Save the Straights

There is only so much freedom. The more gays have, the less straights have.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 24 | Posted Apr. 19, 2009

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There is a storm gathering. A big, gay storm.

Philadelphia Weekly—I am afraid to say—is a very gay-friendly paper. In fact the writers of this paper miss no opportunity to show solidarity with those in the pro-homosexual movement who are attempting to destroy America by taking away the rights and freedoms of ordinary religious heterosexual Americans.

In fact so on-board with the ultra-leftist militant “gay” agenda is Philadelphia Weekly that if Jesus Christ himself came schlepping his cross down Samson Street, the entire staff would rush out into the road—not to help Our Lord, but to try and recruit Him into gayness, and maybe even try and seduce him into some man-on-man sex right then and there on the street.

These are the kind of perverts and degenerates I have to work with.

Which is why this week in In Extremis—in the interests of fairness and balance—I am picking up the burning cross of the anti-equal rights for gays movement and marching in the God-blessed ranks of those ordinary Americans who are desperately defending their basic human right to deny basic human rights to other people i.e. gays.

And the good news, people, is that we’re finally getting organized.

Yes ordinary people of all faiths—fundamentalists, crazy fundamentalist, snake-handling and talking-in-tongues fundamentalists, relatively sane fundamentalists, total wack-job fundamentalists and some Catholics—have gotten together to form a “rainbow coalition” of plain, straightforward, no-messing-about, spaghetti-out-of-a-can eating real Americans who are genuinely and deeply convinced that extending the rights of marriage to Americans who love someone of the same sex fundamentally undermines their own freedom—won, let us not forget, by the blood sacrifice of young Christian patriots on the battlegrounds of the Revolutionary War—to marry someone of the opposite sex. And to express our Bible-mandated hate of homosexuals.

There are two main planks in our campaign platform:

1. Civil rights.

Those of us desperately fighting to stop homosexuals from having the same rights as heterosexuals are the spiritual heirs of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King. In short—homophobes are the new Negroes. Because if gays ever get equal rights in America, those millions of Americans who hold the profound and Scripture-based belief that homosexuality is an abomination will be effectively stopped from exercising our God-given and Constitution-guaranteed right to express that belief (which, let us not forget, is also God’s belief). And that will be but the first step on the slippery slope to a Gay Fascist America where the Stormtroopers of Gay Liberation will herd the few surviving God-fearing heterosexuals (millions of Americans having been turned gay by Hollywood-led gay recruiting drives) into straight ghettos in the major cities where they’ll live a sad, furtive, twilight existence, ever fearful of blackmail and the heavy hand of the law (straight sex having been declared illegal). Eventually, perhaps in the straight ghetto in the Castro district of San Francisco, a young straight Christian man will step forward and—perhaps inspired by straight riots in New York— lead a straight liberation movement onto the streets, chanting; “We’re straight, we’re here, get used to it!”

Maybe this young man would then become the first straight politician to achieve elected office in America in decades. And maybe then, with the help of our gay allies—who, lets face it, all know someone who is straight, maybe even in their own families—we could roll back the anti-straight legislation that chokes our freedom and, indeed, denies our status as fully equal human beings.

In short—there is only so much freedom. The more gays have, the less straights have. Look upon freedom as a bone if you will. A bone that the straight, Christian dog has been gnawing contentedly for years. But now the dog of liberal homosexualism is demanding we let him suck our bone. What do we do, America? Do we let the dog of socialist sodomy chew our hard-won bone of freedom? Or do we strip off, oil our bodies, grasp our opponents and—in the flickering torchlight cast by the anxiously onlooking Statue of Liberty—vigorously wrestle the homosexual agenda into gasping submission?

2. The Sanctity of Marriage

This one is a total no-brainer. Allowing homosexuals to marry automatically cheapens and devalues the marriages of heterosexuals. Why do people find this so hard to understand? Here’s how it works.

