Philadelphia Weekly

I'm still on vacation. Here's another column from the Savage Love archives, which are housed at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. One day, scholars of human sexuality will pore over old Savage Loves, pondering archaic sexual practices like solo piss play and ancient slang terms like "whack."

My girlfriend and I see each other only on weekends. To overcome the overwhelming desire to jerk off during the week, I've discovered I get great pleasure urinating on myself. I don't know how this happened-one morning I just did it.

About an hour after drinking a lot of water, I lie down in the bathtub. When I can't hold it anymore, I direct a clear stream of urine all over my body. Then I pull my briefs back up and soak them.

I keep my eyes closed, but do I need to worry about any long-term effects on my hair or skin? Is there anything wrong with me?

My girlfriend knows nothing about this. I have no intention of telling her, and I don't want to be urinated on by anyone else.

We get a lot of letters here at Savage Labs. While every letter is unique, and everyone's dumbass problem is compelling in its own very special way, patterns do emerge, and Wet's letter is a good example of a certain type of letter we get. The kids in the mailroom call them HTHs, or "How'd That Happen?" letters.

You see, Wet is doing this completely whack thing-pissing on himself in the bathtub as a substitute for masturbation-and like a lot of folks doing whack things, Wet has some whack concerns. He has questions about the advisability of this whack behavior-will urine damage my skin? Is there something wrong with me?-so he writes a letter. Something he thinks, no doubt, took some courage.

But in composing his letter, Wet chickens out. He fails to take responsibility for his actions, casting himself as a passive player in this bathtub drama. He may be peeing on himself, but it wasn't really his idea. He writes: "I don't know how this happened-one morning I just did it." How'd That Happen?

I've been taking unsupervised baths for 27 years, and in all that time I never just "happened" to pee all over myself. The times I've pissed in the tub or shower, it was on purpose-I was too lazy to get out of the shower, or there was someone else in the shower with me and I was fulfilling a special request. But it never just "happened." I did it.

So, Wet, while I'm happy to answer your questions-no, it won't hurt you; yes, there is something terribly, terribly wrong with you-your unwillingness to take responsibility for your actions is what disturbs me most about your letter. Come on, admit it: You're into piss. You like it for its own sake, not as a substitute for masturbation.

Repeat after me: "I like piss. I'm into self-administered golden showers." This isn't something that just happened to you, like cancer or Candid Camera. It's something you did. You're a perv, Wet. Cop to it.

I was dog-sitting my friend's dog, and I fell asleep on the floor in my T-shirt (no underwear). When I awoke, the dog was licking my pussy, and to be honest, it felt so good that I didn't stop him until I came like I never have in my life. I was totally embarrassed and disgusted with myself, but the next night, it happened again. My questions:

1) Can I get infected in any way by dog germs on my pussy?

2) Is this harmful to me in any way?

3) How sick am I to fully enjoy this?

I'm too ashamed to ask a single soul in the world these questions. I wouldn't even ask a doctor these questions. I'm so afraid I'm going to catch some kind of infection from his tongue. Please answer me, because I need to know. I feel sick and ashamed.