How to Save the GOP

The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 17 | Posted May. 10, 2009

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If this guy is the smartest guy in the room, what hope is there for the GOP?

Like every red-blooded American I am looking forward to the start of the NFL 2009/2010 season in September with an eagerness that borders on the sexual.

And until then, of course, we’ve got the NBA basketball championship thing. Who could not love basketball? Thumpa thumpa thumpa GOAL! Thumpa thumpa thumpa GOAL! What’s the score 119-118! Amazing!

And the English girls’ game of rounders, which we call baseball and only let men play and actually think is really butch and ultra-masculine even though we make the players wear the gayest uniforms of any sport ever. Grrrrr!

But what I might like most about American sports is that, unlike sports in other countries, they’re just so damn fair. For instance we let the crappest teams have first pick of all the best new players. And we make the richest franchises subsidize the poorest.

In other words, while the capitalist European soccer leagues reward success (with promotion to higher leagues and tons of cash) and punish failure (with demotion to lower leagues and possible bankruptcy) we insanely socialist Americans do the exact opposite. We actively reward failure.

It’s a system that tries to be fair, that attempts to keep all the assets from ending up in just a few hands. There’s a word for that kind of system—socialism. And we all know what that leads to, right Glenn Beck?

But wait, as Chuck Klosterman has pointed out, the NFL is not only the most socialist league in America, it’s also the most financially and commercially successful league—in the world!


To recap: The NFL—a league widely regarded by most patriotic Americans as the very epitome of the brute American ideal—is actually living proof that socialism is a more viable economic system than unregulated free market capitalism.

Which either means that the NFL is profoundly un‑American (in which case it’s in serious trouble because the rest of the world thinks American football totally sucks) or it means that socialism is as American as American football.

Hey, have I just blown your freaking mind?

As a patriotic American socialist (and how could any patriotic American read the opening words of the Declaration of Independence—“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal …” not consider themselves a socialist?) I think the American sports draft is a fantastic idea. I also think the same principle should be immediately applied to the American political system—before it’s too late and the Democrats stay in power for ever.

No true democrat can possibly be happy with the ongoing full-blown nervous breakdown of the GOP. The base
have gone entirely crazy, milling around in Fox News-herded, tricorner hat wearing fake mobs, waving tea
bags
  and, when they rant at the cameras, actually sounding as if they’ve ingested LSD.

The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus. The GOP leadership, meanwhile, continues to shit the bed big time, publicly groveling to racist talk radio blowhards, proposing dementedly childish legislation,disgracefully attacking the victims of hate crimes, and generally showing all the maturity, wit and wisdom of a bunch of toddlers with the key to the crystal meth cupboard.

In the words of Rolling Stone’s wonderfully disgusted Matt Taibbi:  “Following the Republican Party of late has been a movingly depressing experience, sort of like watching Old Yeller die—if Old Yeller were a worm-infested feral bitch who spent the past eight years biting children at bus stops and shitting in neighborhood swimming pools.”

Of course it’s fun watching the disintegration of a political party that is—when all’s said and done—a coalition of the selfish, the stupid and the scared. But is this total meltdown good for democracy? I would argue that it is not. If there’s one thing that’s definitely worse than a two party system, it’s a one-party system. Even if the party that disappears is entirely comprised of hate-filled assholes.

That’s why I’m proposing that, starting this year, the GOP gets first pick of all the really clever wonks who graduate from our elite universities. This is a desperately needed measure. The Republicans are not just short of intellectuals; they’re short of people who can actually think.

All the eggheads the conservatives do have are locked up in libertarian think tanks like the Cato Institute where they’re still peddling their one (really bad) idea—deregulation. (Which, in the current economic climate, is akin to suggesting that obese people should seek to lose weight by eating 8 times a day at McDonalds. Gotta love those crazy libertarians.)*

*This is of course accepting the fact that the phrase “libertarian intellectual” is an oxymoron, given that anybody stupid enough to believe that replacing democracy with the naked and unfettered rule of the corporations is in anyway a good idea, is, by definition, an idiot. As the saying goes, a libertarian is just a socialist who hasn’t thought things through properly. (Haven’t they read any William Gibson?)

And that’s just not fair.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 17 of 17
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1. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 08:16AM

“A++++ mate!!!

You really showed the Septics who's boss here. In fact from now on I'll just call you the "Anti-Septic." Get it? Of course you do but the dumb Yanks won't. The cunts think you're one of them and I see you keep playing to that just to throw them off the trail. Well done! Those Yankee Wankers have no clue socialism is right in their midst! They have no idea about football and draft picks and revenue sharing because they're too busy stuffing their fat Septic gobs with McDonald's and KFC! They think Medicare and Medicaid are elastoplasts. Hahahahahaha! They really are the stupidest people on the planet. If I can offer just one bit of practical advice, please bring back the phrase "howler monkey." I notice you love that one and so do we! It describes the Seppos perfectly!