You and your good lady wife are sat enjoying a good, simple, ordinary American meal in a reasonably priced restaurant. Suddenly your wife is approached by a lithesome gigolo. He is wearing a scarlet blouse, open to the waist, revealing a superbly muscled chest smothered in thick black ringlets. He has the face of a god—and the smile of the devil—surmounted by more of those pansexually irresistible lush black curls.

Your eyes are irresistibly drawn to impossibly tight black leather trousers that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. The dude’s packing. We are talking elephantine. And then some. When God was designing the Leviathan and the Behemoth, he probably gave those unimaginably huge mega-monsters a wanger like this.

And this stud says to your wife (in a gorgeous French accent): “Excuse me for interrupting but I couldn't help noticing that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Please come up to my hotel room right now and let me make mad, passionate love to you.”

Your wife, being a good Christian lady, points first to her ring and then to you, her husband, and says: “I am sorry Monsieur, for you are truly the loveliest of God’s creations, but I am married. Which means I have taken a vow not to have sex with anyone ever again except my husband.”

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 24 of 24
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1. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:11AM

“You go Steven! Tell those dumb Septic Tanks off! Yanks are all retarded innit. I'm having a chip butty today in your honour. Get it, butt-y? We English deliver the best humour and satire in the world. It's a fact. Just ask us!”

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2. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:31AM

“Hey Anonymous/Guardian Sucks/Sean,
Glad to see you're still around, still relentlessly hammering that one, flat note, even if you are sounding a little tired. So what you been up to? Did you go to the Fox News New York tea-bagging party?”

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3. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 10:45AM

“So is this for real or is it a joke? I honestly couldn't tell.”

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4. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 10:45AM

“So is this for real or is it a joke? I honestly couldn't tell.”

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5. Cyn DerBlock said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 11:13AM

“Well said, sir! Ever since Vermont and Iowa cemented their place in Hell, i've said "fuck my marriage vows" and thrown my hole around like a regular Johnny Vaginaseed. Thanks, homosexual agenda--next stop, Petting Zoo!”

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6. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 12:33PM

“I was with you until you started talking like they are an enemy. I am a firm believer that they have no reason to marry, but they are in no way an "opponent" to us straight people. They just want to believe that they have a voice.

I believe that the only reason people should get married is if they want to start a family. I believe that there should be a mother and a father in a child's life. If you do not wish to start a family, then why get married...because you want to profess your love in a spiritual and lawful way. WHY? What reason? Tax advantages? (More money from the government?)

People have argued with me about adoption. What if you can't get pregnant but you still want to get married. Adopt then. If you are a hetero couple who can't get pregnant, but you want a child(ren), that is the only reason I can see truly adopting a child and being married.

If you choose to adopt by being a surrogate mother for yourself(lesbian couple), find a surrogate mother(gay couple), or adopt(gay or lesbian couple), should you get married in my opinion...no. Let the child know at the right time, that he/she is adopted. If you're a gay or lesbian couple, it's going to be pretty obvious that the mother or father (depending) will most likely not be in the picture.

Why do they have to get married? I don't know. If it's just because they can't, then that is NO REASON.”

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7. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 01:09PM

“What is this? Homophobes Anonymous? Have the ovaries to use your name, for heaven's sake.”

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8. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 01:44PM

“Who's Guardian Sucks/Sean? I'm Alfie and I live in a council flat in Sidcup. I hate Septic Tanks with a passion. That's why I love your writing Steven. You put the fat stupid Yanks in their place. You are a hero back in England! Keep up the good work mate!”

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9. JB said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 02:49PM

“Comment #6:
I think gays want to get married for that very reason, to start a family of their own. And you have to admit that it's not like gay parents only raise gay children. Straight parents raise gay children and gay parents raise straight children, etc.
There also isn't any proof that the adopted child of a gay couple is in any way less well-adjusted or anything than any other child.”

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10. Anonymous said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 09:19PM

“Whatever happened to trying to hold on to your dignity? Are you serious with this shit? I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.”

