Last week, I appeared at a “Savage Love Live” event at Radford University in Radford, Va. Questions are submitted on index cards at SLL events, which allows questioners to remain anonymous and forces them to be succinct. The crowd at Radford was large and inquisitive. The students submitted more questions than I could possibly hope to answer in two hours—and Radford students also managed to stump me. Twice. I promised the crowd that I would get answers for the two stumpers and answer as many of their other questions as I could in this week’s column. And here we go …
When I sneeze, I ejaculate. Is this normal?
Yes. Nothing to worry about. This happens to all guys. That’s why they make men’s underwear out of cotton.
Why do all the beautiful girls only go for guys who are assholes?
Why do all the guys only go for the beautiful girls who only go for assholes? P.S. You might want to skip the next question.
I really like this guy and I know he likes me, but he is so unapproachable! He always seems to be pissed off about something. How can I get his attention without practically throwing myself at him?
Someone who knows you’re interested in him and who’s genuinely interested in you but who affects a pissed-off demeanor is a game-playing douchebag, and game-playing douchebags are lousy boyfriend material. Surely there are some attractive guys on your campus—guys you like, guys who like you—who aren’t grumpy, game-playing assholes. You know, nice guys. Maybe you could date one of them?
Is it normal for girls to orgasm from dry humping alone?
Many girls learn to masturbate by grinding their crotches/clits against something—a pillow, typically—and dry humping is a pretty effective way to re-create that particular sensation, i.e., it provides her with the intense, direct clitoral stimulation she needs to get off.
Can you get AIDS or an STI from a dead body? Just wondering.
This is one of the two questions that stumped me. I promised to get an answer, and here it is: “As long as this isn’t a thinly veiled necrophilia question, the answer is no,” says Caitlin Doughty, a mortician, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and the star of the popular, hilarious and informative “Ask a Mortician” YouTube video series. “When the AIDS epidemic first hit in the ’80s, there were terrible stories about funeral homes that would charge more for bodies with HIV/AIDS or flat out tell the family the body was a threat and needed to be cremated immediately. Thankfully, that’s now considered wildly unethical and incorrect. Unless you’re an embalmer or coroner and dealing closely with all manner of fresh corpse fluids, there should be almost zero risk to you.”
Is it OK to want to be single for 15 more years?
More and more people are delaying marriage or remaining single—you might want to read Hanna Rosin’s The End of Men and Eric Klinenberg’s Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone—so yeah, it’s OK.
Savage Love: Sondheim is solace