Gay Married Men Find Support in Secret

By Randy LoBasso
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 34 | Posted Jun. 8, 2011

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“It’s hard to live ‘gay pride’ when you know you have been shamefully hiding your gayness for so many years,” says 40-something-year old Kevin as he heads down Third Street in Old City on a recent hot, muggy day. Kevin is the creator of the M5 Group, a club for closeted gay men in marriages with women looking to meet other gay married men. “It’s a very normal group of guys,” Kevin says, “Lots of white-collar professionals, mostly. Doctors, lawyers, accountants, computer programmers. The only thing that makes it unique is that we’re all married and we’re all bisexual or gay.”

According to the group’s online description, it’s a forum to “meet and make friends in a safe and sane environment and avoid the dangers of anonymous sex. Develop ongoing friendships with like-minded guys. This group is only for discreet men who are currently married or who have been previously married. This is not a sex club and is not for finding quick, anonymous hook-ups.”

Kevin, who won’t confirm whether that’s his real name and doesn’t feel comfortable providing a last name, sports a large frame, large face, glasses and combs his straight, brown hair to the side. He looks every bit the dad that he is. About five years ago, Kevin came clean with himself. In spite of everything, his homosexual urges weren’t going away. They were becoming stronger. Having already started a family, he felt alone and didn’t think he could trust anyone with his secret. He’d scour the Internet looking for anonymous hook-ups on occasion, but needed something more—at the very least someone to talk to.

That’s when he came across the Gay and Married Men’s Association (GAMMA) of Philadelphia, a support group of closeted married men with the goal of assisting “each gay or bisexual man in finding his own best road to travel in life.” After just one meeting, Kevin decided GAMMA wasn’t for him. “A few of the guys there were in the process of a divorce and much of the conversation was directed at celebrating their movement toward divorce,” he says, noting that divorce was not his goal. “Overall, the group just seemed to identify as a group of gay guys far more than they identified as married men. The meeting even started and ended with everyone kissing and hugging each other—not at all what I expected … that one experience made me uncomfortable and I never went back.”

Kevin was more interested in a support group that let guys be who they are outside the group. He combed the Internet for such a club and couldn’t find one, so he started his own with a new email address and pseudonym, posted to meetup.com. Within the first week he received 50 messages. He set up the first meeting at a bar in Conshohocken. That night, he told his wife he had to work late and headed off to meet the guys. Four other men showed up for what Kevin describes as an evening of “pretty normal guy talk. You know, ‘What kind of work do you do for a living?’ ‘Do you have kids?’ Just a lot of general chatter.” While he describes the first few minutes as nothing short of awkward, eventually, Kevin says, “the conversation got into how long this had been an issue for you, how long have you had these feelings, had this always been something at play before we were married, did they have this interest and why they still felt they needed to get married and start a family.”

Since that first meeting four years ago, membership has swelled to 80. Kevin even opened up the group to recently divorced, widowed and separated gay men. Other members of the group declined to comment for this article; most cited privacy issues, but others said they’d have to fabricate so much of their stories in order to conceal their identities that it didn’t make sense. One man, in a statement of unintentional irony, said he’d be betraying his wife if he spoke anonymously to the media before telling her his secret.

The men meet up a couple times a month for a happy hour and other random outings like bike rides, runs, bowling, whatever. A few members have been training together for a 5K run. They even started self-help sessions for those struggling with their situation and not necessarily wanting to socialize. Kevin says a third of the membership is consistent, and rely on the group to keep their heads screwed on straight. He says he’d probably pat himself on the back for helping so many other married guys cope with their secret lives if the group hadn’t saved his own life, too.

Kevin’s always struggled with his sexuality, and says the time he was coming of age–the ’80s—was especially difficult because he grew up when the “gay disease” began rearing its ugly head. “In the ’80s, being gay was intrinsically linked with getting HIV and dying of AIDS,” he says. “It was everywhere; in the media, everything linked being gay to dying of AIDS.” He decided to bottle his feelings. “It was easier to keep it all compartmentalized and feel like this was one little part of my personality that wasn’t connected to the rest of me,” he says. “I would act out on it and feel as if I was done with it, for a few months, then I would act out on it again. But each time, once it was over, it was over.”

