Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 12 | Posted May. 15, 2002

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Why are you so reluctant to let anyone be bi? You have all these people writing to you saying they're straight but like members of their own sex, but you never say, "Hey, maybe you're bi." You're awfully quick to either affirm their self-image as gay or straight (Wannabe Cocksucker in last week's column) or contradict them (Mostly Straight Boy in the same column). Why not suggest a middle ground? Why perpetuate the myth that bisexuals do not really exist?

Jim in Memphis

I'm all for people identifying as bisexual if that sexual identity works for them. The problem with the bisexual identity, JIM, is that it doesn't work very well for very many people.

Sexual orientation may not be a choice, but sexual identity is. The more closely a person's professed sexual identity reflects his behavior, and the more closely his behavior reflects his desires, the less fucked-up and conflicted a person he's likely to be. So if a guy is attracted to men and women equally and he sleeps with both men and women and he falls in love with men and women, he should identify as bisexual, since the bisexual label most accurately describes who he is and what his partners can expect from him.

If a guy's sexual and emotional desires are overwhelmingly hetero, on the other hand, but he likes to suck cock once in a great while, then identifying as bisexual is rather misleading. A guy who's exclusively into women emotionally and 95 percent into women sexually probably shouldn't tell anyone he's bi. Better he should round himself up to 100 percent hetero in casual conversations and tell people he's straight--not because it's convenient or safer in the closet or because Dan Savage doesn't think bisexuals exist. (Believe me, they do, and I'm going to hear from them this week.) No, he should tell people he's straight because straight most accurately describes who he is.

Your most recent column is the first I've heard about straight guys wanting to get blowjobs from other guys. As a straight man, I can't say that I've ever fantasized about getting my cock sucked by another guy. I have to question if there are really as many gay-curious straight men as you suggest. I don't doubt that you get a lot of mail from straight guys curious about a homosexual encounter. But I think your sample may be a little skewed. Speaking as a straight male, I don't want a guy to suck my cock and it strikes me as odd that I'd be in the minority with my "no man-on-man-cock-sucking, please" stance as a straight man. Anyway, love the column.

Insert Clever Descriptive Pseudonym Here

Ahem.

The straight guys whose letters you object to, ICDPH, weren't looking for some guy to suck their cocks. Quite the contrary: They wanted to suck cock themselves. Most straight men who wanna have a homosexual experience wanna suck dick and get fucked, probably because those acts violate every straight man's it's-an- exit-not-an-entry, silly-faggot-dicks-are-for-chicks, no-way-dude taboos. And violating taboos, as any Catholic priest can tell you, is hot, hot, hot.

As for your other concerns, WBCS and other straight-identified guys who fantasize about sucking cock represent a small minority of straight men, and nothing I've ever written could be interpreted as implying otherwise. I do get a lot of mail from straight guys who wanna suck cock, as I said in my column, but I recognize that my sample is skewed. Straight guys curious about sucking cock are likelier to write me than they are Abigail "Call the Cops" Van Buren. A permissive gay male advice columnist is a better bet for sympathetic cocksucking advice and/or the website address of a particularly hot male escorts. (Here are few: www.davidin seattle.com, www.dannyjock.com, www.bitesizedblond.com.). But while my sample is skewed, I don't think the phenomenon of straight male wannabe cocksuckers is as rare as you and other insecure straight men would like to believe.

According to the authors of Sex in America, a book based on a groundbreaking sex study conducted by the University of Chicago in the early 1990s, while just 2.8 percent of American men identified as gay, almost 10 percent of men have had a homosexual experience after puberty. That means almost 7 percent of the "straight" men in America have sucked a little cock--and that was back in 1992, before heteroflexibility came into vogue. By no means are cocksucking straight guys the majority, ICDPH, but there would appear to be millions of straight male cocksuckers out there--and not just wannabes, mind you, but havedones.

Do you have any idea what it is about cocksucking that seems appealing to so many otherwise "straight" guys?

Help Us, My Mentor, Explain Random Solicitudes

Heterosexual men become aroused when researchers show them films of other men's hard cocks, HUMMER, which explains why there's so much cock in porn produced for straight men. It stands to reason that a small number of cock-obsessed straight men might let their obsessions get the better of them and take a walk on the wild side.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 12 of 12
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1. Anonymous said... on Oct 5, 2009 at 10:02PM

“You seem like kind of a jerk.

If you LOVE someone and are "happily married, WHY in the HELL would you need a MAN to suck your cock. Or ANYONE ELSE for that matter, but your WIFE.

