Save the Straights

There is only so much freedom. The more gays have, the less straights have.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 25 | Posted Apr. 19, 2009

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So far so good. But then the Frenchmen says: “Ah yes, but now they are letting gays marry, this means that your straight wedding vows are worthless, utterly devalued, not worth the paper they are written upon, mere trash!”

“My God!” says your wife, already feverishly tearing off her clothes. “You are right!!”

And within seconds she and the stranger have cleared the table and are rutting like beasts even as you sit there in total shock, the spoon of tomato soup still half way to your mouth.

And then you look around you to find that every table in the dining room is now fully occupied by a formerly happily married American woman shrieking in ecstasy as she is furiously rogered by one of the many thousands of bestially handsome and incredibly well hung European super-studs who have flooded into the U.S to take advantage of the inevitable breakdown of straight Christian marriage in the wake of far-left legislation extending the right to marry to same-sexers.

Is this really the future you want, America? If the answer is a firm, throbbing, heavily veined, purple headed, table pounding, wide nostrilled back-of-the throat roar of ‘No, Godammit!” then it’s time YOU got involved in saving America from a dictatorship of the licentious.

The following organizations almost certainly have chapters in your town or city. Look them up on the Internet and give them a phone TODAY!

Concerned Ordinary Citizens Citing Scripture and Utilizing Community Action (COCCSUCA)

Americans Seeking Solidarity Between All Normal Decent Indigenous True-believers (ASSBANDIT)

Friends Engaged in Loving Children Heterosexually (FELCH)

Together we can keep America straight. Amen.

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Comments 1 - 25 of 25
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1. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:11AM

“You go Steven! Tell those dumb Septic Tanks off! Yanks are all retarded innit. I'm having a chip butty today in your honour. Get it, butt-y? We English deliver the best humour and satire in the world. It's a fact. Just ask us!”

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2. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:31AM

“Hey Anonymous/Guardian Sucks/Sean,
Glad to see you're still around, still relentlessly hammering that one, flat note, even if you are sounding a little tired. So what you been up to? Did you go to the Fox News New York tea-bagging party?”

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3. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 10:45AM

“So is this for real or is it a joke? I honestly couldn't tell.”

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4. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 10:45AM

“So is this for real or is it a joke? I honestly couldn't tell.”

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5. Cyn DerBlock said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 11:13AM

“Well said, sir! Ever since Vermont and Iowa cemented their place in Hell, i've said "fuck my marriage vows" and thrown my hole around like a regular Johnny Vaginaseed. Thanks, homosexual agenda--next stop, Petting Zoo!”

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6. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 12:33PM

“I was with you until you started talking like they are an enemy. I am a firm believer that they have no reason to marry, but they are in no way an "opponent" to us straight people. They just want to believe that they have a voice.

I believe that the only reason people should get married is if they want to start a family. I believe that there should be a mother and a father in a child's life. If you do not wish to start a family, then why get married...because you want to profess your love in a spiritual and lawful way. WHY? What reason? Tax advantages? (More money from the government?)

People have argued with me about adoption. What if you can't get pregnant but you still want to get married. Adopt then. If you are a hetero couple who can't get pregnant, but you want a child(ren), that is the only reason I can see truly adopting a child and being married.

If you choose to adopt by being a surrogate mother for yourself(lesbian couple), find a surrogate mother(gay couple), or adopt(gay or lesbian couple), should you get married in my Let the child know at the right time, that he/she is adopted. If you're a gay or lesbian couple, it's going to be pretty obvious that the mother or father (depending) will most likely not be in the picture.

Why do they have to get married? I don't know. If it's just because they can't, then that is NO REASON.”

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7. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 01:09PM

“What is this? Homophobes Anonymous? Have the ovaries to use your name, for heaven's sake.”

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8. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 01:44PM

“Who's Guardian Sucks/Sean? I'm Alfie and I live in a council flat in Sidcup. I hate Septic Tanks with a passion. That's why I love your writing Steven. You put the fat stupid Yanks in their place. You are a hero back in England! Keep up the good work mate!”