He went off to college at LaSalle. After graduating, he got a job in the area and got married. In the early 2000s, he and his wife began having children; they bought a house. For the next decade or so, Kevin lived what resembled a normal life. But his urges to be with other men began getting harder to control in his 30s. “As I got older, I realized this part of myself wasn’t going away,” he says. “No matter what I did, no matter what I had with my wife, my family, the other side kept demanding attention.”

Kevin began acting in secret. He found others looking for discreet liaisons on the Internet. Still, there was something missing. “In my situation, you can’t just go out and meet other guys, especially if they’ve been gay their whole life,” he says. “They don’t know what it’s like ... In spite of what you’re doing, you’re still a father; you’re still raising kids. I’m not some young guy who just came out. I still love my wife. Another gay guy might not get that.”

In 2006, he was reading the newspaper and recognized someone he once knew, “Ted,” a high school acquaintance. It was an obituary. Kevin says a mutual friend told him that Ted killed himself after he was caught with another man; his wife found out, filed for divorce and outed him to all their friends and family. “That’s when it hit me,” Kevin says. “I thought, ‘That could be me.’ You hear about situations like this every once in a while. You see people like Senator Larry Craig or Congressman Mark Foley just doing incredibly dumb things and you think, ‘That’s what happens when you mess around in these areas.’ Extremely embarrassing things can happen.”

Kevin also learned that there are plenty of others like him out there. University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann estimates that between 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women have been married to someone who’d had sex with another man. The question for Kevin became: How do you find those men? “There’ve been secret clubs throughout history,” he says. “I mean, look at Ben Franklin and all the secret affiliations he formed here. I figured why can’t we have something like that, where we meet on legitimate terms, we hang out and form friendships.” That’s when he posted the ad on meetup.com and discovered that there were plenty of men in similar situations that were looking for the same thing.

Of course, there was still the duplicity of being married. But, “what’s the alternative?” Kevin asks rhetorically. “If the alternative is, you can turn it off, you don’t have those desires anymore, sure, that’s a better alternative. But for most guys that’s not going to happen. The alternative to this can be something far worse.”

But sometimes the alternative is all guys know. Kevin says the group still gets new members who attend meetings assuming the “friendship” vibe of the Internet ad is a lure, hoping they’ll head up to a hotel room shortly after meeting the wider cluster. Others are scared to death of possibly walking into a meeting and spotting someone they know, even though that’s never happened. Still, others are so used to acting in secret, he says, they can’t handle the idea of sharing their feelings and drop out soon after. “Some guys out there don’t want to get to know too much about another person because then you have to tell them about yourself, and that’s the trap that guys fall into,” he says, “where you just feel like you have to keep it all quick and anonymous and that’s not what [M5 is] all about.”

Kevin says M5 members tend to forge lifelong friendships and long-term relationships that include what’s called closed-loop relationships, which is a relationship between two married men. In the most pure definition of this, both of their wives know about and accept the situation. Some have started out by introducing the friends they’ve met in the group to their wives, though not explaining the full extent of their relationship. “I’ve met a friend’s wife,” Kevin says. “You end up meeting guys in the group and maybe forming a relationship with somebody and then as time goes on, what does become important for a lot of guys is, they want to stop lying all the time at home … They want to be able to say I’m going out with a friend … so they’re trying to find a way to introduce this friend into the life that their wife knows about. Not the full nature of their relationship … so, how do you introduce these people into your life? You say I joined a ski club or an investment club or something like that.”

His own situation with his wife didn’t adhere to the group, unfortunately. Two years ago, his wife found out about a circumstance unrelated to M5 and approached him about it. They eventually separated, but remain friends. “I felt I was at a point in my life where I had to stop lying,” he says. “Every marriage is different. And for a while my wife and I thought there were lots of reasons to continue staying together, like our kids. But she eventually decided she couldn’t do it and I respect her for that.”

He’s now out to his family and friends, but chooses to remain publicly embedded in the gray area between gay and straight. “Perhaps the way I have lived for the past 20 years prevents me from donning the rainbow flag,” he says. “I feel I still identify better with married closeted guys.”

