Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 1 | Posted Nov. 27, 2012

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Alone With Accessories She Had

Jonathan Schroder, general manager of Mr. S Leather in San Francisco (, suggests that you get rid of your bondage gear. Schroder is in the business of selling sex toys—Mr. S is famous for its high-quality bondage gear—but his advice isn’t about his desire to move merchandise. It’s about your desire for gals, AWASH.

“Personally, I think some of the best gear you can get is hand-me-down gear,” says Schroder. “And there’s a great tradition in the gay leather community about passing gear from older folks to younger folks. But my gut tells me that a new girlfriend might wig out about used bondage gear. We have a lot of customers and couples that have a strong preference for cleanliness. But straight women in particular prefer that things be wiped down, well cleaned and shiny. So a woman who opens a dresser drawer and finds restraints with signs of wear and tear—and signs of someone else’s sweat or fluids on them—is probably going to be turned off.”

So get rid of your old gear, Schroder advises, but don’t throw it away.

“Find someone who wants and can’t afford bondage gear, and give it to them,” says Schroder. “Gear is expensive, and there are people out there who can’t afford it. Help ’em out.”

@fakedansavage says polyamory a “choice,” not an “identity.” Where have we heard that argument before? Meet the new bigots, same as the old.


If all people are naturally nonmonogamous—a point I’ve made about 10 million times—then from my perspective, polyamory and monogamy are relationship models, not sexual orientations. (And if poly and monogamy are sexual orientations, Lily, wouldn’t going solo have to be considered one, too?) That was my point. Poly can be central to someone’s sexual self-conception, and it can be hugely important, but I don’t think it’s an orientation in the same way that gay, straight or bisexual are orientations. People can and do, of course, identify as poly. But is poly something anyone can do or something some people are ? I come down on the “do” side. Lily clearly disagrees.

But as @GetItBigGurl said on Twitter, where Lily and I engaged about my comments in last week’s column, “Openly pondering difference between orientation vs. lifestyle isn’t bigotry, legislating against polyamory is.”

No one is legislating against polyamory here. Just thinkin’ about things.

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1. billyg said... on Nov 29, 2012 at 01:34PM

“You wasted way too much space on IDGAF. What cares???”


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