'I promise this won't change anything for me in Washington.'
Two weeks after his surprise defection to the Democratic party, Sen. Arlen Specter yesterday made an even more shocking announcement: that, following a secret weekend procedure, he had become a woman. “After much reflection, I felt that this was more in line with who I really was,” said the newly-christened Arlene Specter, brushing a lock of stringy blond hair from her weathered face. “But I promise that this won’t change anything for me in Washington—aside from maybe finally telling Mitch McConnell [R-KY] about my crush.”
The 78-year-old’s second major switch in less than a month left area political watchers reeling. “Not only is she now a Democrat, but she’s also bringing another female voice into the debate,” said the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Dick Polman. “Unfortunately, that voice is oddly strained and high-pitched—like something from an old Monty Python sketch.” According to the Philadelphia Daily News’ Will Bunch, “With her courage and boldness, Arlene Specter could become the new face of the Democratic Party,” he said. “I don’t think it matters that she’s the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
Republican Pat Toomey, who will likely face Specter in next year’s Senate election, found the gender-change appalling. “It’s bad enough that he abandoned his own party—but his own sex?” he gasped. “In 2010, voters will have to ask themselves: can we really trust this… um… this person?” To Specter, such talk was beside the point. “I think what people need to be concerned with are the issues, not my tender, potato-sized breasts,” she said, batting her eyelashes coquettishly. “And if [Toomey] really does care about the issues, I’d be more than willing to debate him on them. Perhaps over appletinis at my place.”
Every week, Jacob Lambert gives PW readers a preview of an upcoming story in The Philadelphia Turkey, the city's best source for satire.
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