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 34 of 34
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1. Anonymous said... on Jun 9, 2011 at 02:00PM

“The closet is a very lonely place to live. I can see how a group like this would catch on.”

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2. Anonymous said... on Jun 27, 2011 at 02:06PM

“There are of course other similar groups around the country, and even one covering all of North America (and beyond). Regardless of how alone it can feel, there are lots of us out there.”

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3. Anonymous said... on Jul 5, 2011 at 09:29PM

“I find this article very interesting as i have lived in the same situation all my life. However, I do not know where this group meets or if there are groups like this in all majoor cities. I would like more information about this group. Thanks”

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4. Anonymous said... on Jul 9, 2011 at 11:16AM

“I have also lived much of my life in the closet. I am married to a beautiful woman whom I love dearly and we have 3 kids that I would not take anything in this world for. However, living a lie and a double life is not healthy and the thought of me finally telling her seems more realistic each and every day. But how do I break the news after 20 years of marriage that she has a gay husband and our kids a gay father. We both love each other but we are not in love as we do not sleep in the same bed and have no had sex in years. Men who have never married and are gay think its easy to just say I am gay and move on. But they do not understand.

I have thought of forming a support group such as this in the city where I live but like most closeted discreet men, you have that fear of someone finding out. How do you set it up secretly and also have guys to come to a support group meeting without the fear that they will be "outed". Can anyone help?”

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5. Teresa Redmond Williams said... on Sep 12, 2011 at 06:33AM

“I married a gay men it was a bad experience. He abused me and controlled me .
I knew he was gay and now i'm dating and happy with my life,he is not happy with my new relationship

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6. Anonymous said... on Oct 26, 2011 at 10:49AM

“I'm a gay man married to a woman with a family as well. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You would think there are lots of groups that cater to guys like me but I found them to be more focused on gay single men. If there is any group out there in SF that relates more to married men in hetero marriages looking for friendship, socializing and general connection, please let me know. My email address is sutterman11@gmail.com. Thx”

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7. Anonymous said... on Nov 7, 2011 at 08:38PM

“Yes I find your article very comforting. I am a closeted discreet divorced man with children who wishes to meet like minded men to share, support, & comfort one another in life's challenges for long term friendships. I would like more information on the group, the meeting location and further discussion.”

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8. Anonymous said... on Nov 15, 2011 at 10:29PM

“I'm glad there's more support for closeted married gay men. Back in 1995 I stepped out of the closet after being married for 10 years. It was terribly scary but I knew I couldn't live one more day in the lies and deceit that had become all too much of my life.

Luckily we hadn't had kids yet and while my wife was devastated when I finally shared my truth, she eventually healed and remarried.

After coming out I really felt alone but I kept healing and dealing. In 1997 I met a wonderful guy and we've been together ever since. We got married, adopted a baby girl and now have three kids.

Steve Jobs said it best: "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And, most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become..."”

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9. Anonymous said... on Dec 30, 2011 at 08:16AM

“Yes I wish I could fine a group like that I think I am loseing my mine some times.I have ben married for 27ys. Five kids. Live in northen va. Love my wife and kids and won't to stay married but that part of me that longs for a male is calling out louder and louder oh I so wish for a group like this.”

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10. Anonymous said... on Jan 3, 2012 at 06:32PM

“I am so with everyone else I have been married for 21 years and have 2 awesome boys. We sleep together but have not had sex in almost 2 years. We are only 46 years young. I am horrified about coming out more worried about my boys than anyone else. I have a great gay friend who just keeps telling me to wait till they are 18 then they adults they are 17 & 15 but it's so hard he has never been married. He is 34 and his partner is 47 and very upset that we talk. So a group in souther new Hampshire would be great !”

