Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 3 | Posted Jul. 21, 2010

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Q: I was recently told that I am being puritanical because I can’t get over the fact that my partner seeks out pictures of very young girls to masturbate to. Nothing illegal, he says, but still.

He admits to having a 20-year-plus addiction to porn, and with that particular addiction, he says, comes the need to continue upping the taboo factor. I can understand the natural escalation from traditional porn to something more risqué, 8-year-old girls, however, are innocents preyed upon by pedophiles and people with child-lust disorders, in my opinion, and I think a rational adult, even in the throes of sexual whimsy, should recognize that boundary and not cross it. My question is this: Is it considered typical sexual behavior for a guy who’s really into porn to seek out YouTube videos of 10-year-old ballerinas without having any kind of pathological inclination toward pedophilia?

He Says I’ve Turned Into My Born-Again-Christian Mother

A: “Whimsy” is not a word I would associate with your boyfriend’s sexual interests or porn-viewing habits.

Your partner is chock full o’ shit, HSITIMBACM, as my own experiences with porn demonstrate: I’ve been consuming gay porn for 20-plus years now, and I have yet to “escalate” to YouTube videos of 10-year-old boys doing whatever it is 10-year-old boys do in the videos they upload to YouTube. (Are they jumping on trampolines? Lighting their farts? Writing Sarah Palin’s Facebook status updates? I don’t know because I’ve never checked.)

Backing up: It’s usually duly closeted members of the religious right who run around claiming that porn consumers seeking new thrills quickly progress from softcore to hardcore to kink to kiddie to kids. I believe your partner—lying piece of shit that he is—has latched on to the rhetoric and reasoning of antiporn crusaders because (1) he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions (“Woe is me, the helpless porn addict”) and (2) he has no intention of stopping.

Hopefully your partner hasn’t “escalated” to actual kiddie porn yet, HSITIMBACM, and is only repurposing the odd ballet-recital video. But his attempts to rationalize and shift blame—to say nothing of his efforts to convince you that you’re the one with the problem—are ominous warning signs. His is the kind of deeply fucked-up, sociopathic reasoning you hear from guys who are consuming actual child porn and/or raping actual children.

Your boyfriend has a problem, not you; he needs help, not YouTube.

Q: Here’s what happened: I just had sex with a street hooker. Here’s how it happened: After cleaning her hands with alcohol-based lotion, she jerked me off with her hand. Then when I came, she rubbed the head of my penis all over one of her cheeks. It felt wonderful. When we were cleaning up, I saw she had something on her face. She said she had been injured in a fight with a screwdriver some days ago, and although there was no blood on this “sore,” or whatever it might be called, she had removed a crust from it earlier on, before meeting me. This sore was not open, so there was no visible blood, but it was somewhat raw. My question is, what risk of STIs is there? Herpes? Hepatitis? AIDS?

Can’t Relax Unsafe-Sex Tension

A: You had me at “fight with a screwdriver,” CRUST; there was really no need to include that detail about the crust.

The odds that you contracted a sexually transmitted infection from your sex worker are very small. Unless the head of your cock had been reduced to a raw and bloody pulp by that handjob, and unless there was blood seeping out of her sore, it’s unlikely that her blood got into your bloodstream and, therefore, highly unlikely that you contracted anything more serious than a desire to inspect future hires for puncture wounds. If anyone was at risk in the situation you described in such colorful detail, CRUST, it was her , the sex worker who foolishly rubbed your semen into an open sore.

Q: My wife left me a few weeks ago because she discovered an affair that I had a few years ago. In the years since the affair, I recommitted myself to our marriage and became a more attentive husband. My wife is hurt and furious, and for weeks would only call me to talk about getting a divorce. Three nights ago, my wife told me she is pregnant. She still wants a divorce, but she also wants our child to grow up in a stable environment, so she says she will forgive me to an extent so we can have an amicable relationship for the sake of our child. Last night, I went over to her new apartment and we had the first decent conversation we’ve had in months. She promised that I can have an active part in our child’s life, which means I have an all-access pass into her life, too.

I love my wife and miss her so much. I want to be a good father and do what’s right. In part, I think that means staying married to my wife. Would it be wrong or immoral of me to use our child as an excuse to spend more time with her in the hopes that we can reconcile? For the next seven months, I can go with her to doctor appointments, Lamaze classes, baby stores—to say nothing of when our child arrives. Or would that be irresponsible?

Can’t Handle A Divorce

A: As reconciling with the wife would be in the best interests of your soon-to-be-born child, CHAD, spending more time with the wife in the hopes of reconciling would be the right and moral and responsible thing to do. Just don’t be sneaky about it, CHAD, as the wife clearly doesn’t appreciate your sneaking around. Tell her you still hope to reconcile, and ask if you can schedule some counseling sessions for after your Lamaze classes.

Q: I’ve been spending my summer vacation reading through the Savage Love archives on your new Savage Love iPhone app. I was wondering if you ever heard from any of those people again, telling you how things resolved? I would like to think that people were able to work through their mismatched-interest issues with partners, or that the poor guy with the botched circumcision whose penis no longer had a head was able to get some sexual satisfaction.

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Comments 1 - 3 of 3
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1. creolepapa2 said... on Jul 21, 2010 at 04:37PM

“Hello Dan,
I have a question...Thanks to reading your column, I discovered that lots of heterosexual couples perform anal intercourse. My question is this:
Since women do not have prostates, is there any pleasure to be had by a woman who is penetrated anally.?...Does she feel any pleasurable sensations in her anus.?
Just curious.

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2. Anonymous said... on Jul 21, 2010 at 07:42PM

“The boyfriend addicted to videos of young girls doesn't need help, he needs prison time.”

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3. Anonymous said... on Jul 26, 2010 at 08:01AM

“It's the responsibility of the partner of the person who's watching children for sexual release to turn this man in. Not suggest to him that he gets help, because he won't, but to TURN HIM IN. The type of behavior he's exhibiting is only going to lead to acting out, if it hasn't already. I don't care what excuse he gives, or how he tries to justify it. He's sick and the letter writer is in a position to help prevent some innocent child from being preyed upon. Do the children a favor and TURN HIM IN!!!”


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