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9. JB said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 02:49PM

“Comment #6:
I think gays want to get married for that very reason, to start a family of their own. And you have to admit that it's not like gay parents only raise gay children. Straight parents raise gay children and gay parents raise straight children, etc.
There also isn't any proof that the adopted child of a gay couple is in any way less well-adjusted or anything than any other child.”

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10. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:19PM

“Whatever happened to trying to hold on to your dignity? Are you serious with this shit? I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.”

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11. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 11:09PM

“"Are you serious with this shit?"
Oh. My. God. Are you asking if there really is a Christian organization called FELCH? Are you really that spectacularly stupid?”

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12. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 08:20AM

“Exactly! See, Steven, all Septic Tanks really are this stupid! They need British leaders and British talent show judges and British journalists to tell them how to tie their shoelaces. As you know everyone in Britain belongs to MENSA and is brilliant at satire, whereas all Yanks are thick as 2 short planks and should be sterilised. If you weren't in Philadelphia teaching them how to use thousands of compound hyphenated adjectives in a 1000-word column, I bet the whole city would collapse. They don't deserve someone as talented and subtle as you, good sir!”

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13. I'm SMRT! said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 09:19AM

“Wait, no. Is this real? Seriously?

I'm loving these comments and am thankful you haven't received some sort of proper education. Thank You all for the early morning chuckle at your stupidity.”

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14. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:45AM

“Anonymous/Sean/The Cranky Yank/Guardian Sucks/Alfie/Whatever,
You automatically, instinctively and unthinkingly assume, without any evidence whatsoever, that the "stupid" readers are American. That's one hell of an inferiority complex you've got there, bub.”

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15. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:55PM

“I don't know where you get this Sean/Cranky Whatever stuff; like I said I live in Sidcup and support Crystal. But I do know that the stupid readers are Yanks. Simple deduction. It's a Septic paper, read by Septics. Not only that, but they don't "get" your subtle and devastating British irony. Why? Because they're Yanks! Which automatically means we must subtract 30 points from their IQ. So you see, using my foolproof logic, I arrived at my conclusion. Yanks are retarded carnts! Now carry on, give us more hyphens and do England proud!”

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16. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 01:48PM

“Your self-loathing is frightening, Sean. For future reference, should you pretend to be South Londoner again, Crystal Palace are referred to as Palace, never Crystal. And in London the word "cunt" is pronounced "cant" (to rhyme with "rant") but would never be spelled that way. Have you ever considered that your obsessive, ultra-defensive and irrational patriotic posturing might be masking a deeper personal problem? Low self-esteem perhaps? Are you being bullied at work perhaps? There are places you can get help. if you write to me personally I'll try and steer you in the right direction.”

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17. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 02:48PM


Steven, your forensic skills need work. "Carnt" is in usage by millions across the globe. But let's be positive here. You're my Yank-bashing hero and in fact you are idolised by most of England. Anyone who can attack the Septics and get paid to do so by the Septics themselves is pulling off quite a trick. They really are dumb aren't they? Well done mate.”

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18. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 04:50PM

“Sean, seriously. Get some help.”

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19. Anonymous said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:06PM

“A+++ Hilarious!!! Would read again!!”

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20. annikee said... on Apr 23, 2009 at 06:52AM

“When certain life forms have led society to a point that one can no longer know satire from real life, it's time to Chicken Dance.”

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21. Steven Wells said... on Apr 23, 2009 at 10:51AM


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22. Cuntinghalal Palace said... on Apr 25, 2009 at 08:56AM

“The new motto of England: More Burkha's less Gurkha's!”

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23. BubbaKin said... on Apr 25, 2009 at 12:51PM

“I'm assuming PW is like all the other weekly newspapers in cities across the US (you know, owned by Village Voice) and that 99% of the readers got the joke. But the online article is confusing good god-fearing rural readers, who don't know what disgusting rags of filth weekly newspapers are.

A tip to rural readers: Weekly magazines are sex-filled, drug laden, liberal outposts. It's like Susan Sarandon snorted a big ol' line a magic mushrooms and decided to write a newspaper.... with her vagina.”

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24. Fair & Balanced said... on Apr 28, 2009 at 05:29PM

“God these articles are so frigging douchey and lame.”

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