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11. Anonymous said... on Jan 6, 2012 at 09:00PM

“Oh... I so relate to all of this. I have been married for 35 years and knew I had these feelings when I married. Thought I could compartmentalize that aspect of myself. Had acted on my feelings off and on over the years. Always anonymous physical encounters. They satisfied my immediate urges but left me feeling empty and unhappy. I just recently met a guy (divorced). First time in my life I have had an actual relationship. We spent a night in a hotel room. The most wonderful night of my life. I feel so complete with him. Now am struggling with the idea of telling my wife about who I really am... Life is so short. I feel I owe it to her for both her and my sake. We have two adult children who would take the news in stride. Just worried for my wife. Who knew life could be so complicated. Lonely in Columbus, Ohio.”

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12. Anonymous said... on Jan 6, 2012 at 09:00PM

“Oh... I so relate to all of this. I have been married for 35 years and knew I had these feelings when I married. Thought I could compartmentalize that aspect of myself. Had acted on my feelings off and on over the years. Always anonymous physical encounters. They satisfied my immediate urges but left me feeling empty and unhappy. I just recently met a guy (divorced). First time in my life I have had an actual relationship. We spent a night in a hotel room. The most wonderful night of my life. I feel so complete with him. Now am struggling with the idea of telling my wife about who I really am... Life is so short. I feel I owe it to her for both her and my sake. We have two adult children who would take the news in stride. Just worried for my wife. Who knew life could be so complicated. Lonely in Columbus, Ohio.”

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13. Anonymous said... on Jan 6, 2012 at 09:00PM

“Oh... I so relate to all of this. I have been married for 35 years and knew I had these feelings when I married. Thought I could compartmentalize that aspect of myself. Had acted on my feelings off and on over the years. Always anonymous physical encounters. They satisfied my immediate urges but left me feeling empty and unhappy. I just recently met a guy (divorced). First time in my life I have had an actual relationship. We spent a night in a hotel room. The most wonderful night of my life. I feel so complete with him. Now am struggling with the idea of telling my wife about who I really am... Life is so short. I feel I owe it to her for both her and my sake. We have two adult children who would take the news in stride. Just worried for my wife. Who knew life could be so complicated. Lonely in Columbus, Ohio.”

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14. Anonymous said... on Jan 6, 2012 at 09:02PM

“Oh... I so relate to all of this. I have been married for 35 years and knew I had these feelings when I married. Thought I could compartmentalize that aspect of myself. Had acted on my feelings off and on over the years. Always anonymous physical encounters. They satisfied my immediate urges but left me feeling empty and unhappy. I just recently met a guy (divorced). First time in my life I have had an actual relationship. We spent a night in a hotel room. The most wonderful night of my life. I feel so complete with him. Now am struggling with the idea of telling my wife about who I really am... Life is so short. I feel I owe it to her for both her and my sake. We have two adult children who would take the news in stride. Just worried for my wife. Who knew life could be so complicated. Lonely in Columbus, Ohio.”

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15. Anonymous said... on Jan 6, 2012 at 09:02PM

“Oh... I so relate to all of this. I have been married for 35 years and knew I had these feelings when I married. Thought I could compartmentalize that aspect of myself. Had acted on my feelings off and on over the years. Always anonymous physical encounters. They satisfied my immediate urges but left me feeling empty and unhappy. I just recently met a guy (divorced). First time in my life I have had an actual relationship. We spent a night in a hotel room. The most wonderful night of my life. I feel so complete with him. Now am struggling with the idea of telling my wife about who I really am... Life is so short. I feel I owe it to her for both her and my sake. We have two adult children who would take the news in stride. Just worried for my wife. Who knew life could be so complicated. Lonely in Columbus, Ohio.”

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16. Anonymous said... on Jan 10, 2012 at 04:07PM

“Married for 21 years with 3 sons -- all teenagers. About 8 years ago I came out and told my wife about my bisexuality. Initially it upset her, then I honestly can say that it made our relationship stronger. Still married. It's all about communication.

Yes, I still sneak a moment with men on occasions either cruising or craigslist ad without telling her. It's how I maintain balance in my life. I love her and my boys. The men I've met don't seem to be interested in LTR, just sex.

I do feel that a support group would be helpful, but I've been dealing with this for 30 years just fine. Why now? I quess I would need to experience such a group before I gave my final opinion.”

