Peter LaBarbera is a very serious man engaged in a very serious battle. As President of Americans for Truth about Homosexuality, he devotes his life to the mission of “exposing the homosexual-bisexual-transgender activist agendas.” Often, he engages in this practice via Twitter—after all, as he recently noted, it’s “outrageous media bias” that makes Americans’ support for gay rights “artificially high.”
Part of the Illinois-based activist’s gospel involves an entire section of his website devoted to gay advice columnist Dan Savage titled “Savage Hate,” a clever play on the writer’s syndicated sexual advice column “Savage Love.” (Oh, that reminds me: If you’re a straight person curious to read about a nice girl-next-door type who really wants to watch her boyfriend pee, click here.) LaBarbera also spotlights articles offering evidence of the homosexual persecution of Christians and sends out regular email blasts to his followers, all with one vital goal in mind: to expose me and my co-conspirators.
That’s right: my co-conspirators. You see, I’ve finally had enough. After the endless, repeated failures of my colleagues to successfully implement the Gay Agenda, it’s time to throw in the towel. Yes, at long last, LaBarbera can feel free to pin up the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner, turn off the lights and go home. His work here is through. He has won.
The so-called Gay Agenda exists. I admit it. There’s certainly no absurd bogeyman that anti-gay crusaders over the years have created as a rhetorical device to drum up donations and confuse people into bigoted tailspins. Oh, no. It’s a very real thing, this Gay Agenda.
And it has been a miserable failure.
Despite years of tireless backdoor meetings, and even a massively coordinated big-budget media campaign to make Tim Gunn a household name, pleats still exist on men’s pants. To add insult to injury, even after GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, came to the defense of Ellen DeGeneres in her capacity as JCPenney’s spokesperson, the retailer continued to sell pleated men’s pants. And while ice-skating hero Johnny Weir made a valiant effort to spread our fashion agenda at the Winter Games in Sochi, Russia, it turned out he was doomed to lead the last charge of the light-in-the-loafers brigade: Sequins and headbands are still not standard issue in the U.S. military.
Oh, don’t even get me started on the Gay Agenda’s woeful shortcomings as applied to the military. Even after integrating the armed forces to allow gays and lesbians to serve honorably, President Obama has remained completely silent on whether or not the White House will have an official color guard. I’m talking about a real color guard, the kind with bedazzled uniforms and choreographed twirls. Those flag carriers I’ve seen around the president called “color guards” don’t ever dance, even a little.
To most Americans, National Treasure is a Nicolas Cage movie involving the Freemasons, not a reference to Lana Del Rey. In fact, we still have not had the honorary-gay-man-even-though-she’s-not-Gaga singer installed as a permanent exhibit in the Smithsonian, ideally while frozen in carbonite. Most distressing of all, Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” is not even included in the vast majority of church hymnal books, much less given priority at mass.
While Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the so-called “right to discriminate” bill in that state, this was a hollow victory for LGBT consumers. After all, McDonald’s still does not offer protein shakes and most pharmacies still do not carry high quality personal lubricants like Gun Oil. In fact, most straight people probably have no idea Gun Oil is an actual thing outside of firearms maintenance.
Politically, we’re doing even worse. None of our planned gay recruitment, reeducation and resettlement camps have been built. Instead, most gay Americans seem to live alongside straight Americans in unremarkable houses and apartment buildings. Even though we have an openly gay U.S. senator, Tammy Baldwin (D-Wis.), we still haven’t divided the United States into homo military zones overseen by Generalissima Rachel Maddow. Hell, there’s even an actual gay Republican in the Pennsylvania State House, Rep. Mike Fleck; he shares absolutely nothing policy-wise with the liberal, and out state Rep. Brian Sims. It’s like even gay people haven’t gotten the message that we’re supposed to be automatons in lock step with one another. I mean, really. How the crap did we think we were ever going to get this Gay Agenda of ours accomplished?
The list goes on and on. No matter what we do, members of this vast left-wing conspiracy don’t seem to be able to achieve victory on any of these fronts.
Still, there seems to be some confusion out there regarding gay marriage, anti-discrimination laws and right-to-service protections. These issues are about human rights and dignities, and as such have nothing to do with the Gay Agenda. In fact, while equality and civil rights for gay Americans continue to gain traction and acceptance by the vast majority of Americans, this same majority has not yet responded to any of our actual agenda demands.
More to the point, the fact that nearly two thirds of Pennsylvanians support gay marriage is lovely, but has nothing whatsoever to do with the Gay Agenda. It does, however, have everything to do with bedrock American freedoms and values.
Savage Love: Sondheim is solace