Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 5 | Posted Feb. 16, 2011

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Q: I am a straight man. From high school through college and after, I loved me some women. I met my present girl 10 years ago. I fell head over heels for her. I still love her. But, little by little, she has become boring to me. Our sex life has cooled. Days run together with mundane activities like watching TV, going to the store and hanging out with our kids.

We look very traditional. But I am far from conservative. I love nightlife, crazy friends and good drink. She was aware of this when we met because we ran in the same circles. My boredom is compounded by a craving for sex with other women. It doesn’t matter who—the girl at the coffee shop, the checker at Whole Foods, every chick at the gym—I’m up to my eyeballs in covet. I want out. I want to be a father to my kids and take care of my wife financially. But I want out. I am a few years from 40. What is the best course of action?

Too Young To Flail

A: One day, I’m gonna throw my hands in the air and declare that, from that blessed day forward, I shall no longer tinker with the machinery of monogamy. That day hasn’t arrived, as I still have mortgage payments to make and opposite marriages to save—so here’s a little tinkle for you:

You say you want out, TYTF, but are you sure about that? In her book I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage, Susan Squire asks: “Why does society consider it more moral for you to break up a marriage, go through a divorce, disrupt your children’s lives maybe forever, just to be able to fuck someone with whom the fucking is going to get just as boring as it was with the first person before long?” (Emphasis added.)

Writing about Rep. Christopher “Craigslist Congressman” Lee last week on Balloon Juice—a blog I read daily—BJ contributor “Mastermix” said: “If we want to do something about the high divorce rate, we might want to get real [about] the role of a discreet, mutually-agreed-upon affair as a safety valve.”

In other words, TYTF, destroy the only home your kids have known and put yourself and the wife through the hell of divorce, and here’s what happens next: You dog around for a few years and before long you shack up with a new woman—a woman who might want or already has a kid or two of her own—and a few years after that, you’re trapped in another monogamous relationship that bores you, and a few years after that, you’re writing to ask if you should put your second wife and your new kids through the pain of a divorce all so you can make an embarrassing pass at a barista who has zero interest in fucking you.

Instead of putting your current family—and your hypothetical second family and that poor barista—through that, TYTF, why not risk leveling with the wife you’ve got now? Your marriage is already on the ropes, TYTF, so you don’t have a lot to lose. Ask to have a “safety valve” installed on your marriage in the form of permission to have a discreet, mutually-agreed-upon affair, should the right opportunity/barista present itself/herself. It may not be a pleasant thing for your wife to hear, but “I’m leaving you to go fuck a barista to be named later” won’t be music to her ears, either.

She may surprise you, TYTF. It’s entirely possible—I hope you’re sitting down for this—that you bore her just as much as she bores you. If she’s itching for a few adventures of her own, social and sexual, then spend whatever money you were planning to spend on lawyers and counseling for your kids or flying grandparents in to look after the kids while you two head out for a weekend away.

But if all she wants is to stay at home in front of the TV with the kids, tell her that to preserve your sanity and, paradoxically, your marriage, you’re going to go out and have some adventures on your own.

If she leaves you over it, TYTF, then you got what you wanted: out.

Q: I’m a 31-year-old lesbian. My girlfriend is in her 30s, but save for a few one-night stands, she has never been with a woman before. I’ve never had better sex than the sex I’m having with her. When I try to talk to her about this, she gets anxious and makes self-deprecatory comments. I want to be with her for the long haul—our dreams fit together—I just need to figure out how to communicate with her about how great our sex is. Got any advice?

Communication Breakdown

A: Yeah, CB, I’ve got some advice for you: Shut the fuck up.

I had this awesome new boyfriend once, and the sex was so freaking great that I felt compelled to communicate with him about how great it was. “This is so great,” I would tell him. “Let’s try to figure out where all this greatness is coming from!” But he didn’t enjoy talking about sex—particularly while we were having sex—and he got so annoyed with my attempts to figure out where all this greatness was coming from that he eventually asked/advised/ordered me to shut the fuck up.

Keep fucking the girlfriend’s fucking brains right fucking out, CB, but shut the fuck up. Odds are that she’ll learn to relax and open up about sex, like my boyfriend did. But in the meantime, CB, try to resist the urge to lesbian this thing into the ground by communicating it to death.

Q: For several months now, I’ve had a growing attraction to one of my good male friends. I am an open bisexual male, and my friend is “straight.” We’ve had relations—me blowing him, him jerking me—but he’s adamant that he is not attracted to males at all. He nevertheless sleeps with me in my bed when he spends the night.

The plot thickens: A couple days ago, my “straight” crush ordered an eight-inch dildo, molded from a real dick, complete with balls! He got it to use on himself! He says because there’s not going to be another male present when he uses it, and thus no romance, the act will be “straight.” I define being sexual as enjoying not only the sexual interactions possible between preferred genders, but also the emotional satisfaction, or romance. Does he have a point?

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COMMENTS

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1. Anonymous said... on Feb 16, 2011 at 06:30PM

“Its the 10 to 13 year itch , 40 year" tired" wahahwhahwhahwh male that is bring down the good old USA, not Gay Marriage

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2. StellaDERRICK said... on Jul 24, 2014 at 11:52AM

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3. rose said... on Nov 3, 2014 at 08:59AM

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4. Anonymous said... on Nov 16, 2014 at 02:18AM

“Am so glad to have this opportunity to speak joyfully again, Am Mrs Philip OLivia, from Germany am 47years old.since June 4th 2013, the relationship between i and my husband was stumbling, i never knew he was sewing another lady outside. my beloved Philip Lucas, whom i loved was being taken away from me gradually. my husband send me a letter through our lawyer, when i gothrough he seeks for divorce and i was calling his cell phone and it wasn't going through then i cried all through the night. three days later he came to the house well drunk so i help him to the bathroom to take his bath but he couldn't so i came to the dinning with him and we ate together, after few minutes we went to the bedroom and we slept. the next morning when he woke up the anger in him increased all because he found his self mistakenly slept with me, after making all this troubles, he left and my tears and sorrows increased. 3months later, i went away because i couldn't bear all what i was passing through. until one day, when i was in my office my friend came to me and told me about how her own friend also
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helped me to give birth to a set of twins 4months ago. so now i and my husband are happily together forever. Email him now on supremetemple@hotmail.com”

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5. jack ray said... on Dec 6, 2014 at 10:09AM



my name is jack ray
An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is jack ray ,i live in United Kngdom,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{supremetemple@hotmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {drolokuntemple@gmail.com},if">{drolokuntemple@gmail.com},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr olokun for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again. {drolokuntemple@gmail.com}, Thanks..



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