How to Save the GOP

The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 17 | Posted May. 10, 2009

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Of course there are those GOP purists who will argue that by forcing smart people to join the Republican Party, you run the real risk of making the party smarter, and even encouraging the promotion of smart policies and (worst of all) making the party attractive to the enlightened and the intellectual.

And you’ve got to feel the GOP’s pain on this issue. It must, after all, be terrific fun to be so stupendously stupid. You can run around with your underpants on your head and eat dog crap right of the street and claim (as Michael Savage recently did) that swine flu is a terrorist plot and, oh, all sort of fun crazy stuff that only really incredibly stupid people can get away with.

But the fun has to end some time, my dumb conservative chums. For the sake of the Republic for which your once great party is named, it’s time for you to toss away the stinking, shit-smeared, snot-slimy comfort blanket of quasi-racist imbecilic gullibility and accept in to your ranks people who aren’t so mindbogglingly dense that they think a tax cut is a tax hike even when it’s been explained to them like a thousand times.

And so, to my liberal readers, a special plea. I need 20,000 of you to head to your local GOP HQs tomorrow morning and sign up as full-blown members of the Republican Party.

Do it for democracy. Do it for pluralism. But most of all do it because this is our chance to totally take the fuckers over.

Seriously, they’re defenseless. Nobody is in control. The GOP is lying on its back in a pool of its own urine, frothing at the mouth, waving it’s stumpy little legs in the air and screeching like a banshee at the racist dog whistles ringing in its horribly misshapen head.

You wanna know how bad things are? Last week on Fox, Dennis Miller (just before he repeated his claim that Saddam did in fact have WMDs) told Bill O’Reilly that Rush Limbaugh “is the smartest guy in the room.”

He might well be right, of course (at least with regards to the GOP) but it’s kinda like being told that Rush Limbaugh is the slimmest, least racist and best hung person in the room. It just means Rush is in a room full of stupendously fat bigots with wrong-end-of-the-telescope tiny tallywhackers. Which to be fair, he probably is.

The Republicans are ripe for the taking, comrades. And for reshaping into an inclusive, genuinely patriotic, pro-Constitution, pro-civil rights, anti-racist, gay-friendly, secular, pro working class American party that’s well to the left of the liberal capitalist stooges in the so-called Democratic Party.

And it’s what Abraham Lincoln would want us to do.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 17 of 17
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1. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 08:16AM

“A++++ mate!!!

You really showed the Septics who's boss here. In fact from now on I'll just call you the "Anti-Septic." Get it? Of course you do but the dumb Yanks won't. The cunts think you're one of them and I see you keep playing to that just to throw them off the trail. Well done! Those Yankee Wankers have no clue socialism is right in their midst! They have no idea about football and draft picks and revenue sharing because they're too busy stuffing their fat Septic gobs with McDonald's and KFC! They think Medicare and Medicaid are elastoplasts. Hahahahahaha! They really are the stupidest people on the planet. If I can offer just one bit of practical advice, please bring back the phrase "howler monkey." I notice you love that one and so do we! It describes the Seppos perfectly!

Once again, A++++ from your biggest fan!”

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2. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:45AM

“Actually part of me kinda wants to see the rule-by-the-strongest libertarian come into existence, just to see all the Ron Paulies and Objectivists ass-raped and eaten by biker gangs on day one of the new era. (It’s well known that all the major outlaw bike gangs keep regularly updated lists of the names and addresses of libertarians, who they regard as an easily accessible source of ass-sex, guns and protein should civilization ever collapse).”

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3. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:55AM

“I wrote the above. (Just so no-one gets the impression I'm a skulking coward who hides behind "anonymous' and multipe other names.) Right, Alfie/Sean/Cranky Yank etc?”

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4. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 01:07PM

“No way mate! No way you wrote that! Englishmen don't say civilization. Plus there are only FOUR hyphens in that paragraph. Way too few for the Steven Wells we know and love. Now if the REAL Steven Wells wrote that paragraph it would read like this:

“Actually part of me kinda wants to see the rule-by-the-strongest fascist-crazed zeitgeist-whoring libertarian[s] come into existence, just to see all the Ron Paulies and howler monkey Objectivists ass-raped and eaten by syphillitic-crazed biker gangs on day one of the new era. (It’s well known that all the major outlaw bike gangs keep regularly updated lists of the names and addresses of dumb-as-fuck monkey-feces-hurling Rush Limbaugh-gobshiting NRA-Christ-on-a-popsicle-turd-herding zombie-clusterfucking libertarians, who[m] they regard as an easily accessible source of ass-sex, guns and protein should civilisation ever collapse).

So you see, we know the delicate magic of your real prose. Now get that imposter out of here!
Cheers,
Alfie”

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5. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 01:35PM

“First interesting and/or funny thing you've ever written, Sean. Keep it up.”

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6. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 04:01PM

“If that's true then "Sean's" one up on you Wells.”

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7. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 05:30PM

“PWNED!”

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8. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 05:45PM

“Oh Sean,

And now you've spoiled it by writing in pretending to be you own fans. Again.

Only one thing for it, Sean, you'll have to take another chunk of Wells verbosity and make it even more Wellsian.

Can you do it? You know you can!

(I envy you right now. You've just discovered the one thing in life that you're quite good at. That must must feel awesome. Treasure that feeling, Sean, treasure it.)”

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9. Fuck Off Fucko said... on May 11, 2009 at 08:46PM

“Von Douche...It don't take a rocket scientist to see that you've just been fucking owned! Ah, wait, you're a fucking Slimey.....the bulbs not so bright.”

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10. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:13PM

“Oh Sean.

And you were doing so well. Now it's back to the multiple names and the tired old "Cranky Yank" schtick, so I guess it won't be long before you revert back to the homophobia, the racism and all the other miserable, self-loathing, anti-American baggage you drag around with you week after pitiful week.

And you were making such marvelous progress.

What a pity.”

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11. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:29PM

“That's telling the Septic mug to jog on Steven! Good job mate!”

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12. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:53PM

“Oh Sean,

So now you're doing the fake British, fake anti-American Alfie voice again?

Really?

Oh dear.

Have you totally run out of ideas?

You had your chance this week, Sean. You could have wiped out months of horrible humiliation with your terrifying new tactic of ... hyperbolic parody!

But you seem scared to do so.

How disappointing.

("What does "to jog on" mean, by the way?")

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13. silverbullet69 said... on May 12, 2009 at 09:57AM

“Who is "PW Ned?"
I thought the writer's name was Steven.”

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14. Alfie's friend Mick, also from Sidcup said... on May 12, 2009 at 12:07PM

“What does "jog on" mean?

And you call yourself a proud Englishman?

Get with the program bruvva!”

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15. Steven Wells said... on May 12, 2009 at 01:54PM

“Oh Sean,

You've not been visiting urbandictionary.com, have you?

Is that where you got "the Crystal" from?

Up the Crystal! (titter)

Sean, a word to the not-so-wise, a large proportion of the entries on that website are entirely bogus and designed to make idiots out of the gullible.

Have you actually ever met any British people? There's an awful lot of them in your area. Why not take off the tin-foil hat and go make friends?

Get with the programme, bruv!”

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16. Anonymous said... on May 12, 2009 at 03:50PM

“Wow, you must be a very busy writer to be responding so much to this Alfie/Mick character. Very busy indeed. You should be congratulated for your time management.”

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17. jj said... on Jun 5, 2009 at 03:40PM

“get your head out of your ass the dems are a bunch of tax&spend morons who kiss white haters asses&still listen to liberal buttheads on coke”

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