I'll take my chances with the game.
It’s Christmas Eve in Philadelphia and weed is legal. Problem is, I’ve got 20 minutes to get it. The state store is on holiday hours and I still need to pick up the egg nog. No biggie, I’ll just swing by Wawa on the way home.
I check my watch. Shit. I sigh. This is gonna be a long Christmas.
I pull up to the dispensary to what looks like a flash mob. It’s not. It’s the longest, most annoyed line of people I’ve ever seen. I panic. Please don’t be sold out. It’s Christmas! A worker announces that production has been reduced for the holiday season, and the G-13 is quickly running out. But I keep waiting because this is the only way to get weed now. The only other dispensary in the city has already been shut down. The operator is being charged in a kickback scheme. Typical Philly.
Five minutes later, another announcement. No more weed until Dec. 26. The government is having a dry spell. Are you kidding me? A bunch of us bow our heads in defeat. Somebody lights up a joint but gets yelled at for smoking weed within 1,050 feet of the building.
Feeling sorry for myself, I head to Wawa. I want Doritos. I think about how they used to be $2.99, but ever since the government legalized marijuana, the price has skyrocketed. Couldn’t the feds at least give out some coupons? If not for the weed, then for food? Whatever. I’m going to splurge.
The Wawa is packed. I fight my way to the snack aisle. The Doritos are gone. You just can’t find any good snacks any more. Wonder Bread is back to its 1980 price of 50 cents. I throw it in my basket. I don’t even like white bread. But that’s all that’s ever left these days. Why the hell did I vote for this?
Pot smokers, is this how you want to get high? You’re deluding yourself if you think this kind of stuff won’t happen. We’re talking about the U.S. government. They are not to be trusted. If you really think legalizing marijuana is the answer, you’ve forgotten how good the game has been to you over the years.
Harold and Kumar played the game once. It was epic.
Harold and Kumar smoke their remaining weed after work and spend the whole night trying to a) get more weed and then b) get to a White Castle in New Jersey.
Yet, despite all of their misadventures—Harold is bitten by a raccoon; Kumar ends up performing surgery on a gunshot victim—would they have done it differently if weed were legal? Fuck no. They didn’t call it Harold and Kumar Go to the Nearest Legal Weed Shop and Order Up a Couple Spliffs to Go for a reason. No.
If you’re still not convinced, let’s look at some of the financial aspects of legalization. Class, raise your hand if you think pot smokers will go along with paying a sales tax for something you can grow in your basement. (You can get seeds mailed to you from Amsterdam in a CD case). Don’t think for one minute that the feds won’t raise that tax. (Unless you live in Delaware, where the shopping is tax-free.) As long as we are broke, they will. That’s what they do.
They will tax us so much they will tax the high right out of us. Then, after they get our money, they’ll use some of it to fund programs aimed at counteracting that vice because, again, that’s what they do. Don’t believe me? Think cigarettes (that campaign has been going strong for years); gambling (the feds are allowed to tax your winnings at the highest rate possible); and fatty foods (that’s why they want you to eat at White Castle). The government will tax everything you do. So, just to recap: You want to pay the feds to smoke weed so that they can tell you to stop smoking weed. OK.
Don’t get me wrong. The game has dry spells, too. Your dealer will run out; his dealer will run out; the Colombian cartel or whoever the fuck is above that guy will run out. But this—not taxes, not waiting in line—is the price worth paying.
As I pull onto my street, I remember that I forgot the egg nog. Ugh. Just then, I pass a liquor store and slam on the brakes. Surprisingly, it’s open.
This Christmas, I vow to always appreciate what I have.
Is the Christie administration trying to pull the plug on N.J.'s medical marijuana law?
Weed smokers are being cited, arrested, locked up. And for what? Something that grows naturally in the earth? Marijuana prohibition needs to end. Now.
Savage Love: About Ashley Madison...
First Person Arts Podcast: I Spy