The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus.
Of course there are those GOP purists who will argue that by forcing smart people to join the Republican Party, you run the real risk of making the party smarter, and even encouraging the promotion of smart policies and (worst of all) making the party attractive to the enlightened and the intellectual.
And you’ve got to feel the GOP’s pain on this issue. It must, after all, be terrific fun to be so stupendously stupid. You can run around with your underpants on your head and eat dog crap right of the street and claim (as Michael Savage recently did) that swine flu is a terrorist plot and, oh, all sort of fun crazy stuff that only really incredibly stupid people can get away with.
But the fun has to end some time, my dumb conservative chums. For the sake of the Republic for which your once great party is named, it’s time for you to toss away the stinking, shit-smeared, snot-slimy comfort blanket of quasi-racist imbecilic gullibility and accept in to your ranks people who aren’t so mindbogglingly dense that they think a tax cut is a tax hike even when it’s been explained to them like a thousand times.
And so, to my liberal readers, a special plea. I need 20,000 of you to head to your local GOP HQs tomorrow morning and sign up as full-blown members of the Republican Party.
Do it for democracy. Do it for pluralism. But most of all do it because this is our chance to totally take the fuckers over.
Seriously, they’re defenseless. Nobody is in control. The GOP is lying on its back in a pool of its own urine, frothing at the mouth, waving it’s stumpy little legs in the air and screeching like a banshee at the racist dog whistles ringing in its horribly misshapen head.
You wanna know how bad things are? Last week on Fox, Dennis Miller (just before he repeated his claim that Saddam did in fact have WMDs) told Bill O’Reilly that Rush Limbaugh “is the smartest guy in the room.”
He might well be right, of course (at least with regards to the GOP) but it’s kinda like being told that Rush Limbaugh is the slimmest, least racist and best hung person in the room. It just means Rush is in a room full of stupendously fat bigots with wrong-end-of-the-telescope tiny tallywhackers. Which to be fair, he probably is.
The Republicans are ripe for the taking, comrades. And for reshaping into an inclusive, genuinely patriotic, pro-Constitution, pro-civil rights, anti-racist, gay-friendly, secular, pro working class American party that’s well to the left of the liberal capitalist stooges in the so-called Democratic Party.
And it’s what Abraham Lincoln would want us to do.
Savage Love: Sondheim is solace