Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 3 | Posted Jul. 17, 2012

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After eight years of marriage, it turns out that the blowjobs I give are “good but not great” and are now getting “boring.” My husband is unable to tell me anything specific that he wants, just that I should do something different and “be creative.” I’ve done pretty much everything I can think of over the years, fingers and hands included, so I have no idea where to go from here! My husband is my first partner, so I have no past experience to draw from, and porn hardly seems the proper inspiration: visually exciting (for a guy) but no visible technique other than some extreme deep-throating, which I am incapable of, as I have a sensitive gag reflex. Is there anything nonstandard but fun that you (or your fans) could suggest? I’m not exactly vanilla, so I’m willing to try pretty much anything at this point.

Thought I Was Doing It Well

 

Seeing as I think saying, “You’re doing it wrong, do it better, but don’t ask me how I want it done,” is an asshole move, TIWDIW, I’m tempted to give asshole advice. Something along the lines of “take a swig of Tabasco sauce immediately before popping his dick in your mouth.”

You seem like a nice person, TIWDIW: a good sex partner, GGG, open to constructive criticism. But “I grow weary of your blowjobs, they bore me—do something about it!” isn’t constructive criticism. It’s destructive criticism, the kind of feedback that can leave a sex partner feeling inadequate and self-conscious. To be constructively critical, your husband needs to come through with some suggestions and direction—something more helpful than “surprise me.” (I bet he’d find that mouthful of Tabasco sauce surprising.)

Now, maybe your husband has no clue what he wants you to do. But that’s still no excuse for “Your blowjobs bore me. Fix it! Creatively!” Your husband should’ve tossed out some suggestions, invited you to do the same, and you two should’ve given ’em all a whirl until you found a few new tricks that worked.

Minor unfairnesses slosh around relationships like water in the bottom of a canoe, of course, but “Be creative!” in this context isn’t just unfair, it’s paralyzing. Putting all the responsibility for busting out new tricks on the shoulders of the person whose blowjob/assfucking/bondage skills have been criticized rarely results in the criticized person busting out new and mind-blowing blowjob/assfucking/bondage moves. A destructively criticized sex partner is apt to shut down. So your husband isn’t just guilty of unfair behavior here, TIWDIW, he’s guilty of self-defeating behavior. Meaning, you may be able to give better head—we all have room for improvement—but this is not the way to go about getting better head from you.

Finally, TIWDIW, you mention that your husband was your first partner. Can I ask how many women he’s been with? If the answer is “not many,” then I would respectfully suggest to your husband that his frame of reference may not be large enough to craft an informed critique of your technique. For all he knows, you give amazing head. (Cue the straight men who’ll tell your husband that he should be happy he’s getting blowjobs at all.) But routine can make even the best blowjobs seem boring. So it may not be the how of your blowjobs that bore him, TIWDIW, but the when and the where . Give him the same old head in a new and exciting place (outside?) or in a new and exciting circumstance (his hands tied behind him?) and see if that doesn’t make your blowjobs exciting again.

And while we’re on the subject of oral sex: How are your husband’s cunnilingus skills these days? If they’re not all they could be, now’s the time to tell him.

 

I’m a straight guy into intense bondage—extended scenes, sensory deprivation—and the only people who have the gear and are willing to do it for free are gay guys. I laid my kink cards on the table at three months, per your instructions, and told my girlfriend that I sometimes get tied up by guys. She understood. It turns out that she’s been reading your column since she was 15. She’s not worried that I’m gay; she didn’t ask me to stop. Just writing to say thanks.

Only Gay For Bondage

 

You’re welcome, OGFB. Give my regards to the girlfriend.

 

I was upset by the letter last week about the devotee who posted pictures of her disabled girlfriend’s body online without permission. I cannot speak for all devotees, but I was disgusted by the behavior. As a devotee, I do find particular disabled bodies more attractive and sexually appealing than most “able” bodies. But physical attraction is only a starting point. In order for a relationship to move forward, there must be attraction on other levels and compatibility on an interpersonal level, and there must always be mutual respect. I wanted to put this perspective out there for people who, like GIMP, are wary of devotees. In any “group,” there will be people who are perverted and disrespectful. But when a devotee acts up, it contributes negatively to an already misunderstood attraction.

Good Dev In Canada

 

A programming note: People typically write to me when someone has done them wrong or when they’ve done someone wrong. When the bad actor in a particular situation is someone like a devotee—the kind of person who is unlikely to be out to friends and family members about their deeply stigmatized sexual identity and/or interest—my readers can’t weigh what they’re learning about this one particular devotee against what they know about the other devotees they know and love … because the other devotees they know and love aren’t out to them about being devotees. It’s something to bear in mind, gentle readers, when someone with a rare or deeply stigmatized sexual interest makes an appearance in the column. Remember: GIMP’s girlfriend doesn’t represent all devotees any more than TIWDIW’s husband represents all straight men.

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COMMENTS

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1. Malice Subway said... on Jul 21, 2012 at 09:49AM

“I love your column and just wanted to add that Oil of Mint is better for TIWDIW, for both the element of surprise as well as fresh breath! It's amazingly powerful and for anyone a bit kinky, has a pleasure/pain they may well enjoy.

I agree with you as usual Dan; the man sounds like a tosser. But, I'd love to give TIWDIW some helpful hints (if she would like) about deepthroating. I used to have a severe gag reflex, which I have overcome to the delight of my partner(s). So, if you would like to forward her my email, feel free. If not, let's hope she gives him a hot/minty send off!”

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2. saint J said... on Jul 25, 2012 at 11:45AM

“My response would be for TIWDIW, first off congradz on 8 years of marrage. But i really do not understand your husbands logic. I'm a male that has not been as fortunate in the oral department, most women just didn't like giving head from the ones that I have dated. And it makes me so angry and sad for the ladies that adore giving oral love and the guys that they are with take it for granted. If her decision to make it better was to stop giving him head all together I'm sure he have a fit. My suggestion to her husband would be simple shut up and enjoy it.”

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3. von wallenstein said... on Jul 25, 2012 at 12:35PM

“TIWDIW: if i guy is busting a nut in your mouth, by definition he's received a great blow job. he should be thanking his lucky stars his wife loves sucking dick”

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