Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Apr. 2, 2013

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I am trying to understand some fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we tried pegging a few years ago. We recently had a child and can no longer find the time for such kinky sex. These transsexual fantasies have caused a large strain in our relationship, and I don’t understand why I am having them. I do not want a relationship with another person I just want to know if it’s normal to have these fantasies.

Confused But Hopeful

Normal? No, most men don’t fantasize about their wives sprouting penises, CBH, so your fantasy isn’t normative. But no one’s sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are subjective and personal. Some are more common than others—a desire to be spanked, for instance—but even the most common sexual fantasies appeal only to small subsets of people.

Here’s what you should do about your fantasies for now: Shut up and fantasize about them. Your sex life has taken a hit because you’re new parents; odds are good that your wife doesn’t have the time or energy for sex right now without you also asking her to do something impossible (grow a penis) or something risky (give you the OK to get this fantasy fulfilled elsewhere). And considering what that pegging awoke in you, your wife may be experiencing a bad case of pegger’s remorse right now. She may worry where your fantasies will ultimately lead, e.g., cheating or leaving. That’s not something a new mom (or a new dad) wants to contemplate. So, again, shut the fuck up and beat the fuck off for now. In a year or maybe two, after your sex life has kicked back into gear, your wife might be willing to either explore your fantasies through role-play games or give you a pass to get with a woman with a dick.

To understand more about your fetish, google “gynandromorphophilia.”

My boyfriend recently became interested in motorcycles, which makes me nervous for his safety. He settled on a motorcycle/scooter hybrid that only goes 50 miles per hour. Now he’s looking into upgrading to a full motorcycle. I am genuinely worried for his safety. However, it’s his life, we don’t have kids, and I certainly don’t control him. How do you deal with your fear over a loved one’s safety when they choose to do something that makes you nervous?

Wants Improved Motor Practices

My husband recently became interested in growing a mustache, which made me nervous for my sanity. (All of my uncles had mustaches when I was a kid, and the thought of kissing a guy with a mustache made me think of kissing my uncles Ray, Bill, Jerry, Jimmy, et al.) He went ahead and grew one while I was out of town. It’s his face, of course, and I certainly don’t control him. But I control my face, and I refused to press mine to his—or press any other part of my body to any part of his—until the mustache was gone. It was gone the next day. Maybe you could take the same approach with your boyfriend?

I am a 29-year-old straight male. I was introduced to Fetlife—and to BDSM generally—by my former girlfriend, who has a profile on the site. The relationship ended a year ago. We tried to be friends, but she changed her mind, and now we don’t speak. I joined Fetlife recently, and here’s where it gets awkward: After our breakup, I occasionally looked at her profile. When she posted a couple nice photos of herself, I stupidly liked them. Now she’s messaged me a couple times, and I am terrified. There are no pictures on my profile, so she doesn’t know it’s me. Now I don’t know what to do: ignore the messages, come clean, or what?

Ex Currently Keeping Secret

We can’t stop our exes from checking out our online personal ads, blogs, websites, Tumblrs, etc., but you stepped over the line when you liked your ex’s photos. That act amounted to initiating contact with a woman who made it clear that she no longer wished to be in contact with you. You could respond to her messages with “Hey, it’s me,” but she may feel that you tricked her into getting back in contact. Having her messages ignored might also upset her, ECKS, but a nonresponse from a presumed stranger will be less upsetting than a hello from you. There are lots of lurkers and flakes on dating sites, and it’s pretty common to send one or two messages to someone and never hear back. So don’t respond.

I’m a 20-year-old full-time college student, studying engineering. I work two jobs and participate in athletics. As you can imagine, I have little time to myself, let alone time to spend finding someone. But I recently became “involved” with a member of the faculty. He’s 20 years older than I am, and we have so much in common that it should be illegal! Should I cut the cord now? Or should I continue enjoying the hottest, sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met?

Sincerely Smitten Student Hesitates

Enjoy.

And if your hot, sweet, thoughtful faculty member honors the Campsite Rule, i.e., he leaves you in better shape than he found you (no diseases, no unplanned pregnancies, no avoidable drama/trauma), you are in turn obligated to honor the Tea and Sympathy Rule, i.e., when you speak of this in future years—and you will—you will be kind (no nuttiness, no anger that a relationship that was unlikely to work out long-term didn’t wind up turning into an LTR, no sabotaging his academic career by naming names and institutions in a tell-all post on FuckedMyProf.tumblr.com). Have fun, SSSH.

You’ve given a lot of great advice, Dan, but I have to take issue with your recommendation to Socially Interactive Sister. She was thinking about hiring someone to relieve her 22-year-old brother of his virginity. Why would you recommend a sex worker when you could recommend a professional surrogate partner therapist? These professionals work hand in hand with licensed sex therapists and have training in order to work therapeutically with folks just like SIS’s brother. Additionally, you incorrectly associate sex work with the movie The Sessions, which clearly deals with surrogate partner therapy. Sex work and surrogate partner therapy are not the same. This will make it more difficult for those of us working in this field who are trying to legitimize surrogate partner therapy. You can find more info at surrogatetherapy.org.

Advocate For Surrogate Partner Therapy

Thanks for sharing, AFSPT.

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