Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Mar. 26, 2013

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I’m a 23-year-old bi female, and I’ve been heavily sub-identified since I started having sex years ago. But lately, with the helpful guidance of my lovely boyfriend, I’ve been realizing I have a very pronounced Dom streak. Do you have any pointers on starting out? I read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and it was helpful, but I was wondering if you had any tips. I’m nervous about doing it wrong.

Another Novice Top

Give yourself permission to do it “wrong,” ANT. I don’t mean “wrong” in the accidentally-injure-or-kill-the-boyfriend sense of doing BDSM wrong. I mean “wrong” in the go-your-own-way sense. You’ll be less nervous about topping if you relax and give yourself permission to be yourself, i.e., nervous and inexperienced, a little awkward in your new role. Remember: You don’t have to be the perfect snarling dominatrix the very first time you pick up a crop. You don’t have to be a snarling dominatrix ever, ANT, if that’s not who you want to be. Check out the wonderful Beyond the Valley of the FemDoms——for some insight on being your own dominant woman, not some FemDom porn cliche. Good luck! 

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