Scariest New Martial Arts Trend
Two years ago, you could only find Krav Maga—the deadly Israeli self-defense technique—in a martial-arts studio over an hour’s drive away in New Jersey. But in the intervening months, Krav Maga has been embraced by Hollywood film stars, pseudo-celebrities and tough guys everywhere. Today, classes are offered at City Fitness on Spring Garden Street, at Sweat in NoLibs, and in Bucks County. You know what’s scary though? The fact that random Philadelphians are now learning to maim with their bare hands.
Krav Maga, City Fitness, 200 Spring Garden St. cityfitnessphilly.com
Best Place to See Titties on a Tuesday
Have you ever been sitting home on a Tuesday night, thinking, “Damn, I want to drink and see some titties?” If you have, Onyx has the solution for your dilema. Make your way down Columbus Boulevard, pay your $20, then the rest of the time enjoy $2 cocktails and domestics while a smorgasbord of half-naked vixens treat you like you’re the King of Zamunda. At midnight, you have the option of enjoying a regularly $20 dance for the low price of $2. The food’s pretty good, too. That’s all you have to do. YOU are solely responsible for any additional monies spent.
Onyx, 2908 S. Columbus Blvd. 215.218.1040. onyxclubs.com
Best Really Really Good Pitcher on a Staff of Amazing Pitchers
If you’re someone constantly living in the shadows of four older, impossibly talented brothers, you might know how Vance Worley feels. Or haven’t you heard about R2C2? The best rotation in baseball consists of four aces who serve as inspiration for countless misspelled slogans (Phantastic Phour?), T-shirts and photo-shopped memes … and a fifth man. But with an 11-3 record and a 3.01 ERA, Worley is not your typical fifth starter. The bespectacled rookie replaced an injured Joe Blanton and immediately began paralyzing major league hitters–throwing the second most caught-looking K’s. With a season to rival the likes of Halladay, Hamels, Lee and Oswalt, Worley definitely deserves to win something—and if it’s not a starting spot in the playoffs, it might as well be accolades from us.
Best Acquisition By a Philly Sports Team
Phillies’ fans are quick to say so when they think Ruben Amaro Jr. has made a mistake (like trading Cliff Lee). But that doesn’t mean the general manager isn’t responsible for some big-payoff blockbuster moves (like, getting back Cliff Lee). The move that might have made all the difference this year? Acquiring Hunter Pence. The unintentional mastermind behind the most popular cheer at CBP since “Go Phillies!” is more than just a guy who gets hungry after an extra-innings game. Pence provided a much-needed boost to the offense, hitting .324 in 54 regular season games with the Phillies. Not only is he now an asset to the team, the endearingly unconventional outfielder’s outspoken affability has quickly made him a fan favorite.
Best Reason to Boycott the Eagles
Don’t let that win over the Deadskins fool you: This is a shit Eagles team. It’s tempting to pin it all on buffoon-coach Andy Reid, who refuses to draft a halfway decent linebacker, manages a clock worse than Flavor Flav and made Juan Castillo defensive coordinator. What, Pee-Wee Herman wasn't available? But the best reason to steer clear of the Eagles until they clean house remains Michael Vick. Not since Iverson’s crossover has an athlete pulled such a fast one in Philly and been beloved for it. His flashes of brilliance on the gridiron last year got him a fat new contract and Kevin Kolb a one-way ticket to Arizona. Sure, Kolb blows, but Vick hasn't been much better. During this turd of a season he’s reverted back to the Vick of old: Turnover machine, lousy passer, bad decision maker, pathetic field general. It's just a matter of time before he flips off the crowd. But hey, he just broke the NFL’s all-time QB rushing record! Yay. Until Vick and Reid are gone, there’s no good reason to root for this team.
Best Place to Find a Threesome You Won’t Remember
Making Time, running for 11 years now, is the hipster, gay-friendly monthly dance party that brings national indie music acts to a number of different venues throughout the City. But the best place to find that threesome is at Voyeur, where, as the clock ticks past midnight, dance beats intensify, shirts come off, and flirting intensifies into the perfect recipe for a threesome that’ll be fuzzy the next morning.
Making Time, facebook.com/pages/Making-Time-is-Rad
Ever think to yourself: Hey, I wonder where I can have a threesome and then promptly forget about it? Well, one of our writers thinks he's found that place. Want Mexican food that doesn't burn on the way out? Of course you do. More of these questions and answers have found their way into this year's Better Than Best issue. And what's better than best, you ask? We have no idea. We just knew we couldn't use Best Of, because another publication in this town has it on lockdown. But that doesn't mean we didn't put an enormous amount of effort into bringing you the most random hidden gems Philly has to offer. Because we did. And we think we've got a pretty good list going on here.
Geek Invasion 2013