Smerconish’s Ass Gets Own Show

By Jacob Lambert
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted May. 26, 2009

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Smerconish's ass joins respected colleagues from across the conservative radio spectrum.

Representatives of 1210-AM “The Big Talker” were yesterday thrilled to introduce the newest member of their right-leaning lineup: the buttocks of Michael Smerconish, whose recent star turn in Philadelphia magazine has rocketed the ass to widespread local prominence. “By adding these buttocks to a team that already includes Rush Limbaugh, Dom Giordano, and the rest of Mr. Smerconish himself, we’re offering listeners a wide range of conservative opinion,” said station manager Tom Yates, introducing the naked, pockmarked rump at a midday news conference. “And whether it’s long, sustained farts or a run of silent-but-deadlies, this keister will have plenty to say.”

Area media watchers were unsurprised by the hiring of the fleshy shitter, which will replace Sid Mark’s Frank Sinatra show on Friday evenings. “After all the attention that the [Philadelphia] photograph’s been getting, it was obvious that the butt was ready for a bigger stage,” said the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Michael Klein. “And with Limbaugh, [Glenn] Beck, and [Sean] Hannity, 1210 already has plenty of assholes.” According to Radio Reporter’s Nancy-Ellen French, “I think that Smerconish’s bum will have no shortage of material to work with—especially depending on what [Smerconish] has for dinner the night before.”

The butt, for its part, seemed confident in its ability to offer trenchant political insight and worthwhile social commentary. “Pthhhhhhbthhbbbbb,” it said from its new office, a noxious odor rising from its tightly-puckered mouth. After a brief pause, it added, “Grhh-ppptt! Pthhhhhhhhhhhhhbb,” as a small chunk of fecal matter dropped to the floor. Smerconish, for one, seemed likely to agree. “People might think I’m stretching myself a bit thin, what with my book, my column, my show, and now, my ass’s show,” he said, giving the malodorous new host an affectionate smack on the cheek. “But it was practically made to entertain. And you should hear its opinions on terrorism.”

Every week, Jacob Lambert gives PW readers a preview of an upcoming story in The Philadelphia Turkey, the city's best source for satire.

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