The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus.
Like every red-blooded American I am looking forward to the start of the NFL 2009/2010 season in September with an eagerness that borders on the sexual.
And until then, of course, we’ve got the NBA basketball championship thing. Who could not love basketball? Thumpa thumpa thumpa GOAL! Thumpa thumpa thumpa GOAL! What’s the score 119-118! Amazing!
And the English girls’ game of rounders, which we call baseball and only let men play and actually think is really butch and ultra-masculine even though we make the players wear the gayest uniforms of any sport ever. Grrrrr!
But what I might like most about American sports is that, unlike sports in other countries, they’re just so damn fair. For instance we let the crappest teams have first pick of all the best new players. And we make the richest franchises subsidize the poorest.
In other words, while the capitalist European soccer leagues reward success (with promotion to higher leagues and tons of cash) and punish failure (with demotion to lower leagues and possible bankruptcy) we insanely socialist Americans do the exact opposite. We actively reward failure.
It’s a system that tries to be fair, that attempts to keep all the assets from ending up in just a few hands. There’s a word for that kind of system—socialism. And we all know what that leads to, right Glenn Beck?
To recap: The NFL—a league widely regarded by most patriotic Americans as the very epitome of the brute American ideal—is actually living proof that socialism is a more viable economic system than unregulated free market capitalism.
Which either means that the NFL is profoundly un‑American (in which case it’s in serious trouble because the rest of the world thinks American football totally sucks) or it means that socialism is as American as American football.
Hey, have I just blown your freaking mind?
As a patriotic American socialist (and how could any patriotic American read the opening words of the Declaration of Independence—“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal …” not consider themselves a socialist?) I think the American sports draft is a fantastic idea. I also think the same principle should be immediately applied to the American political system—before it’s too late and the Democrats stay in power for ever.
No true democrat can possibly be happy with the ongoing full-blown nervous breakdown of the GOP. The base
have gone entirely crazy, milling around in Fox News-herded, tricorner hat wearing fake mobs, waving tea
bags and, when they rant at the cameras, actually sounding as if they’ve ingested LSD.
The party of Lincoln has become the party of people you’d try not to sit next to on the bus. The GOP leadership, meanwhile, continues to shit the bed big time, publicly groveling to racist talk radio blowhards, proposing dementedly childish legislation,disgracefully attacking the victims of hate crimes, and generally showing all the maturity, wit and wisdom of a bunch of toddlers with the key to the crystal meth cupboard.
In the words of Rolling Stone’s wonderfully disgusted Matt Taibbi: “Following the Republican Party of late has been a movingly depressing experience, sort of like watching Old Yeller die—if Old Yeller were a worm-infested feral bitch who spent the past eight years biting children at bus stops and shitting in neighborhood swimming pools.”
Of course it’s fun watching the disintegration of a political party that is—when all’s said and done—a coalition of the selfish, the stupid and the scared. But is this total meltdown good for democracy? I would argue that it is not. If there’s one thing that’s definitely worse than a two party system, it’s a one-party system. Even if the party that disappears is entirely comprised of hate-filled assholes.
That’s why I’m proposing that, starting this year, the GOP gets first pick of all the really clever wonks who graduate from our elite universities. This is a desperately needed measure. The Republicans are not just short of intellectuals; they’re short of people who can actually think.
All the eggheads the conservatives do have are locked up in libertarian think tanks like the Cato Institute where they’re still peddling their one (really bad) idea—deregulation. (Which, in the current economic climate, is akin to suggesting that obese people should seek to lose weight by eating 8 times a day at McDonalds. Gotta love those crazy libertarians.)*
*This is of course accepting the fact that the phrase “libertarian intellectual” is an oxymoron, given that anybody stupid enough to believe that replacing democracy with the naked and unfettered rule of the corporations is in anyway a good idea, is, by definition, an idiot. As the saying goes, a libertarian is just a socialist who hasn’t thought things through properly. (Haven’t they read any William Gibson?)
And that’s just not fair.
Savage Love: Sondheim is solace