Editor's note: Who wants to watch the Republican National Convention after that? Not us. Luckily, Jacob Lambert -- the creator of The Philadelphia Turkey and author of PW's recent Craig LaBan noir mystery -- is doing the watching for us. He'll be posting throughout the week, so check back. Part One can be found here. Part Two is here. Part Three is here. Today: The conclusion.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, people. It's finally over.
The Republican National Convention its way to a merciful end last night, with Vietnam maverick-champion bravery-man John McCain formally accepting his Bush-stained party's presidential nomination. Thanks to Tom Ridge, Cindy McCain, and the poignancy of black & white video, there was the usual cornucopia of crap-slinging, fib-tossing, and cornpone brand-building. But on a night designed to stir excitement for John Sidney McCain, there was a decidedly rote feel throughout. This was a marked contrast from Wednesday, when Sarah Palin stoked the Cowper's glands of a red-state mob hungry for, apparently, someone other than John McCain to ululate towards.
This was evident as McCain meandered through his hour-long lecture which was as compelling as a sun-caked pigeon turd, and not nearly as thrilling. He read from the same hackneyed script as the previous days' self-serious fakes -- dutifully lying about Obama's tax plan, patting "America" on the head like an idiot child, and -- as he once swore he'd never do -- treat his Hanoi imprisonment like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. He seemed unconvinced by his own shtick, and so did the flock, cheering when they had to and metronomically grunting "U.S.A" to keep the blood flowing. Perhaps this is because today's conservatives can stay politically engaged only when their buttons are being mashed like a Coulter-powered game of Simon. It's why the trash-talking Palin scored a direct hit on Wednesday, and why McCain, unwilling to sweep the leg, failed to finish the deal last night. Perhaps this will raise a question sure to trouble the mouth-breathing GOP faithful: will Sarah Palin's vice-presidential candidacy be derailed by an unsuitable running mate?
For the sake of the next four years, let's fucking hope so.