The Battle Over Xmas

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 6 | Posted Feb. 27, 2009

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Mikronesia and Pandar are becoming local music moguls.

WHACK! MASH! SPLATTER! What's that sound? That's the noise made by the badgers of secular humanism who've snuck into the nativity scene and are battering the poor baby Jesus with the brickbats of skepticism and atheism as part of their evil war on Christmas.

But hark! What thunderous trumpeting is that? It's Rush Limbaugh and his fellow batshit insane white Christian jihadi culture warriors riding to the defence of poor baby Jesus on holy donkeys. Soon the two sides are locked in mortal combat. Anne Coulter is bashing Christopher Hitchens upside his arrogant atheist limey head with an increasingly bloody baby lamb but Hitch is too tipsy to feel anything and is just sneering at her in that oh-so-irritatingly condescending upper class English way of his. A snorting, puffed-up, screaming Bill O'Reilly is meanwhile trying out his karate chops on Richard Dawkins but the Dawk deflects them easily with his left hand while typing yet another great book about why the weird Christian god "God" is an absolute rotter with his right. Bloke's a genius.

In one corner of the stable there's a godbotherer on a soapbox roaring--as godbotherers have been for every yuletide for the last 2,000 years--that the alleged birth of the alleged son of a totally fucking mental Bronze-Age Nazi desert god is "the reason for the season". And there's me on a soapbox in the other corner, roaring--as I have in these pages for the past four years--that, bollocks, no, the Christers not only stole the entire Christ story from pagan religions, they also stole paganism's great winter festival and that's why we've gotta get the Christ outa Christmas and reclaim it for debauchery, licentiousness, gluttony and FUN. (While still calling it Christmas, of course. To hell with worrying about the sensibilities of other, equally demented religious freaks.)

The audience for this great-annual Xmas battle between the atheist sane and the god'scocksucking insane are, as usual, too busy having a great time--feasting, boozing, shopping like zombie maniacs on speed and loving each other and giving and getting presents and generally having a great totally-off-their-fat-gravy-smeared-faces-on-vodka-beer-gin-and-fucking-egg-nog time to really give a shit about all this who-owns-Xmas palaver.

Except the hipsters, of course. For while the hipsters are also "enjoying" Christmas, they are doing so ironically.

And definitely not enjoying Christmas are the poor kids of non-Christian religious parents who stupidly think that Christmas is a Christian festival (it's not) and so deprive their kids of participation in humanity's greatest childhood rites-of-passage.

And the Goths.

The Goths are all up in the attic writing blogs about how much they hate, hate, hate Christmas. And how it makes them unhappy. Which--being caught in the strange sado-masochistic, self-loathing, mobius loop of reverse-engineered schadenfreude--makes them happy. Which makes them sad. Which makes them happy. And so forth.

Meanwhile--back in the metaphorical nativity scene--no one has yet noticed that the baby Jesus has been stolen from the crib by these self-same Goths--just part of the now annual mass kidnapping of baby Jesi by Goths that has become so much a part our national Yule celebrations. God but I love Christmas in America.

In every other advanced industrial society on the planet everybody except a few nutters stopped believing in all that silly God bollocks decades ago. Oh for sure there's always a few freaks that crawl out from under their stones bleating about "the true meaning of Christmas" every year. But no one takes them seriously.

In the U.S., however, the lunatic fringe is a massive lunatic mob. There's literally millions upon millions of the thick bastards. It's like a real life zombie movie. They cannot be ignored. Plus they've got guns. And their very own extremely powerful political party. Which is why here the battle over Xmas--far from being the mildly diverting sideshow it is in Europe-- is passionate, hard-fought and very, very real.

On one side are the born-again Christian imbeciles who think that holocaust victim Anne Frank is burning in agonized torment in Hell (because, as a Jew, she never accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior) while sausage-dog thrashing crackpot homophobe James Dobson, founder of the anti-enlightenment right-wing hate group Focus in the Family, will spend all of eternity eating cake and being vigorously fellated by 44 virgins in heaven, despite the fact that he's a total fucking little-dog abusing flaming asshole.

These demented swine are herded by the foaming attack dogs of Talk Radio--rabid pariahs who, when they look at the set-in-1960 TV show Mad Men (with its sexism, suits, smoking, segregation and subservient women) actually sigh with nostalgia.

European atheists have got it easy. Euro-atheists are not so much pushing at an open door as a door that has rotted on its rusting hinges and is in the verge of falling off completely.

In the U.S. however, there's at least 50 million self-lobotomized maniacs pushing back.

And that's why I say forget Charlie Brown Christmas, forget A Colbert Christmas. The greatest Xmas show ever is the sight of Americans engaging in their now traditional ding-dong battle over the soul of the season. If you've ever wondered who'd win in a fight between 50 million total fucking idiots and a couple of hundred free-thinkers, the answer is it's a draw, every year. And long may it continue to be so, Happy Christ-free Christmas, readers! Happy Christ-free Christmas! HO HO HO!

(And no, that Yule log burning on my open fire isn't the baby Jesus. It's a log carved into the shape of the baby Jesus, provided by my Goth neighbor. Exodus 20:2-17: "You shall not make for yourself a graven image ...).

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Comments 1 - 6 of 6
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1. Steven Wells is God said... on Dec 23, 2008 at 09:06AM

“The best Christmas post ever! I am quite impressed!”

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2. The Brian McManus said... on Dec 23, 2008 at 12:41PM

“Speaking of Britain: Mamma Mia just became that country's highest grossing film ever. The mind boggles.”

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3. the Steven Wells said... on Dec 23, 2008 at 09:38PM

“That would be because Mama Mia is the best film ever. What is your problem, McManus?”

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4. The Guardian Sucks said... on Dec 24, 2008 at 12:26PM

“This is how the highly evolved island of Great Shittin celebrates Christmas. By finally getting around to prosecuting 2 world-class pedophiles, one of whom had been grooming children for 40 years. So you can see, we have much to learn from our godless "cousins."”

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5. the Steven Wells said... on Dec 24, 2008 at 12:37PM

“Merry Xmas, Sean! Ho ho ho!”

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6. M. said... on Dec 26, 2008 at 12:55PM



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