Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 1 | Posted Apr. 13, 2010

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Q: I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I’m pretty GGG. I’m not put off easily. I just started seeing this guy. I haven’t known him for long—no serious sexual activity other than mild foreplay. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of “dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs.” Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again.

Was my reaction legit? I’ve indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?

Turned Off And Displeased

A: First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD—make your excuses and bolt. On to your question…

You’ve liked being treated like a dirty whore and you’ve done BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular guy? Someone who’s turned on by extreme power games—hardcore BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes—has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship (“haven’t known him for too long”), your gut rightly told you that this “nice, good-looking guy” wasn’t someone with whom you would feel safe.

Because when he told you about his extreme kinks, TOAD, you simply didn’t know him well enough to say to yourself, “Hey, that’s some hardcore shit there—but he’s proved himself to be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him.” And not only didn’t you know him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should’ve known that you didn’t know him well enough to come to that conclusion.

By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck out there.

I don’t think he should’ve lied, TOAD, but he should have had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying, “I’m into dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs,” he could have said, “I’m into experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I’m intrigued by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances.” Then, after you got to know each other a bit better, and after he had proved himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he could’ve opened up a bit more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and perhaps done so without creeping you out.

I’m not saying that he’s a creep or an abuser or a wannabe rapist—or that he’s not all of those things. Maybe he’s just young and inexperienced and hasn’t learned how to talk about his creepy kinks without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe the booze caused him to blurt out something he usually rolls out with more finesse. It’s up to you whether you give him a second chance—but make the next date a dry one, and if he creeps you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses, and bolt.

Q: I’m in my 30s, married, and bisexual. I have a problem with my wife. She doesn’t think my bisexuality is “real.” While I lean toward women, I definitely find some men attractive, and have had some form of sex with men before my wife. However, since I never took it in the ass, she believes that I’m not really bisexual. She gets embarrassed when we are with our gay friends and tales of my man-on-man experiences come up. She doesn’t want me to talk about it. I’m not hitting on anyone, or contemplating cheating on her with a man, just talking about the past. Am I wrong to think that she is being kind of an asshole by not accepting my sexuality? Or am I just being selfish in not soothing her faithfulness fears?

Likes Men But Loves Wife

A: Hmm… your wife refuses to believe that you’re bisexual because you never got around to taking it in the ass. There’s a simple way to solve that problem, LMBLW: Take it in the ass a couple dozen times and present your wife with a lovely boxed set of commemorative DVDs.

That would mean cheating on her, though, something you’re not interested in doing and something she fears. I suppose you could point out that women with straight husbands aren’t exactly guaranteed an adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford, and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent heterosexual men—at least so far as we know at press time—and despite their husbands’ failure to take it in the ass (no man’s perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In Touch , Us , and People .

But, while I think your wife is being a bit of an asshole (and a lot in denial) by not accepting your bisexuality, LMBLW, regaling your gay pals with tales of your man-on-man experiences could annoy a spouse who was comfortable with your sexuality.

Q: As a “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbian who tends to be attracted to other “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians, I wish EVERY “single and looking” lesbian wore something that said so—like the lesbian reader last week who was thinking about going out in a “Single. Lesbian. Interested?” T-shirt. When I do go out to the one lesbian bar in my city, people look at me with that “What are you doing in OUR bar?” stare.

Show Me Your Status

A: There are nearly twice as many gay-identified men out there as there are lesbian-identified women. This fact alone is all the proof we need that homosexuality isn’t a choice. Considering what shits straight men can be—judging from my mail—surely more women would choose homosexuality if they could.

Anyway, it seems to me that what single lesbians need—in addition to dyke bars, internet personal ads, women’s softball leagues, and cat-food aisles in grocery stores (man, those lesbian/cat jokes never get tired!)—is a secret sign. I’m thinking something subtle, SMYS, not because I’m pro-closet, but because I’m pro-tasteful. Message T-shirts? Never tasteful. And “Nobody Knows My Girlfriend Is a Lesbian” T-shirts are very 1995.

Instead, maybe all lesbians everywhere should start wearing a button. No words, just a solid color, something small and tasteful that could be pinned to the strap of a purse, the lapel of a jacket, or the belt loop on a pair of jeans. Thinking outside the lavender/pink/purple box, I think the button should be green—green for “go,” green as in “Go ahead and hit on me, ladies. I’m a lesbian.

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1. Sexually Liberated and Un-Tamed said... on Apr 16, 2010 at 07:48AM

“I appreciated your advice to TOAD,but you run the risk when asking such a direct question, when the answer may be not in your comfort zone.The man here also runs the risk of being dishonest only to have it thrown in his face later of "That's not what you said" when the truth is discovered.Although I agree that everyone should be cautious! Let's be careful not to put a red flag on those who derive pleasure from fantasies left of vanilla or the thought police may snag us all”

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