Steven Wells Spends 13 Hours With the Big Talker and Other Idiots

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 20, 2009

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A deluded communist fellow traveler subjects himself to the unvarnished truth about Barack Hussein Osama and Her Thighness the Feminazi until his euro-Marxist brains dribble out his pinko ears.

Sludge Surgin' USA!

I have saluted the sun rising in the East. I am steeled. I am purified. I am ready.

Today--the day the oppressed proletariat of Pennsylvania are forced by a despotic and corrupt electoral system to choose between the grinning plutocratic stooges Obama and Clinton--I am spending 13 hours with my head rammed as far down the toilet of quasi-fascist bigotry as I can manage.

From 7 a.m., when the polls open, until 8 p.m., when they close, I will have the TV turned to Fox News, and my radios tuned to Philly's top two Obama- and Clinton-hating rightwing talk-radio stations--the Big Talker 1210 AM and WNTP 990 AM--while simultaneously googling my way through the festering sludge of dominant-ideology-supporting right-wing bloggery that
constitutes the 90 percent of the Web not taken up by conspiracy theories, MySpace and porn.

We're talking total immersion in the world of "Hitlery" hate and Obama bashing with the punk pundits of the insane right as they continue their gibbering jihad against the forces of liberalism to make sure the greatest country in the world remains safe for old white male heterosexuals to golf and marry poor-but-big-titted Filipino chicks.

From the fancy French espresso-fueled morning to the Jack Daniels-and-Jolt cola-blasted evening, join me on a roller-coaster ride through the festering sewers of the political imagination with the crazed loons who think Bush was right, that the war's going swimmingly and that the New York Times is somehow left wing--and that both Obama and Hills, if elected, would turn
America into a playground for bomb-tossing Islamofascist abortion whores, welfare queens and drug-crazed illegal immigrant child molesters.

Or maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe after 13 hours of Limbaugh, Medved and O'Reilly billycooing in my ear, I'll be convinced.

Oh and I've also stupidly set myself the task of coming up with 250 abusive and offensive talk-radio-style names for The Hills Has Thighs Clinton and Barack Obimbo. And yes, they probably will all suck that much.

Your suggestions are of course welcome at swells@philadelphiaweekly.com

Readers, I sneak-peaked.

I went to bed last night with my Mini World 100 PE radio tuned to the hysterically yapping beardy-weirdo Mark Levin on WNTP 990 AM. For weeks now little Mark has been bashing his balding and tinfoil-wrapped head against a brick wall, trying to convince Philadelphians that Barack Obama is "a Marxist!"

7 a.m.
I leap out
of bed, loins girded, ready to shower in shit. But on WNTP 990 AM it's "Keystone Day on Morning in America" with Bill Bennett. And frankly, it's as dull as a drizzly day in Dagenham.

Bill Bennett

Bill's almost-sensible, bordering-on-reasonable conversation with Byron York from the National Review is a sensibly sipped cup of Earl Grey tea. I want sugar-spiked quadruple espresso mainlined into both eyeballs with a rusty syringe. And a raw-steak enema. Froth, you bastards, froth. Chew the carpet. Climb the walls. Say something incredibly stupid and offensive. Do your fucking nutty right-wing jobs.

Byron says the middle of Pennsylvania isn't Alabama. Bill agrees. Bill plays a clip of "Hawkish Hillary" saying she'd totally obliterate Iran if they nuked Iraq.

"How about that? Pistol packin' momma!"

Moral: Hillary scores points because she says that if the nation that says it doesn't want nukes because they're "un-Islamic" gets and uses nukes, then she--as the president of the only country that has ever used nukes--will nuke them.

Meanwhile over on a live TV feed of Don Imus in the Morning, Don Imus is being a very old man in a cowboy hat. He's grumpy. And he's wearing a cowboy hat. But mostly he's just very, very old. This is the first time I've tuned in. I can see the attraction.

What is it with right-wingers? Are they slow starters? Are they not morning people? On Fox News, perma-grinning male Foxbots with steel-wire hair, and perma-grinning women with blonde hair, promise us a Hillary attack ad where she talks about bin Laden and Harry Truman, and a story about "how global warming threatens Miller Time."

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