There is only so much freedom. The more gays have, the less straights have.
Philadelphia Weekly—I am afraid to say—is a very gay-friendly paper. In fact the writers of this paper miss no opportunity to show solidarity with those in the pro-homosexual movement who are attempting to destroy America by taking away the rights and freedoms of ordinary religious heterosexual Americans.
In fact so on-board with the ultra-leftist militant “gay” agenda is Philadelphia Weekly that if Jesus Christ himself came schlepping his cross down Samson Street, the entire staff would rush out into the road—not to help Our Lord, but to try and recruit Him into gayness, and maybe even try and seduce him into some man-on-man sex right then and there on the street.
These are the kind of perverts and degenerates I have to work with.
Which is why this week in In Extremis—in the interests of fairness and balance—I am picking up the burning cross of the anti-equal rights for gays movement and marching in the God-blessed ranks of those ordinary Americans who are desperately defending their basic human right to deny basic human rights to other people i.e. gays.
And the good news, people, is that we’re finally getting organized.
Yes ordinary people of all faiths—fundamentalists, crazy fundamentalist, snake-handling and talking-in-tongues fundamentalists, relatively sane fundamentalists, total wack-job fundamentalists and some Catholics—have gotten together to form a “rainbow coalition” of plain, straightforward, no-messing-about, spaghetti-out-of-a-can eating real Americans who are genuinely and deeply convinced that extending the rights of marriage to Americans who love someone of the same sex fundamentally undermines their own freedom—won, let us not forget, by the blood sacrifice of young Christian patriots on the battlegrounds of the Revolutionary War—to marry someone of the opposite sex. And to express our Bible-mandated hate of homosexuals.
There are two main planks in our campaign platform:
1. Civil rights.
Those of us desperately fighting to stop homosexuals from having the same rights as heterosexuals are the spiritual heirs of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. In short—homophobes are the new Negroes. Because if gays ever get equal rights in America, those millions of Americans who hold the profound and Scripture-based belief that homosexuality is an abomination will be effectively stopped from exercising our God-given and Constitution-guaranteed right to express that belief (which, let us not forget, is also God’s belief). And that will be but the first step on the slippery slope to a Gay Fascist America where the Stormtroopers of Gay Liberation will herd the few surviving God-fearing heterosexuals (millions of Americans having been turned gay by Hollywood-led gay recruiting drives) into straight ghettos in the major cities where they’ll live a sad, furtive, twilight existence, ever fearful of blackmail and the heavy hand of the law (straight sex having been declared illegal). Eventually, perhaps in the straight ghetto in the Castro district of San Francisco, a young straight Christian man will step forward and—perhaps inspired by straight riots in New York— lead a straight liberation movement onto the streets, chanting; “We’re straight, we’re here, get used to it!”
Maybe this young man would then become the first straight politician to achieve elected office in America in decades. And maybe then, with the help of our gay allies—who, lets face it, all know someone who is straight, maybe even in their own families—we could roll back the anti-straight legislation that chokes our freedom and, indeed, denies our status as fully equal human beings.
In short—there is only so much freedom. The more gays have, the less straights have. Look upon freedom as a bone if you will. A bone that the straight, Christian dog has been gnawing contentedly for years. But now the dog of liberal homosexualism is demanding we let him suck our bone. What do we do, America? Do we let the dog of socialist sodomy chew our hard-won bone of freedom? Or do we strip off, oil our bodies, grasp our opponents and—in the flickering torchlight cast by the anxiously onlooking Statue of Liberty—vigorously wrestle the homosexual agenda into gasping submission?
2. The Sanctity of Marriage
This one is a total no-brainer. Allowing homosexuals to marry automatically cheapens and devalues the marriages of heterosexuals. Why do people find this so hard to understand? Here’s how it works.
You and your good lady wife are sat enjoying a good, simple, ordinary American meal in a reasonably priced restaurant. Suddenly your wife is approached by a lithesome gigolo. He is wearing a scarlet blouse, open to the waist, revealing a superbly muscled chest smothered in thick black ringlets. He has the face of a god—and the smile of the devil—surmounted by more of those pansexually irresistible lush black curls.
Your eyes are irresistibly drawn to impossibly tight black leather trousers that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. The dude’s packing. We are talking elephantine. And then some. When God was designing the Leviathan and the Behemoth, he probably gave those unimaginably huge mega-monsters a wanger like this.
And this stud says to your wife (in a gorgeous French accent): “Excuse me for interrupting but I couldn't help noticing that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Please come up to my hotel room right now and let me make mad, passionate love to you.”
Your wife, being a good Christian lady, points first to her ring and then to you, her husband, and says: “I am sorry Monsieur, for you are truly the loveliest of God’s creations, but I am married. Which means I have taken a vow not to have sex with anyone ever again except my husband.”
Are the Oath Keepers for The Man? Or for The People? And how are regular people supposed to tell "legitimate" conservatives from the nutter fringe these days, anyway?
Our friend and colleague Steven Wells died two years ago today of the cancer he had documented so well in two cover stories for Philadelphia Weekly. On June 14, he submitted this column.