A few months ago, tired of waiting for professional sports' thousands of homosexuals to come tumbling out of the closet, I issued a challenge. I stated that from now on, in order to relieve the pressure on closeted gay players, we the media would automatically assume that all pro-players are gay -- unless they clearly and unequivocally come out as heterosexual.
Well guess what? In the intervening eight months not one single member of Philadelphia's major league sporting franchises has come out as a breeder. Wow. Just wow. They say silence can speak volumes but this silence will thunder down the sporting ages.
By their refusal to define themselves as heterosexual, the Eagles, the Phillies and the Sixers have all effectively stood up and roared: "Hell yeah, we're gay, what of it?"
It warms the cockles of your heart. But it also begs the much bigger question: Is there really any such thing as an American male heterosexual?
We have a saying in England that the difference between a heterosexual and a homosexual is about two pints. And it's certainly true that on both sides of the Atlantic I have met tens of thousands of men who self-define as heterosexual, but probably not a single one who hasn't had some sort of sex with another man. Or wanted to.
The biggest homophobe I ever met--a chap who told me he was sick to the point of nausea after he heard me state that all males are essentially pansexual--shortly afterwards went on holiday to Bangkok. There he became enamoured of a beautiful woman. He took her back to his beach hut where he discovered (oh but of course) that the lady was a dude. So he flipped his lover over and had anal sex. And (this is the important bit) no way, apparently, did this make him gay.
Then there's my fave magazine cover ever. No Bull is a very heterosexual steroids'n'all hard-core bodybuilding magazine that, shortly after 9-11, ran a cover showing the magazine's bull-headed and incredibly well muscled mascot, Bully, anally raping Osama Bin Laden. But (just in case you assumed this cover was in any way gay) the text across the bottom read: "Not for sale to anybody under the age of 18 years, or anybody who thinks that if they give it they have to take it BACK."
Which is why I again ask: Is there really any such thing as an exclusively heterosexual male? And if there were, wouldn't he be the gayest creature ever?
Thanks to the widespread availability of allegedly heterosexual pornography on the Internet, we now know exactly what images the vast majority of allegedly heterosexual men like jacking off to. And guess what? There's nearly always a big stiff cock in the picture. Well blow me, what a shocker.
You could travel America for decades, scouring its deepest, darkest corners and I guarantee you'd find more unicorns than straight men.
Put supposedly straight American men in prison, what do they do? They have sex with each other. Put them in boarding schools? Ditto. Get them drunk? Same again. And when "straight" American men aren't actually mutually masturbating each other, they're watching American football, which (and I know this is stating the obvious) is the gayest human activity ever invented.
This was of course proved beyond a shadow of a doubt by the superbly named sports philosopher Dr. Brian Pronger whose seminal 1999 article Outta My Endzone: Sport and the Territorial Anus forever changed the way the rest of the world views American sports.
And it was confirmed by Penn State University's Thomas P. Oates whose 2007 study The Erotic Gaze in the NFL Draft ripped yet another flimsy gauze from the oiled and superbly muscled torso of male America's all-but-universal sporting homosexuality.
(See also "As Our Muscles Get Softer, Our Missile Race Becomes Harder": Cultural Citizenship and the "Muscle Gap" by Jeffrey Montez De Oca for how this self-loathing homophobia also explains US militarism and imperialism.)
Which is why the current debate about gay marriage in America is logically absurd. If we define "gay" the way most homophobes do--having sex or wanting to have sex with a member of the same gender-- then clearly the vast majority of adult American male gays are already married. To women.
It's a semantic mess. And the only way out of it is to expand my sports solution to the whole of America. So from now every single American male is officially gay (unless, of course, they officially come out as straight by registering as such on the comments section of this page).
My God. I might have just outed an entire superpower.