Once again, A++++ from your biggest fan!”

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2. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:45AM

“Actually part of me kinda wants to see the rule-by-the-strongest libertarian come into existence, just to see all the Ron Paulies and Objectivists ass-raped and eaten by biker gangs on day one of the new era. (It’s well known that all the major outlaw bike gangs keep regularly updated lists of the names and addresses of libertarians, who they regard as an easily accessible source of ass-sex, guns and protein should civilization ever collapse).”

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3. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:55AM

“I wrote the above. (Just so no-one gets the impression I'm a skulking coward who hides behind "anonymous' and multipe other names.) Right, Alfie/Sean/Cranky Yank etc?”

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4. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 01:07PM

“No way mate! No way you wrote that! Englishmen don't say civilization. Plus there are only FOUR hyphens in that paragraph. Way too few for the Steven Wells we know and love. Now if the REAL Steven Wells wrote that paragraph it would read like this:

“Actually part of me kinda wants to see the rule-by-the-strongest fascist-crazed zeitgeist-whoring libertarian[s] come into existence, just to see all the Ron Paulies and howler monkey Objectivists ass-raped and eaten by syphillitic-crazed biker gangs on day one of the new era. (It’s well known that all the major outlaw bike gangs keep regularly updated lists of the names and addresses of dumb-as-fuck monkey-feces-hurling Rush Limbaugh-gobshiting NRA-Christ-on-a-popsicle-turd-herding zombie-clusterfucking libertarians, who[m] they regard as an easily accessible source of ass-sex, guns and protein should civilisation ever collapse).

So you see, we know the delicate magic of your real prose. Now get that imposter out of here!
Cheers,
Alfie”

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5. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 01:35PM

“First interesting and/or funny thing you've ever written, Sean. Keep it up.”

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6. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 04:01PM

“If that's true then "Sean's" one up on you Wells.”

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7. Anonymous said... on May 11, 2009 at 05:30PM

“PWNED!”

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8. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 05:45PM

“Oh Sean,

And now you've spoiled it by writing in pretending to be you own fans. Again.

Only one thing for it, Sean, you'll have to take another chunk of Wells verbosity and make it even more Wellsian.

Can you do it? You know you can!

(I envy you right now. You've just discovered the one thing in life that you're quite good at. That must must feel awesome. Treasure that feeling, Sean, treasure it.)”

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9. Fuck Off Fucko said... on May 11, 2009 at 08:46PM

“Von Douche...It don't take a rocket scientist to see that you've just been fucking owned! Ah, wait, you're a fucking Slimey.....the bulbs not so bright.”

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10. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:13PM

“Oh Sean.

And you were doing so well. Now it's back to the multiple names and the tired old "Cranky Yank" schtick, so I guess it won't be long before you revert back to the homophobia, the racism and all the other miserable, self-loathing, anti-American baggage you drag around with you week after pitiful week.

And you were making such marvelous progress.

What a pity.”

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11. Alfie from the council flat said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:29PM

“That's telling the Septic mug to jog on Steven! Good job mate!”

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12. Steven Wells said... on May 11, 2009 at 10:53PM

“Oh Sean,

So now you're doing the fake British, fake anti-American Alfie voice again?

Really?

Oh dear.

Have you totally run out of ideas?

You had your chance this week, Sean. You could have wiped out months of horrible humiliation with your terrifying new tactic of ... hyperbolic parody!

But you seem scared to do so.

How disappointing.

("What does "to jog on" mean, by the way?")

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13. silverbullet69 said... on May 12, 2009 at 09:57AM

“Who is "PW Ned?"
I thought the writer's name was Steven.”

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14. Alfie's friend Mick, also from Sidcup said... on May 12, 2009 at 12:07PM

“What does "jog on" mean?

And you call yourself a proud Englishman?

Get with the program bruvva!”

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15. Steven Wells said... on May 12, 2009 at 01:54PM

“Oh Sean,

You've not been visiting urbandictionary.com, have you?

Is that where you got "the Crystal" from?

Up the Crystal! (titter)

Sean, a word to the not-so-wise, a large proportion of the entries on that website are entirely bogus and designed to make idiots out of the gullible.

Have you actually ever met any British people? There's an awful lot of them in your area. Why not take off the tin-foil hat and go make friends?

Get with the programme, bruv!”

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16. Anonymous said... on May 12, 2009 at 03:50PM

“Wow, you must be a very busy writer to be responding so much to this Alfie/Mick character. Very busy indeed. You should be congratulated for your time management.”

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17. jj said... on Jun 5, 2009 at 03:40PM

“get your head out of your ass the dems are a bunch of tax&spend morons who kiss white haters asses&still listen to liberal buttheads on coke”

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