Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 1 | Posted Dec. 17, 2008

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illustration by robert ullman

Okay, I need a kick in the face or something.

My boyfriend of two years and I broke up a little more than a week ago. He cheated. But there's a bit more to the story: He was a raging alcoholic, and I've broken up with him a few times. One of those times--when he was at our place and supposed to be packing his things and be gone by morning--I kind of rebounded off some guy, had sex with him, then came home later the next day and found that my boyfriend was still at my place. We talked and got back together. Later on he found out about the rebound sex I had, and I think that's why he cheated. We weren't a healthy couple, all in all.

We both want to remain friends, so a week after the breakup we went out for coffee. We both realized the feelings we have for each other haven't gone away. There's no chance in hell I'm getting back with him after he cheated, but I can't resist this urge to have sex with him. And I know the feeling is mutual. So now I'm torn on whether to start a sex-based "relationship" with him or just block him from my life.

Cheated on One

If you've ruled out getting back together with this guy because he's a raging alcoholic, COO, that's fine. If you're not getting back together with him because this relationship generates way too much conflict and drama, COO, that's also fine. But if you're not getting back together with this guy--a guy you have strong feelings for--because he cheated on you, well, that's just retarded.

Yeah, yeah: You didn't cheat. Not technically. You were officially "off again" when you had rapid rebound sex with someone else, and you were "on again" when he had sex with someone else. But ... come on. You fucked someone else during a particularly rough patch and kept that info from him when you decided to get back together. He found out you fucked someone else and went and fucked someone else himself.

You can choose to view his cheating as a violation of trust and an unforgivable betrayal and wocka wocka wocka, COO, or you can choose to view it as part of your most recent rough patch and round his cheating down to rebound sex, even if he was rebounding after you were officially back together, and get back together with him.

If that's what you want. And you know what? It sounds like that's what you want.

My girlfriend of seven years has disgusting manners. She eats loudly with her mouth open, farts and belches incessantly, snorts instead of blows her nose and so on.

I used to find it refreshing to be with a girl who was so uninhibited. But now it's getting on my nerves and it's embarrassing when she farts in front of our friends. I'm starting to be turned off by this, and I don't see her as desirable anymore. She thinks I'm being sexist and have a double standard.

Tell me, please: Am I intolerant? And is there something wrong with me that I'm losing my libido?

Grossed Out

Yes, there's something wrong with you--there's something wrong with anyone who could spend seven years with this woman. Seven minutes sounds intolerable.

I wouldn't tolerate a dude who behaved the way your girlfriend does--or advise a woman to tolerate one--so there's no sexist double standard on my end. And so long as you're not ripping farts in front of her friends or chewing with your mouth open, there's no double standard on your end either, GO.

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1. Shelley Dustin said... on Apr 20, 2014 at 09:11PM


Me & my boyfriend was planning to get married last month, just last week we had some argument that made him get angry on me just because of the argument, he said we will not be married again and the next day he left me and we broke up. I still loved him and I wanted him to marry me, for me to get him back i had no choice than to contacted dr.marnish@ yahoo. com to help me and he helped me to bring my lover back to me so we can continue our plan to be married. he came back after 3 days
Shelley Dustin”

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