Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 3 | Posted Mar. 30, 2011

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DEAR READERS: Folks who have the Savage Love app get the Savage Love Letter of the Day (SLLOTD) delivered to their iPhones or Androids. This week, I’m running three recent SLLOTDs to give my print-only readers a taste of what they’re missing. I’m also giving myself a bit of a break: I’m currently dashing around the country on a book tour for It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living. (Order yourself a copy—or donate one to your old middle or high school—at itgetsbetter.org.) But before we get to the letters …

I want to take this opportunity to thank Savage Love readers for launching the It Gets Better Project.

My husband and I created the project in response to the suicides of several LGBT youth. The idea was to give bullied and despairing LGBT youth hope for their futures by encouraging LGBT adults to reach out to them via YouTube. (For the record: Not all LGBT youth are bullied or despairing.) The It Gets Better Project was first announced in this space. Savage Love readers jumped in to help spread the word about the project on YouTube, Facebook and Twitter, and Savage Love readers created the very first wave of IGBP videos. Savage Love readers are responsible for making the It Gets Better Project the international phenomenon it is today and, more importantly, for helping to save the lives of countless LGBT kids.

Whether it’s taking on a bigot like Rick Santorum, coming to the defense of Constance McMillen, or jumping in to help LGBT teenagers, my readers and listeners are a force to be reckoned with. Thanks for all you do.

Q: My fiance is awesome. I’m very happy we are getting married. But … he has tantrums. When he gets upset, he literally throws and punches things and screams obscenities. What makes him upset? Losing his keys, missing the subway. I had an abusive father who hit me and, though my fiance would never in a million years hit or abuse me, his tantrums remind me of those childhood experiences. I have tentatively broached the subject of therapy, but he is not interested.

Frustrated Fiancee

A: He hasn’t hit you … yet.

I’m not saying he’ll definitely get around to hitting you, FF, but a man who goes apeshit when he misses the subway is likely to go apeshit on his wife sooner or later. Marriages are more stressful than commutes. And I’m sorry, but it’s a disturbing sign that you’re already tiptoeing around this guy (“I have tentatively broached the subject”) and making excuses for him (“My fiance would never in a million years hit or abuse me”).

Emergency rooms, divorce courts and graveyards are filled with women who once said, “My fiance would never in a million years hit me.”

The time for tentative broaching has passed, FF, and the time for confrontational confronting and ultimatums has arrived: He gets his ass into therapy and gets a grip on his anger issues or the wedding is off. And this can’t be about seeing a therapist once or twice to mollify you. He has to solve this problem before you pick out cake toppers. And if he won’t get help, or if he can’t solve this problem even with help, do not marry him.

Q: I’m female, bi, into kink—bedroom-only BDSM stuff—and involved in the local kink scene in NYC. I’m not into public sex or group sex. One of my closest friends is having a birthday party—she’s hosting a straight-up orgy. I don’t want to be a no-show but sitting around trying to make small talk with someone while a fisting scene is taking place two feet away? AWKWARD. I thought about going for the first half, and leaving before it turns into an orgy. But what excuse could I give to bail?

Wallflower At The Orgy

A: How about the truth?

If you’re mature enough to be a part of NYC’s kink scene, you’re mature enough to say this to your friend: “I love you, but orgies just aren’t my thing.”

If anyone should be able to hear that without taking offense, WATO, it’s a member of an organized kink scene. All organized kinksters ask of each other is an open mind about kinks generally, thoughtfulness about consent and safety specifically, and clarity about boundaries absolutely. No one in a kink scene expects that all kinks—and group play is a kink—appeal to all kinksters equally.

So go to the party, wish your friend a happy birthday, then head for the door when you hear the snap of a latex glove.

Q: I am a 28-year-old woman. About a year ago, I noticed this really torn-up-looking guy sitting by himself in a bar. It turned out his wife had just been deployed and was going to be gone for nine months. He said he didn’t think he’d make it. We wound up having sex. I moved in a few days after that. The whole thing revolved around nobody asking questions. Over time, I fell in love with him. Yesterday, he woke up and said, “It’s over. She’s coming home today.” I was crying and crying while he was saying: We had a good thing, and he’d miss my love. Then he told me to look away so he wouldn’t have to watch me crying! I know I was a fool, Dan, but who was the bigger jerk?

Sad Eyes

A: Seeing as you spent the last nine months attempting to be the author of someone else’s misery—his wife’s misery—only to wind up being the author of your own, SE, it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for you. I suppose you deserve some credit for acknowledging that you’re a jerk—you did, after all, ask me to determine which one of you is the bigger jerk—but I gotta say that your jerkiness is the kind that makes me want to break out my brand-new-asshole-carving knife.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 3 of 3
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1. susan phillips said... on Mar 30, 2011 at 12:14PM

“I heard a replay of Dan and Terry's interview on Fresh Air on NPR this Saturday. It was a really good interview and the book sounds great for teens, young adults or really anyone.”

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2. in bed with married women said... on Mar 31, 2011 at 02:55PM

“I kind of want Wallflower at the Orgy to go just so she could report back to us on what sort of small talk, exactly, she ended up making while the fisting was going on. "How do you know the host"...? "Have you tried the salmon"...? "Wow, that's one big fist"...?
jill
in bed with married women”

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3. T said... on Apr 27, 2011 at 04:58AM

“To In bed with married women....I'd gone to a 3-day party over a labor day weekend a couple of years ago. The home was huge, and the way it was set back from the road, along with carefully placed trees, made it very private. There was of course, a pool. Our host was a doctor, recently divorced and new to a kinky world of BD, fisting, etc. From the moment we arrived Saturday noon until leaving monday, the 12 of us were always naked.
I'm a bit like the Wallflower, but like being in that company and being naked. On Sunday, I decided my "way out" (of being more involved) was to cook for us all. Helpful, productive, etc. After spending 20 mins finding the door, I headed to the basement where I stood, eyes locked with the doctor's, not wavering for an instant, as he ran down a long list of what he'd purchased for us and where everything was located. "There are 12 lobsters in the..." while someone - I didn't look who - had most of his arm in the good Dr. - "Asparagus and in the drawer..."”

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