Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted May. 29, 2013

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So what do you do? Grab a drink with your boyfriend and ask him to talk with you about his kinks. Don’t say, “Hey, do you really want me to fuck your friends? Because I would—I totally would—if that’s what you wanted!” Instead, tell him you want to talk about his fantasies in a general, open-ended way because, hey, healthy couples can talk about their sexual fantasies. Start by telling him what turns you on about these fantasies, PHM, and then ask him what turns him on about them. Hopefully, he’ll open up, and you’ll get some clarity about the IRL issue.

But if he can’t bring himself to talk about his fantasies when you aren’t fucking, that means you’re never gonna fuck his friends IRL. Not because he doesn’t want you to—he may—but because realizing these sorts of fantasies requires open, honest and exhaustive communication. And if he can’t do that (communicate with you), PHM, you can’t do them (his friends).


* In real life.

** As the kids say.


This week on the Savage Lovecast: Is it wise to send someone you just met erotic fiction that you wrote about them? Dan weighs in at

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