Fantasize about it, fine, apparently it's normal. But WHY would you 1) want to suck someone's cock - you have a WIFE you claim to be happy with and 2) why would it matter WHO'S doing the sucking - you have a wife to do it. Why would you need a man few times a year? It's cheating and plainly makes NO sense.

Why would a STRAIGHT MAN who likes PUSSY suck cock? They do not correlate? Or ESPECIALLY get fucked by one.”

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2. Tom said... on Oct 6, 2009 at 08:00AM

“I like men and women. I hate to see cock in porn made for straight guys. It's a complete turn off. I love to see cock in gay porn. That's hot.”

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3. Couple127 said... on Oct 12, 2009 at 03:14PM

“I had two bi experiences; one with another couple man and woman. Another with a man who claimed to be straight until my wife asked if he would mind letting me suck his cock which I did. I sucked his 9" thick cock end up sitting on it and putting it up my ass. I really enjoyed both and even I only did that twice still to this day I wish I could do it again with another man with a cock that size and let him fuck me. I don't see man attractive but I like to see big thick cocks and would like to suck one and let it cum in my mouth. Am I bi?”

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4. Couple127 said... on Oct 12, 2009 at 03:14PM

“I had two bi experiences; one with another couple man and woman. Another with a man who claimed to be straight until my wife asked if he would mind letting me suck his cock which I did. I sucked his 9" thick cock end up sitting on it and putting it up my ass. I really enjoyed both and even I only did that twice still to this day I wish I could do it again with another man with a cock that size and let him fuck me. I don't see man attractive but I like to see big thick cocks and would like to suck one and let it cum in my mouth. Am I bi?”

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5. Couple127 said... on Oct 12, 2009 at 03:14PM

“I had two bi experiences; one with another couple man and woman. Another with a man who claimed to be straight until my wife asked if he would mind letting me suck his cock which I did. I sucked his 9" thick cock end up sitting on it and putting it up my ass. I really enjoyed both and even I only did that twice still to this day I wish I could do it again with another man with a cock that size and let him fuck me. I don't see man attractive but I like to see big thick cocks and would like to suck one and let it cum in my mouth. Am I bi?”

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6. Anonymous said... on Oct 17, 2009 at 03:11PM

“Do any other straight guys like having their asses licked every now and again by a gay guy?”

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7. Anonymous said... on Dec 20, 2009 at 11:28AM

“I went through a period of my life when I really enjoyed getting my dick sucked by male prostitutes. It felt so good. Then I used to jerk my friend off and suck his dick. He did the same to me. This went on for a while until I settled down with a woman for several years. Now out the blue the urge to be jerked off by a man is coming back strongly. I am aware that I am bi. Now, I may fantasize and jerk off thinking about men but, I don't know if I can actually put their dick in my mouth. Maybe it was just something I went through and grew out of it. It was fun then. Who knows... with thinking, if I ran into my older sex partner and he just touched my dick the whole thing may start again. It could feel so good to be touched by another man who knows and understand you. Many straight guys have had similar experiences but can't discuss it with their friends because nobody wants to be labeled.”

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8. Jimmy said... on Jul 29, 2010 at 02:32PM

“I would like to try sucking aonther guy's dick. I'm not interested in anal sex or kissing, but sucking a dick is a big turn on to me. I must try it soon.”

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9. Gregory said... on Jan 13, 2012 at 06:36PM

“I do not understand the big deal about one guy sucking another's penis. An erect penis is anatomically shape by nature to be orally pleasured in addition to penis/vaginal intercourse.Furthermore assuming that both guy's are of the same height the one on his knees just so happens (roughly speaking) be the correct height mouth to penis-another indication by nature this is a very natural thing to do. While masturbating deplete vital nutrients unless he swallows his own semen sucking another allows you to gain instead but that is not all. If you suck your patners penis it is best to allow him to climax/ejaculate inside of your mouth which is necessary for him to achieve his maximum pleasure,”

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10. Anonymous said... on Apr 10, 2012 at 05:29PM

“i am in no way what so ever attracted to men period, but i absolutly love sucking dick whenever i get a chance which unfortunately is rare. if i could fing a pretty shemale pre op, i would be the happiest straight dick sucking guy ever.”

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11. Anonymous said... on Aug 4, 2014 at 12:51AM

“My boyfriend likes screwing other men and letting men suck his dick, but also likes to have sex with me and give me oral sex. What does that make him? He has never let a man screw him.”

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12. yenlod said... on Oct 11, 2014 at 06:13PM

“If you suck cock you are a gay ranc hero. If your wife licks pussy she is a lesbian.”

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