“A wide range of sexuoerotic diversity has its counterpart in the diversity of languages historically manifested in the human species,” Money wrote in his book Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity . “[Sexual] diversity may be an inevitable evolutionary trade-off—the price paid for the freeing of the primate brain to develop its uniquely human genesis of syntactical speech and creative intelligence.”
So why does having your balls busted by other dudes turn you on when you’re not even remotely interested in other dudes romantically or sexually? No idea. We simply don’t know why a person has this, that, or the other kink, BSTD, and almost everyone has at least one sexual interest that is seen as kinky by those who don’t share it. But it probably has something to do with your big, complex brain and the way it makes big, abstract and sometimes seemingly random connections—the kind of connections that lead to syntactical speech, creative intelligence and crazy-ass kinks.
So take comfort: The fact that you have this kink isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you. It’s proof that you’re human.
Which is not to say that a kink like yours is easily incorporated into a person’s sex life. As one sex researcher I shared your letter with put it, BSTD, your kink involves an “override” of your usual erotic “target interest,” i.e., women. While that kind of override is not unheard of, it’s not something that’s easily explained to a girlfriend. And as your encounters with other men pose no physical risk to your female partners (you’re not exactly gonna catch an STI getting kicked in the nuts), you can certainly justify getting your balls busted on the DL. But secret double lives are stressful, and most people leading them eventually get found out. And when your girlfriend inevitably stumbles over—read: snoops and finds—evidence that you’ve been sneaking around behind her back with other men, you won’t be explaining just your kink to her, BSTD, but your betrayal, too.
So is there anything you can do about your kink?
“These problems are often highly treatable,” said Dr. Paul Fedoroff, who is a neuropsychiatrist, a forensic psychiatrist, and the director of the Sexual Behaviors Clinic at the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre at the University of Ottawa. “Typically, a low-dose SSRI works magic.”
SSRIs, or “selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors,” are a class of drugs that are usually prescribed as antidepressants. SSRIs can crater a person’s libido, as is commonly known, but they can also, according to Fedoroff, help a person overcome an unwanted sexual interest or compulsion. “I had one patient who used to tie his testes with rope and then hit them with a hammer,” said Fedoroff. “He was referred to me by a urologist when he asked for surgical castration. I prescribed an SSRI, and a month later he told me, ‘That [was] the craziest idea I ever had.’ He had no further interest in ‘ball busting’ and said his life would have been different if he had found this medication earlier.”
Fedoroff also had some thoughts about why you want to do this with men.“The last time I saw a case like this was about four hours ago,” said Fedoroff. “This was a 50-year-old, highly successful businessman, a lifelong heterosexual who self-described as ‘dominant’ with women, [yet he was] advertising on the Internet to find men he could perform oral sex on.” For some straight men, “being dominated by another man provides more ‘humiliation’ than being dominated by a woman.”
Fedoroff isn’t the only doctor out there medicating kinksters. In his absolutely terrific book, The Other Side of Desire (which is where I first ran across that John Money quote), journalist Daniel Bergner profiles a foot fetishist so paralyzed by shame that he seeks treatment from a shrink who prescribes him a drug that “cures” him. The drug? The “lust-obliterating” Lupron, an antiandrogen that is sometimes used to “chemically castrate” sex offenders.
Now, I’m generally a fan of Western medicine—prescription drugs, invasive procedures, hospital cafeteria Jell-O—but I think taking SSRIs or chemically castrating yourself to suppress an urge to get kicked in the balls six times a year … well, BSTD, that’s even more extreme than your kink. You would be better advised, in my opinion, to accept both your kink and your contradictions. Yes, BSTD, your kink will probably shock even women who have a few kinks of their own. But if you present your kink to your girlfriends as just one fun, crazy, weird, hard-to-explain-but-endearingly-quirky aspect of your sexual expression, BSTD, they’re likelier to react to it positively. And if you look for women in the fetish/BDSM scene—where straight men are sometimes known to engage in S/M play with one another—your chances are better of finding an open-minded woman who isn’t threatened by your kinks.
You might find a woman who wants to watch.
Finally, BSTD, another sex researcher urged me to urge you to bank/ freeze some of your sperm in case you wind up busting your balls, like, permanently. Your nuts can take only so much abuse—people have ruptured and even lost testicles when ball busting, sack tapping or CBT went too far. (It can even kill you: tinyurl.com/bustedballs.) As it doesn’t take a lot of force to make a guy feel like his balls have been “busted,” BSTD, ask your ball-busting buddies to pull those punches, kicks and stomps.
I’m a straight guy in my early 30s with an amazing girlfriend of two years. A few months ago, I felt open enough to share my taboo fantasy: father/daughter incest. My GF, to my delight, not only understands the fantasy but enjoys participating in it! Quickly: I have ZERO interest in this kind of thing actually happening. I understand the kind of damage that sexual abuse can do and has done to many, many women, and I would never pursue something like this in real life. Now the problem: We’ve added the “wrinkle” of me talking to another man on the phone while my GF fellates me. The man—a stranger, someone we found online—has been led to believe that I am being fellated by my daughter while we speak. Of course, he can hear the noises associated with said activity while he and I are talking. We do not in any way lead these guys to believe that they have a chance to meet us. We want to enjoy our sexual fantasies, but we worry that we could be inadvertently encouraging someone to make their fantasies a reality. Any advice?
No Acronym Seems to Yodel
The incest fetishists you meet in chat rooms and get on the phone? For all they know, you could be alone in a room stirring a jar of mayonnaise with a slotted spoon. And for all you know, NASTY, the incest fetishists you’re meeting in chat rooms could be police officers looking to bust men who are actually raping their daughters. Just sayin’.
As for your problem, NASTY, most people with incest fantasies insist that they’re not turned on by the idea of having sex with their actual parents, siblings or children. Incest scenarios turn them on abstractly, but they have ZERO interest in their own siblings or parents or children specifically. That can’t be true for all incest fetishists—statistically speaking—but any incest fetishists who’re turned on by the thought of actually fucking their sibs/parents/children would have a motive and/or the good sense to lie.
But let’s set your specific fantasy aside for the moment—which is an upsetting one for most people to contemplate (because ick), particularly those who were sexually abused by family members (because rape)—and focus on the underlying question: Does exploring something taboo through fantasy make someone likelier to go and do that thing in real life?
The evidence we’ve got about porn points to no.
“Perhaps the most serious accusation against pornography is that it incites sexual aggression,” Melinda Wenner Moyer wrote in the July 2011 issue of Scientific American (“The Sunny Side of Smut”). “But not only do rape statistics suggest otherwise, some experts believe the consumption of pornography may actually reduce the desire to rape by offering a safe, private outlet for deviant sexual desires.”
What you’re producing for the men you get on the phone is a kind of pornography, NASTY, and Moyer demonstrates that the wider availability of Internet pornography has correlated strongly with falling rates of sexual violence—and incest between an adult and a minor is sexual violence.
When he launched "Savage Love" two decades ago, he was just another newsweekly weirdo. Who would have guessed he'd end up becoming the next Dr. Ruth—not to mention Rick Santorum's internet nemesis?