricane of finger-sniffing sleaze unleashed when Republicans are asked to think up nicknames for a candidate born without a penis.

Hillary Antoinette, Illary, Her Thighness, Hitlery Rotten Clinton,
Hellary, the Red Marxist Queen of the Universe, Wide Load, Rodham Hussein, Monica Lewinsky's Boyfriend's Wife, the Queen of Darkness, Hitlery, Her Lowness, the New York Bitch, the Bitch Bitch That Bitch, Jane Fonda Clinton, Hag-dad Hillary, Ho Chi Hil, Hillary Rotten, Queen Hitlery, Chappaqua Rose, Lady in Pink, Her Royal Heinous, Her H-anus ...

And that's nowhere near scraping the bottom of the barrel. More later. Or maybe not.

Oh no, Hilary's bogged down in a fairly sensible conversation with the Obama wonk. You're such a wimp when you actually meet liberals, as opposed to abusing them from afar, Laura. Such a disappointment. Boring!

Meanwhile over on 1210 Glenn Beck is babbling on about how "seven environmental disasters the liberals don't want you to know about because they helped cause them!" If this were TV there'd no doubt be a graphic of a polar bear choking on granola. Hey guys, we're having an election here. Hello?

Wait, the liberal guests have left the studio, and attack dog Laura is bearing her fangs. And playing country music. "Stop the whining," says the feisty feminist icon who must make Michael Medved cak his corduroy keks every time she opens her cruel mouth. You go, sister!

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