I Don't Like Anal Sex

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 7 | Posted Feb. 23, 2010

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I’m writing to you to settle a dispute between my husband and me. We’re not terribly adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. My husband constantly pesters me to have anal sex. We have tried it in the past, and it is NOT my bag. I don’t enjoy it AT ALL. I’m pretty GGG, Dan, but this is one thing where I draw the line. He thinks I’m being unreasonable; I think he is. Do I need to give in, or does he need to get off my back?

Needing Expert Advice

I think we should all be—as I’ve written about a hundred thousand times—good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently like to remind married people—particularly, married people who value monogamy—that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their spouses’ sexual fulfillment.

That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes.

But before I let you off the anal hook: I’m assuming that your all-caps emphasis—“NOT my bag,” “don’t enjoy it AT ALL”—means that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial and/or an emotional torment. “I could TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT” or “There’s nothing in that for ME” or “That leaves me COLD” are not good enough reasons to refuse to occasionally indulge your spouse in whatever it is that gets him/her off. While it would be wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian! So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone.

Okay, NEA, getting back to your ass: You tried it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it. And, yes, your husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do have to let him grieve—grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get from you and, if you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get anywhere else.

And speaking of anal …

Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state—where it’s been legal for less than three months—and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think … would I allow that to be done to ME?”

Where to begin? How about here …

If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.

I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.

And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?

“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to Elliott’s remarks, “Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average—67.5 percent—that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”

Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a whole lot more—than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)

I am a female who likes anal sex. The problem is my boyfriend’s dick is too big. It’s about nine inches long, but the real issue is girth. I enjoyed anal sex with a previous partner, but my BF and I have done it only once. It was fairly unpleasant, even though we used copious amounts of lube. Are there ways to make anal sex possible for us?

Stop trying to wiggle that monster into your rectum, and focus instead on fingers and toys and orgasms for you, cheeky-fucking for the boyfriend. (Think titty-fucking, but using your ass cheeks instead of your tits.) Have lots of orgasms with toys of various sizes in your ass. Then every once in a while—when you’re feeling it, when your ass feels like it’s ready, when you’re not having your butt menses—ease the boyfriend in. He should stay absolutely still while you get yourself off with your hands or a vibrator. The next time you’re feeling it, put him in and let him move around just a little while you get yourself off.The goal here—and it’s a long-term goal—is to make anal sex as pleasurable for you as it is, or will be one day, for the boyfriend. Take your time, don’t rush things, and thanks for being one of the 70,771,200 straight people out there who prove every day that you can have anal sex and access to legal marriage, too.

I am an 18-year-old female college freshman. My boyfriend is also 18. He recently confided in me that he wanted to wear my panties and a dress while I fucked him in the ass with a dildo. I have been reading your column since I was 13. Had I never read your column, I might have assumed my boyfriend was gross or thought I was gross for liking the idea. Instead, I helped pick out a dress I thought would look sweet on him, and we had a wonderful time. Thank you so much!

Loves Boys In Panties

No, thank you, LBIP, because every time a straight girl sticks something up a straight boy’s ass, a bigoted state representative dies a little inside.

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Comments 1 - 7 of 7
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1. A rock in britain said... on Feb 28, 2010 at 04:01PM

“Living across the 'pond-Atlantic' as i do, i am always amassed at the fact that you (as a nation) host some of the best and worst sex web sites going, and yet have the freedom to write about what you like but show a nipple in prime time and you are all up in arms. Everyone to their own thing.

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2. monica stevens said... on Mar 31, 2010 at 08:19AM

“The first thing when you are with sex partner you want to do is talk to her about your anal sex fantasy. Tell her that it is something you really would like to try with her and that you think she will enjoy the knowledge. Let her know that it is really important to you. Most women want to please their man in bed. If she knows it is something you really wish she will at least consider the idea. I have read this interesting story about anal sex blog here:

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3. Anonymous said... on Apr 19, 2010 at 05:51PM

“I am with a man who loves anal sex more than anything else. The problem is we have tried every anal position we can find and they all hurt and make me bleed even with a ton of lube. He understands this and does not want to force me to do it if it hurts. He wants me to enjoy our sexual practices. But I know he loves it and I want to make him happy. Is there anything I can do?”

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4. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2010 at 03:41AM

“My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have tried anal and sometimes it felt good, not when he was inside though. Just when something is vibrating on the outside is when it feels good. He has used me no choosing to do anal sex as a threat for a bad relationship and sex life. This is so wrong of him and makes me feel not good enough. What do I do? In my belief, my asshole is an exit only area.”

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5. Belier in Delaware said... on Oct 4, 2010 at 06:21AM

“On our honeymoon, my new bride wanted to give me something she had never given another man. She brought out the lube and I s-l-o-w-l-y went for it. Anal sex has continued every couple of months or so for 20 years. It provides gret sex for both of us. The muscles in that area PULL you inside. I also enjoy having something inside me to massage the prostate. That gives a mind blowing orgasm!”

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6. Anonymous said... on Nov 10, 2010 at 06:55PM

“Email me if you want the best blow job of your life! I'm Craig-craigcaines@hotmail.com”

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7. Richard said... on Dec 12, 2010 at 05:30PM

“Plz anal sex is just great.I really enjoy anal sex,but clean your ass before
and you will enjoy it.”


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