Q: I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. Should I tell him?
A: Yes, TC, you should tell him.
He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.
And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.
At a certain point in a new relationship, we have to bring our new partner’s perceptions of who we are in line with who we actually are. You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of. If your boyfriend regards these facts about you—can have a threesome, can remain on good terms—as negatives, well, then you need to DTMFA.
Q: The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election, and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.
Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers
A: For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.
I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!
Q: I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?
Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived
A: Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).
Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.
Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.
“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”
I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better . I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better .
But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources and positive role models.
Savage Love: Sondheim is solace