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11. Steven Wells said... on Apr 20, 2009 at 11:09PM

“"Are you serious with this shit?"
Oh. My. God. Are you asking if there really is a Christian organization called FELCH? Are you really that spectacularly stupid?”

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12. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 08:20AM

“Exactly! See, Steven, all Septic Tanks really are this stupid! They need British leaders and British talent show judges and British journalists to tell them how to tie their shoelaces. As you know everyone in Britain belongs to MENSA and is brilliant at satire, whereas all Yanks are thick as 2 short planks and should be sterilised. If you weren't in Philadelphia teaching them how to use thousands of compound hyphenated adjectives in a 1000-word column, I bet the whole city would collapse. They don't deserve someone as talented and subtle as you, good sir!”

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13. I'm SMRT! said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 09:19AM

“Wait, no. Is this real? Seriously?

I'm loving these comments and am thankful you haven't received some sort of proper education. Thank You all for the early morning chuckle at your stupidity.”

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14. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:45AM

“Anonymous/Sean/The Cranky Yank/Guardian Sucks/Alfie/Whatever,
You automatically, instinctively and unthinkingly assume, without any evidence whatsoever, that the "stupid" readers are American. That's one hell of an inferiority complex you've got there, bub.”

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15. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:55PM

“I don't know where you get this Sean/Cranky Whatever stuff; like I said I live in Sidcup and support Crystal. But I do know that the stupid readers are Yanks. Simple deduction. It's a Septic paper, read by Septics. Not only that, but they don't "get" your subtle and devastating British irony. Why? Because they're Yanks! Which automatically means we must subtract 30 points from their IQ. So you see, using my foolproof logic, I arrived at my conclusion. Yanks are retarded carnts! Now carry on, give us more hyphens and do England proud!”

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16. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 01:48PM

“Your self-loathing is frightening, Sean. For future reference, should you pretend to be South Londoner again, Crystal Palace are referred to as Palace, never Crystal. And in London the word "cunt" is pronounced "cant" (to rhyme with "rant") but would never be spelled that way. Have you ever considered that your obsessive, ultra-defensive and irrational patriotic posturing might be masking a deeper personal problem? Low self-esteem perhaps? Are you being bullied at work perhaps? There are places you can get help. if you write to me personally I'll try and steer you in the right direction.”

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17. Alfie from the council flat said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 02:48PM

“urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=carnt

Steven, your forensic skills need work. "Carnt" is in usage by millions across the globe. But let's be positive here. You're my Yank-bashing hero and in fact you are idolised by most of England. Anyone who can attack the Septics and get paid to do so by the Septics themselves is pulling off quite a trick. They really are dumb aren't they? Well done mate.”

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18. Steven Wells said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 04:50PM

“Sean, seriously. Get some help.”

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19. Anonymous said... on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:06PM

“A+++ Hilarious!!! Would read again!!”

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20. annikee said... on Apr 23, 2009 at 06:52AM

“When certain life forms have led society to a point that one can no longer know satire from real life, it's time to Chicken Dance.”

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21. Steven Wells said... on Apr 23, 2009 at 10:51AM

“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGcdGNlKifY”

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22. Cuntinghalal Palace said... on Apr 25, 2009 at 08:56AM

“The new motto of England: More Burkha's less Gurkha's!”

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23. BubbaKin said... on Apr 25, 2009 at 12:51PM

“I'm assuming PW is like all the other weekly newspapers in cities across the US (you know, owned by Village Voice) and that 99% of the readers got the joke. But the online article is confusing good god-fearing rural readers, who don't know what disgusting rags of filth weekly newspapers are.

A tip to rural readers: Weekly magazines are sex-filled, drug laden, liberal outposts. It's like Susan Sarandon snorted a big ol' line a magic mushrooms and decided to write a newspaper.... with her vagina.”

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24. Fair & Balanced said... on Apr 28, 2009 at 05:29PM

“God these articles are so frigging douchey and lame.”

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