Q: I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for a few years—we were engaged—and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily” to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later. So I went into her email and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.
-Can’t Think Of Anything Clever
A: You are a huge pussy, CTOAC—excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball sack. Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you’re crawling to her, begging for forgiveness, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you? There’s no reason for her to do that—there’s no upside for her. So long as you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy—excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack—she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.
Q: I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man—as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside them?
A: Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC, it’s your husband, not you.
Q: I was seeing a girl every other week for about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now. Emotionally, she has not been dealing with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies. I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant, but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand, it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my responsibility is for that.
-What Do I Do?
P.S. I’ve been reading your column for years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank you.
A: It saddens me when someone with such colossally defective bullshit detectors signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.” Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect. Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she—a girl who says she’s in love with you—told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this all up in an effort—successful thus far—to retain your attention if not your affections? Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told. In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex got pregnant. Even so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.
Q: I’m a straight girl who started dating this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I’m a fairly open-minded person, and I was curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand why.
-Confused And Curious
A: When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because, hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the boyfriend. Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressing is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, then you can go back to non-dressed-up sex.
Q: So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?
-Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle
A: Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.
First Person Arts Podcast: Proud Mom