Q: I’m a 23-year-old bi dude seeing a guy who is intelligent, sweet and attractive. The problem is, after our first night together, I lost sexual interest in him. When I do get horny, I prefer to beat off alone, because I can fantasize about some sort of transgression or other when I do it, e.g., having sex where I’m at risk of being discovered, rape fantasies, incest scenarios. Obviously, at some point I began associating “sexy” with “dangerous” and maybe “wrong.” I want a serious relationship, but I’m tired of pretending and failing in bed because I’m just not into the sex. What do I need to do?
-Two Guys, One Erection
A: Here’s an idea, TGOE: risk having the sex that turns you on—sexy, dangerous, and wrong—with this guy who turns you on. Fuck him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered, fuck him by simulated force. And whether you’re fucking at home or in public, TGOE, you’re free to fantasize that your no-relation boyfriend is your brother/nephew/uncle—or sister/niece/aunt—if that’s what it takes to get you off. (Whether it would be wise to tell him that you’re entertaining incest fantasies while you’re fucking him is another matter.)
And when you’re not having dangerous and/or wrong sex, TGOE, you can talk—talk dirty—about all the dangerous and/or wrong sex you’ve had with him already and plan to have with him in the future. Even if you’re fucking around under the covers at home with the door shut and the lights off, TGOE, you can tell him about how next time you’re going to fuck him so hard in a public place that the police are going to come running when they hear him scream because you’re both so dangerous and wrong and blah blah dirty talk blah.
But you’ll never get to a “two guys, two erections” place, TGOE, if you don’t risk sharing your real sexual fantasies and interests with this guy. Given a choice between hot sex with his boyfriend—which requires incorporating the boyfriend’s kinks—or boring sex that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and him feeling rejected, and eventually leads to the demise of this relationship, your boyfriend is likelier to choose hot sex.
Q: I’m male, straight, in my mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. But each time I try to break it off, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she’ll tell people about my fantasies—one in particular. AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!! The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I—on occasion—used mental images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her in real life—I was never attracted to her when she was physically present—and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?
-Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?
A: I wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you seem to be—Jesus, the shit I could get away with. Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing—and hopefully you didn’t—you’re not the one in real danger here. Your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is. Here’s what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer-operative sexual fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that looked of stunned incredulity on your face and say, “I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?” Then just for the hell of it, FFOFF, confide in one or two friends that you’re not surprised your ex went there—that she tried to drag your sister into this—because she was always pressuring you about having a three-way with your sister, and that was one of the reasons you dumped her. And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it’s not uncommon for teenagers to fantasize—and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize—about their siblings. Sex can seem scary and new, while our siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, those early and inappropriate fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good sense to stuff ’em down the memory hole.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He’s 23 and I’m 22. He’s a virgin and I’m not. I’ve been very slow and patient about sex, and he’s responded really well. I’m GGG, and he’s gotten really good about taking initiative and suggesting things. We’ve done all the basic sex-without-actual-intercourse things—outercourse, fingering, oral—and we’re both very satisfied with our “not sex” life. Lately, the subject of anal intercourse has come up. I’ve never done it, but I am turned on by the idea, and he’s definitely up for it. What’s the problem then? The idea of our first real sex being anal bothers me. He pleases me, and his reasons for not having vaginal sex when we do so much else are at least somewhat logical (we’re both paranoid about pregnancy, even though I’m on birth control and we’d use condoms). But I worry that by having anal sex, I’ll delay the sex that I really want! Plus, I worry that by having exclusively anal sex now, he won’t be as turned on by the regular kind later.
-Stick It In Me Already
A: If he’s not up for vaginal intercourse for religious and/or ridiculous reasons, SIIMA, that’s his call. If you’re not up for anal sex for whatever reason, that’s your call. He should support your decision, SIIMA, just as you’ve supported his.
And for the record: Neither of you are virgins. You have a little virgin territory left to explore—your vagina, your butt, his butt—but you’re both sexually active nonvirgins, and have been for months.
Q: My husband and I have been together for 11 years. I thought we had a very understanding relationship. In the last couple of days, I have found out that he has a serious obsession with females wearing running shoes. He had in the past hinted at the fact that it turns him on, but I had no idea the scope of this obsession. I believed that he could trust me enough to be open with me, but he has been hiding this from me for 11 years! I am still in shock and not quite sure how to deal with it. He obviously feels ashamed, otherwise he would have told me years ago. Why did he not bring this up before we got married? I don’t know if I can live with knowing that he gets a hard-on for every running-shoe-wearing woman who goes by. I feel betrayed and creeped out. He says that he didn’t want to hurt me, but he has done just that. I am beginning to think our marriage isn’t going to survive this. Am I being too sensitive? How can I fix my marriage?...
Q: I’m a girl who sabotaged my relationship. I was angry, but my real issue was a store of repressed childhood trauma, and I was working it out on the closest person to me. We had something and I destroyed it. I am now willing to give 110 percent to fix it. We no longer have sex. We are hardly on speaking terms. Do you have any tips on initiating sex with someone who I have traumatized or on improving communication with someone who is so resentful? -Saboteur Addressing Dysfunctions A: I’ll get to your problem in a second, SAD. But first, a Savage Love programming note: I don’t usually mention where I’m writing a particular column, because it doesn’t really matter whether my computer is sitting on Ann Landers’ desk or resting on Apolo Ohno’s ass. I’m writing this column on an airplane, and I was totally in the zone...