Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Apr. 17, 2013

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I have plenty of ideas about role-play scenarios that could be initiated by a man, AARP, but sexual pleasure is highly subjective—one gay man’s hot role-play scenario is likely someone else’s nightmare scenario. So you’re going to have to talk with your woman about what kinds of scenarios turn her on.

Some people have a hard time talking about their kinks. Just saying the words “I’m into role-play” is such a struggle that a nervous kinkster is emotionally exhausted after the big reveal. The kinkster feels like she’s done the hard part—she said “role-play” or “bondage” out loud!—and her partner should do the rest of the work, i.e., make their fantasies come true without asking them to talk about it anymore. But you can’t fly blind into someone else’s sexual fantasies. If she’s turned on by something mild like a sexy-cop-and-speeding-driver role-play scenario, AARP, surprising her with a serial-killer-and-his-terrified-victim role-play scenario is likely to backfire. Likewise, someone who’s turned on by gentle neckties-and-bedposts bondage isn’t going to be happy about an intense institutional-restraints-and-soundproof-leather-hood bondage session.

She’s going to have to give you more information, AARP, and you’re going to have to let go of the notion that being the Dom means not asking questions. A dominant’s first job—before a role-play scene begins, before anyone gets tied up—is to ask questions and find out what his submissive wants to experience. The trick is to give her what she wants while building in small surprises and gradually, over time, pushing into new territories together.

But you’re going to have to ask her more questions, and she’s going to have to answer them. If she’s too shy to talk about her kinks face-to-face, have the convo over email.

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