Philadelphia Weekly

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I have some questions concerning the latest round of drug scandals bedeviling U.S. sports, particularly as they pertain to Mr. Phelps, Mr. Bonds and Mr. Rod.

1)  In the interest of full disclosure, I am writing this blog on antibiotics, multivitamins, stool softeners, something called hydromorphine plus pretty much the same powerful prescription painkillers that turned de–facto leader of the Republican Party and part–time sport pundit Rush Limbaugh into a gibbering junkie. Does this in any way affect my status as a role model for American youth?

I ask this on the assumption that Kellogg’s might use my face to replace that of Phelps on their cereal boxes—a long shot but not an entirely absurd one, given that I write a column that is easily the equivalent of winning eight gold medals every week.

2) Or is the really important distinction here that my drugs are legal and thus good, while Phelps’ are illegal and hideous and wrong?

That’s a excellent point. But let’s just say that I haven’t, for some days now, actually felt the pain the painkillers were prescribed for. But I’ve carried on using them because—to use a phrase made popular by the folks at Kellogg’s—they’re great!

Does this make my still totally legal drug use equally bad and wrong? Or would Kellogg’s treat both Phelps and me on a case–by–case, drug–by–drug basis?

3) What performance–enhancing drugs could Phelps take anyway? Other than the ”oxygen pills” taken by the Phelps–like hero of the 1960s TV proto–manga Marine Boy? (Oh, how we all wanted to be Marine Boy. All together, now: ”He is a boy, a very special boy … ”)

Speedo, by way of contrast with Kellogg’s, hasn’t dropped Phelps, presumably because, as the world’s greatest manufacturer of swimming stuff, the world’s greatest swimmer would have to commit something approaching the world’s greatest crime to risk getting his superbly muscled ass kicked out into the sponsorship cold.

4) I jest, of course. I’m sure Speedo has much lower standards of unacceptably outrageous behavior than that. So let me ask the question: What illegal substance would the man–fish have to publicly ingest before Speedo canned him? And if he were pictured snorting a bong while wearing Nike swimming knickers, would that make a difference? Probably not if they were made from wool and looked like they’d been hand–knitted by Michael Phelps’ mom. Then the picture would say: ”Michael Phelps only takes drugs when he wears big, saggy, water–absorbing woolen Nike swimming knickers that look like they’ve been hand–knitted by his mom.”

5) Marijuana is not a sport performance–enhancing drug and it’s therefore absurd that athletes should be bollocked by the sports authorities for using it. This point has been made often. But wait up. One of the things everyone knows about Phelps is that he’s never allowed to travel outside of the larger U.S. cities lest he devastate vast areas of the American heartland with his scary–big calorific intake. In short, Phelps is to the U.S. what the U.S. is to the rest of the planet—a self–obsessed greedy bastard who consumes way, way more than his fair share of the planet’s rescources. Phelps turns every billion calories he consumes into one more super–secret billionth–of–a–second of Phelps–speed, which he can unleash whenever he needs to defy the laws of physics. Is that why he smokes dope, to deliberately induce the munchies? If so, does this make Phelps’ use of marijuana as morally bad as other players’ use of steroids and growth hormones? Does it make it almost as bad as a manufacturer adding sugar to its cereals and then aggressively mass marketing them to children?

6) Who’s the real bad egg here? a) The 23–year–old who did a bong hit or b) the toe–rag with a camera phone who ratted him out to a scumbag British gutter rag? And if you answered b), what are you, some sort of a commie? Did you miss the Reagan/Thatcher revolution during which we decided once and for all that the only value anything has is the value given to it by the market? Nexty you’ll say paying corporate CEOs millions of dollars a week is a bit silly. Get a life, Trotsky.

7) How long is this absurdist drugs–in–sport carnival going to drag on? Given that we know for a fact that so many sprinters, baseball players, football players and other athletes have and do take steroids, why do we cling en masse to the illusion that steroids and other forbidden drugs aren’t rampant at every level across a whole range of sports? And if these drugs are widespread in Olympic sports, what family–friendly global company in its right mind would choose an Olympic hero—even one as clean–cut and undoubtedly performance–enhancing–drugs–free as Phelps—as its international box cover model? What kind of message does that send? Won’t somebody please think about the children? Especially the fat ones with all, like, sugar– and food–dye–discolored milk infected with bovine growth hormone dripping off their triple chins as they sit slackjawed watching endless hours of kid–targeted TV advertising designed to turn them into good little, fat American consumers. CRACK! What’s that! That’s a whip, fatsos! Out into the cold, drop and give me 50, you tubby little so–called American–assholes! Live Frosties–free or die! Give me the youth of America, America, and I will give you a hundred, a thousand, a million drug–free Phelpsian–Americans. I will give you a phalanx, a legion, an army of dumb–as–a–post superhumans with gills. And the ones that don’t turn out to be really good swimmers will be able to run very, very fast toward the sound of gunfire carrying more than 240 pounds of equipment and chanting ”hup hup hup” and ”hoo–yah” and lines of rhythmic doggerel about dropping napalm on villages full of baby ”gooks” and such like. Give me a chance.