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17. Anonymous said... on Jan 14, 2012 at 03:45PM

“I can relate to this as i find myself in the same situation. Would be very interested in locationg and joining a similar group here in long beach so calif. Any direction to asupport group in my area would be appreciated.

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18. caring daddy said... on Jan 14, 2012 at 09:43PM

“”

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19. no name (yet) said... on Feb 2, 2012 at 01:13AM

“Can definitely relate. I'm not ashamed of my "feelings", but don't believe I fit into "that" world either (no prejudice intended). I'm a big guy, people stop me on the street and ask if I'm a bouncer at a bar, firefighter, Military guy (which I have some background I won't share here), which is all cool, as I'm all those things for the most part.

I'm also something else (no, not something else, someone else - or the same person, but not the stereotype they are seeing. I'm that, but more too.

Don't know what else to say here. I just scrolled up and saw this post came from about 6 months back, so not sure this group still exists.

I do want to say, I'm no dummy. I'm not interested in joining a group for a fix up or whatever. I've learned enough to know where to cop a 5 - 10 minute blow job a few times a year. There's more to it, emotionally, intellectually.

So, where do I go from here to join this group?”

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20. Anonymous said... on Mar 1, 2012 at 01:29AM

“Same, same, same. Searching for friends, not quick blow n go's-
New haven area of ct, anyone know of support groups..scared to death, but tired of being alone”

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21. Anonymous said... on Mar 13, 2012 at 12:14PM

“anybody know a similar group near boston?”

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22. Anonymous said... on Mar 20, 2012 at 03:00PM

“The group mentioned in this article is still around and going even stronger since this article was published. It can be found on meetup dot com. Just search for the M5 Group. You have to be in the Philadelphia area to join this group. I imagine anyone can start a similar group in their area using the meetup site.”

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23. Anonymous said... on Mar 22, 2012 at 10:40AM

“i am on my 3rd marriage first 19years 3 children second 4 years and now 2 years with step daughter of 11, i love my latest wife very much and thought this would change my feeling but after 2 years i have started having sex with guys afterwards I fill suicidal and very very depressed, but what can I do, my latest wife who I love has had very hard life to and I could not amagine being without her truly but my dark cravings always come back until I satisfy them, I need help so much i hate myself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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24. Anonymous said... on Apr 18, 2012 at 07:37AM

“I have been married for 30 years, with two children a bowy and a girl, love my wife as a friend.. no sex for the last 15 yrs.. I will never tell her I am gay... I try to protect her , no matter how much I am hurt or shut.. this is my destiny deep in cocooned and not happy position, but my family is happy... you bet life is very very complicated, i just hope to stay healthy to provide.”

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25. Ed said... on May 25, 2012 at 05:38AM

“This group is an alternate the the nasty life if living ur life in the shady streets in Philly. Meeting up with the male prosititues and geeting into the sex and drug scene. I wish I knew about this group a decade ago. I just recently pulled myself out of the nastiness that comes with living a sceret life. It would be awesome to just meet cool man that have similar interest, are employe and have families. There is hope. I'd like to know more.”

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26. Anonymous said... on Jun 18, 2012 at 11:46PM

“Just had to put my two cents in as a exwife of a closeted gay man for 22 years...all these guys say the same thing, my wife and I love each other, blah, blah...SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU, SO SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, SHE LOVES THE PERSON YOUR "PRETENDING" TO BE.

Tell her who you really are(a con man) and see if her feelings don't change.
What you feel about each other is not real, so don't hide behind it.”

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27. A Virginian said... on Jul 21, 2012 at 11:51PM

“What I did read of the comments I just want to say I commend all of you for standing out of dark and letting other married men there are others with the same fears and concerns.
Thank you again : and if theres a group in Richmond va. I sure would like to know where and when .”

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28. Anonymous said... on Sep 2, 2012 at 06:45PM

“I am single and I think I want to be married, but each woman I find to go out with I feel like I need to share that side of me but just can't get myself to do it, it is a trust thing(I do have the gay feeling but have not acted on it for over 5 years). I know one thing I will not die because of lonilness. I keep myself busy and I do have a friend that knows me and love me for who I am (male) and we do not have sex. If you are not willing to share just know that it is a personel war that will not destroy you it just feels that way, and that too will past, I have my seasons.................”

