Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Aug. 4, 2010

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Q: My boyfriend and I dated casually and weren’t ready to stop seeing other people, so we had an open relationship. This led to lots of fights, a couple minor breakups and eventually I called it quits. A month later, we started talking again and decided to commit for reals. No fucking around this time. This is his first monogamous relationship, and while he claims to miss the variety, he says he wouldn’t trade having me for having it. Here’s my question: I’d like to have a three-way. Will it open up the vault? While I trust him, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s OK for him to fuck around again. Is this too dangerous?

One More Time

A: Full disclosure: I’m on an airplane, under the influence, and in coach (which means I’m typing with my computer resting on my chest). So this week’s advice is sure to be extra sucky.

Okay, OMT, if you make the mistake of having a three-way, you could wind up fighting, breaking up and calling it quits all over again. But all of that could happen if you make the mistake of not having that three-way. And then, my God, just think of it: You would have gone through all of that again without having a three-way.

Err on the side of the three-way.

People in monogamous relationships get cheated on, OMT, even though their partners understand that it’s not OK to fuck around. So keeping the relationship officially monogamous doesn’t necessarily protect you from infidelity. Keeping it honest, keeping it communicative and being in a relationship with someone trustworthy does.

After you discuss this with your boyfriend, OMT, if you believe him when he swears that he can be trusted—when he swears to fully understanding that he’d still be in a quasi-monogamous relationship (you only have sex with other people together)—then why not satisfy his desire for a little variety and your desire for a three-way, aka “a little variety”?

Q: For the past six months, a very attractive, put-together auburn-haired man has come to my attention, but I have not done anything about it. He waits at the same bus stop as me in the morning. I’ve been dating other people since I’ve noticed Hot Bus Stop Man, but I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. I’ve only made eye contact with this cutie a few times because I’m not in the habit of asking complete strangers out. This morning, though, I attempted a smile in his direction, although I can’t be sure he saw because, of course, I was trying my best not to look at him and give myself away. What else can I do?

Girl Crushing On Hot Bus Stop Man

A: I’m only running your insanely boring letter on the off chance—two very off chances—that HBSM is (1) a reader and (2) not a fag. Hopefully, he is and isn’t, respectively, will recognize himself and will ask your demure little ass out. (If you’re reading and you’re gay, HBSM, compliment GCOHBSM’s new shoes the next time you see her and put her out of her misery, OK?)

If he’s not a reader, GCOHBSM, you’ll just have to risk saying something to him. Try “Hello.” Then smile at him —at him, not “in his direction”—and give yourself the fuck away, already.

Q: Rick Santorum is definitely running for president. A member of a forum I frequent referred to him as “Senator Frothymix.” You should refer to him as such if you mention his presidential hopes in your column.

That Is All

A: Oh, right. Rick Santorum.

About a year ago, when Santorum first leaked … er, signaled … his intention to run, I asked if any of my readers had a desire to blog at, my long-dormant Santorum-bashing/redefining blog. It’s still the number-one internet search result for “Santorum” and “Rick Santorum.” (This has been described as Santorum’s “serious Google problem” by political reporters and bloggers.)

Anyway, people wrote in and volunteered for the gig, and I somehow lost all of the emails. Sorry about that. If there are still folks out there who want to blog about Santorum at the No. 1 site for his name—people who want to be a part of Santorum’s Google problem—and want to do it for free, please write me at

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