Steven Wells goes cold turkey from TV and talk radio -- and finds the world less scary.
Hello. Before we start nipping, niggling and otherwise gollygoshing the usual suspects, I would just like to say “Bon chance, mon ami. Vive La Revolution” and once again make my annual plea that July 4th have its name changed to the more historically accurate "Thank A Frenchman Day."
For as any even half-educated baboon knows, it was the French what won it. French guns, French gold, French ships, French troops, French generals, French admirals, French marching music -- without which we’d all be speaking English.
Now, on with the usual.
Hello. It’s awfully quiet out there. Please don’t tell me you had a totally justifiable crazy fit, stormed into the streets and offed the pigs.
You have to understand that I’ve been at least temporarily exiled from the giggling, sneering alt-media bubble where I usually hang out with the giggle-bomb fixing and permanently and professionally pissed (and pissed-off) anarcho-pixelheads who spent the last eight
years undermining Project America by calling our greatest-ever president a monkey at every opportunity.
“Hey everybody, according to letdiseasedimmigrantsrqapeourgrandmothers.com President Cheetah left $9 billion just sitting on a shrink-wrapped skip in some godforsaken Iraqi warehouse, how much like a monkey is he? Ho, ho, ho.”
Yeah, well, Jacques, when the Red Army of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea starts marching across the Dordogne this summer (Kim’s a sucker for a good Burgundy but his geography is pretty shit), then let’s remember which so-called monkey made America so incredibly and superbly militarily strong that we’ve effectively sold the next five generations of young Americans into Chinese slave labor. Which is a good thing, and exactly the sort of shock treatment this current crop of pot-addled vegan slackers need to turn them into real Americans.
OK, I’ll stop now. If only because regurgitating the frothy-gobbed puppy dog rabidity of the right is horribly addictive and, from what I’ve heard, incredibly lucrative.
I’ve been told by a very reliable source at Fox News (OK, it was from Sean Hannity) that the station operates a wronger/betterer pay scale, meaning that at the end of every month Fox News employees are paid in a directly inverse relationship with their ability to maintain a lucid world-view.
This policy extends even to the technical staff. A camera operator, for instance, is financially applauded for turning up to work with a teabag glued to the end of his nose. Bill O’Reilly’s production assistant was able to afford an extra mortgage payment after attending work for a week wearing roller skates, a bear costume and an Obama=Swastika T-shirt.
And one intern gained full-time employment by starting an “Imagine Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh Heroically Naked Apart From One Each of Those Fish-Killing Spear Gun Thigh Holster Things Black Velvet Painting Club.” Hot mama. I wish I was making this up.
With my present center-right liberal perspective, all rabidity has been drained from my life. You know who I’m talking about. The self-described upper-middle-class revolutionaries who’ve dominated nightly TV news for months by putting the bunker back into Bunker Hill. A curious combination of golf chic, Hitlerism and theme park revolutionary aesthetics. Who could resist that? The left in particular were glued to their TV screens thinking “My god, did we really ever look that dickish?”
Strange things happen when you suddenly go cold turkey on Steven Colbert, Jon Stewart and Bill O’Reilly. The whole world is suddenly less squalid and scary. It is instantly more sensible. And more boring. I miss my Nazi talk radio. I miss staring into the cartoon of the abyss. The very first thing I’m going to do when I get home (ok, maybe the 28th or 29th thing) is get myself filfthed up with some nice vs. nasty shin kicking.
So, spill the beans. What have you done with all the right-wing crazies? Have you offed the lot? If so, then I must pound the table in protest. You have destroyed the greatest source of nearly free entertainment in history. Shame on you.