Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 2 | Posted Jul. 28, 2010

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Q: Ever since hearing you say on your podcast that all men use porn, I have had a burning question: What about us women? If all men get a pass to have this whole other sex life, then I think all women should have a pass as well. Ideally, it would be a pass to enjoy something universally arousing to all women, something that would sexually satisfy us, but it wouldn’t be something that turns most men on, perhaps it might even repulse them.

If there were something that met my criteria, I wonder how it would play out in our relationships? Also, I am not sure what it could be, as women are a little bit more complicated.

Desires Erotic Balance

A: Something women enjoy but men do not … something erotic … a free pass for just the ladies … something that repulses most men …


The now-ubiquitous cupcake isn’t explicitly sexual, I realize, but our culture does encourage people—women in particular—to sublimate their erotic desires by stuffing their faces with food. And most of those squat, round and pink-frosted things look, to my jaded eyes, like so many squat little cocks, DEB, so many growers-not-showers with pink sprinkles, and most of those cupcocks are inhaled by women. So, cupcakes.

But if cupcakes don’t do it for you, DEB, then how about a free pass to enjoy, eyedunno, maybe porn?

“We’re actually in the middle of a porn-for-women revolution as millions—yes, millions—of women are loudly, even proudly, proclaiming their interest in porn,” says Violet Blue, author, blogger, activist and tireless foe of antiporn boneheads everywhere. If you were reading Blue’s blog——you would know that one out of every three consumers of Internet porn are female, according to a Nielsen NetRatings report released in 2007.

“What’s interesting isn’t just the growing number of women using porn,” says Blue, “it’s that they’re doing exactly what DEB suggests. It’s part of their own private sex lives that are mostly external to their relationships; they’re using porn as reliably as their favorite vibrators.”

What women have lacked up to now is the same “free pass” men enjoy.

“Guys are encouraged to have this other sex life with porn,” says Blue, “that’s seen as normal and healthy. But despite the numbers, our culture is having a hard time admitting that women like porn. Antiporn feminists ignore the female viewer. The only people, besides Oprah, acknowledging the female viewer are the antiporn Christians who see it (and female masturbation) as a disease they can cure!”

Blue directs female porn consumers to Our Porn, Ourselves (

“On OPO, women are talking about liking all kinds of porn, even stuff that goes too far for some guys,” says Blue. “Women are making each other feel comfortable about their newfound access to porn, openly having their desire to watch sex (and jack off to it) validated the same way that guys do.”

Q: I am a man in an open marriage. My wife dates men, and I get to enjoy the occasional threesome with her and one of her partners. The problem is, she is clearly more interested in “her” dates than in “ours,” because the hotter guys are more interested in her alone than in us together. My wife is GGG, but I can tell she would much rather be out on one of her dates. And it’s frankly depressing to watch her go through the motions with one of “ours.”

Does being GGG require her to be a good actress, or does it require me to pretend that I believe her when she claims she enjoys the three-ways we have together?

Is This A Silly Problem?

A: This isn’t a silly problem, ITASP, not at all.

Open relationships only work—closed relationships only work—when they make both people happy. You’re not happy, ITASP, which means your open relationship isn’t working.

Time to renegotiate terms.

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1. Anonymous said... on Aug 7, 2010 at 06:27AM

“stop fooling yourself!There is no such thing as "an open marriage"! You are NOT HAPPY! But your wife is, which is ok and she should be as well as yourself, so i suggest that you go on "dates" and enjoy yourself! Reality is your marriage will not last much longer if you are both doing your own thing and going your separte ways, when the two of you invited a third person into YOUR relationship that is the way it should have stayed, open and honest! Once you have been with the third party without eachother that is no longer called a threesome, its a relationship outside of marriage even if the both of you are aware! thats not healthy,honest, reivaluate your marrige and what it truly mean to the both of you. Good luck!”

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2. Anonymous said... on Aug 9, 2010 at 10:01AM

“I don't think open marriages are bad things as long as both people are honest and truly "open" about it with their spouse. What I don't understand in this situation with ITASP is why he isn't out dating as well? It seems the wife is the one who needs the openness and he agreed to it for her sake but has now found himself uncomfortable with it. If he wants to have threesomes that make him and her feel more comfortable then then it should be on him to find the thirds for that since that's what he wants, why does she have to do all the leg work? She's probably not enjoying it because she did pick these guys specifically for HER to have sex with initially. ITASP and his wife definitely need to talk about this and her taking a break from dating while they do this is prudent but he got into this knowing what she was like and trying to alleviate his insecurities about the situation by putting restrictions on her instead of confronting where they stem from seems silly to me.”


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