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29. Mike said... on Oct 16, 2012 at 04:20PM

“I am married, 61, I told my wife a while ago that I was gay and not bisexual, it all started for me when a I was a young boy and this urge to have sex with guys stayed with me over the years. Even when I was in the military I liked having sex with guys more then woman. However I also liked the company of woman and because of this I became very confused about my sexuality, as to am I gay or bisexual or what. I have been married now for 30 years, no children, I still like having sex with men. I know my wife doesn't care for much about what I told her, she did tell me she senced somthing. We do not want to get a divorce so we we just go on with our lives. I still don't understand my feelings torwards sex with men and about my gay feelings.”

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30. Anonymous said... on Dec 26, 2012 at 02:29AM

“I found out about a year ago that my husband of almost 27 years had been having sex with men through Craigslist for (he says) four years. He's been with between 150 and 200 partners. Some were one shots, some were longer relationships, he even had a boyfriend for all of 2011. And he had sex with me too. Unprotected sex. I do not feel any sympathy for any of you. You do not need wives, and you do not need marriage or a woman to have children. This is not the 18th century. You are cowards who want to have your cake and eat it too. Lying is abuse. It is no different than beating your wife. Every human being has a basic right to the truth. Infidelity is about control and you are all controlling your spouses. Unless she knows and agrees to these parameters you are not in an equal relationship. I am ashamed that in this day and age men in this country still think they are entitled to treat women this way. Go to Africa and live where this behavior is still acceptable.”

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31. Anonymous said... on Oct 20, 2013 at 03:27PM

“The central credo of both Kevin and his M5 seems to be that conflicted feelings about one's homosexual urges justify serial spousal betrayal. Degrees of cowardice are all that separate Kevin's/M5's self-serving, closeted lying/cheating from that of hetero louts who cheat serially but stay married to retain the personal and social benefits of 'mainstream' family life. Kevin, you live in a country where teenagers in tiny, Bible Belt towns have endured death threats to take same-sex dates to the high school prom; where a political movement that secured civil rights for Black folk nationwide began when a quiet secretary risked lynching by refusing to give up her bus seat, and dozens of maids, school kids, and day laborers followed her lead. Kevin, if you want to live your truth, resolve not to oppress others in order to do so, then speak your truth to your wife and encourage other M5ers to do the same. Show courage; give your wife some respect; and effect lasting social change.”

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32. Anonymous said... on Nov 19, 2013 at 02:25PM

“I was just as guilty of all of these men but I stopped lying and told the truth and I have been picking up the pieces ever since. Someone wrote we don't love our wives cause we don't know each other fully as we keep these secrets, or the true self was not revealed so how could they love men like us as they don't know us...Your sexuality is not ALL of you, agree when you wind up in the web of deceit it is all the mans doing and becomes a layer of pain for the man which eventually bleeds into the marriage as the man acts out,,,then for most it erodes as the duplicity can drive you insane, and it must be let out..I am not looking for sympathy I should have spoke up once I knew this was something that I could not put away, instead I acted on it and through the guilt that ensued I went to a therapist who gave me the tools to reveal this side of me to my wife M5 should be a stepping stone to come out and admit these feeling to our wives. be real guys”

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33. Anonymous said... on Dec 19, 2013 at 01:26PM

“To #30 and #31, there is no doubt that M5 may support men who are betraying their wives. Keep in mind though that these men are probably already doing this before they even join M5. But the group offers many men a first time opportunity to explore what they are really feeling rather than hiding their feelings under a quick hook up. I agree that there are many out there who have had to stand up for who they are and sustained considerable consequences for doing that. Consider where does anyone find that level of bravery, put yourself in these men's shoes, and know that doing the right thing isn't always instinctive but requires some internal honesty first. These men have put themselves in situations that they literally don't know what to do with. Don't overstate how accepting the world is today about someone being gay. There are still so many factors that force people to want to hide it, especially when they have a family to support.”

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34. Anonymous said... on Jan 15, 2014 at 03:59PM

“Does anyone know of a GAMMA Group in the Houston area?”

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